Thursday, December 27, 2007

I only the visit the needy with Camera crews and a media manager

My impromtu visits to Homeless shelters with camera crews from every major network and bus loads of journalists aren't about political exploitation of the needy.

I want to publicise the needy and hopefully their now regular appearances on all major media outlets, will see them secure jobs.

I figure if I keep visiting places like Bali, Afghanistan, Iraq, Churches and these shelters it looks like I'm actually doing something and deflects from the fact I'll never make a major decision.

Monday, December 10, 2007

My first big test and boy am I talking the talk!

Unware that I'm now actually running the country and have to act rather than talk, I've decided my "KEVIN07" cliche politics is probably best continued.

Hey, it got me elected - people didn't want action, they wanted soundbites.

Sure grocery prices are high - I'll appoint a commissioner (won't fix them) and Oil prices are high, another commissioner (no fix). But my much exploited "Australian Working Families" (AWF's) don't see the distinction - if I talk they assume it's fixed.

My PR and Spin team are working on a series of new slogans and soundbites as we speak, they're in focus groups full of AWF's to get the message just right - My favourite's "Carbon Kevin - bringing clean air from Heaven", "Yes I want clean air - I'm eating carbon reduced baked beans" "Kevin the World's First Carbon Crusader"

Living with a 2050 target is about as committed as my government will get over the next 3 years - so who gives a stuff what we commit to for then, I'll only get kicked out over any commitments I make for the next decade - and there's no chance of that - maybe I'll commission a report, then a conference and then a summit!

Friday, December 7, 2007

My Climate Change policy is more HOT air

In Opposition I rightly accused Prime Minister Howard of being asleep on climate change. Global warming was clearly his fault and Australia's position in not ratifying Kyoto was the deal breaker in not getting the major polluters to the negotiating table.

In my "race to ratify" I had finally broken the global deadlock. Standing ovations in Bali, I am truly a global hero of Al Gore proportions.
The Inconvenient Truth is no one told me it would cost jobs, devastate my beloved Australian Working Families (apart from John Howard). Even my command of Mandarin wouldn't be enough to get China, India and the USA to sign up to binding targets. Come to think of it, it probably won't get me to commit.

Oh well it's Garrett's fault! Can't be all got me elected and Canberra's climate's become more like home every day.

Monday, December 3, 2007

I'm sure I told Australian Working Families about the cost of Kyoto?

I'm sure I mentioned that ratifying Kyoto would increase the burden on Australian Working Families via higher energy costs, didn't I?
At least I didn't say I'd have interest rates at record lows, (Record highs Julia says!)

Of course my Ombudsman will decrease grocery prices, because increased energy prices from Kyoto will reduce Grocery Manufacturers and Retailers costs so they can reduce prices, won't it?

Oh well, I'm an economic conservative, surrounded by fellow Economic conservatives, so everything will be OK! If only we were Economic literates.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

It's my Party

Given my adoring public elected Kevin 07, not the Labor Party, I feel it my duty to give them nothing more than what they voted for.

I've already ordered my underlings to visit Schools and the Homeless before they come to Moi! They will then be asked to get me tea and an earwax sandwich for lunch.

I don't intend to appoint Minister's just assistants. Julia is the Assistant to Kevin for Industrial Relations, Swanny Assistant to Kevin for Treasury and so on.
I intend to run Australia as my little project, given I have intellectual capacity unheard of in the Labor Party, an education!

Strap yourselves in Australia, the Education Revolution is underway, shortly followed by the Industrial Relations and Climate change Revolutions. Compliments of Kevin Ruddrless PM.

Monday, November 19, 2007

If only 15 year old schoolgirls could vote?

I'm not letting it get to my head, BUT, another day of screaming schoolgirls in the outer suburbs of somewhere.

They can't get enough of the Ruddster, one even fainted this time! I have to look in the mirror - I know I'm a run away winner in the "I'm too sexy for PM" stakes. Then again it's like comparing Kim Beasley to Ben Cousins.

I haven't been this popular with schoolgirls since Miss Spencer at Eumundi Primary made me waterboy for the girls netball team on a 40 degree day. Unfortunately I wasn't good enough to get a game.

Who would have thought, Kevin 07 popular with the ladies?

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Has anyone seen my Education Revolution?

Fair dinkum Australia, I've been prattling on about this Education Revolution for so long I've actually forgotten what it is.

I think we announced a 0.02% increase in Education funding a month ago, but bugger me if I can remember anything else.

As the polls overwhelmingly demonstrate Australian's couldn't care what I say, all I've got to do is turn up to get their collective worms wobbling.

Anyway, The Education Revolution is an unstoppable force now, if only I knew what it was?

See you in the lodge KEVIN07

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Rainfall will always be higher under Labor

Today I announce that Labor, via its new Minister for Rain, former ABC weatherman Mike Bailey, will commit to greater rainfall under a Kevin07 Labor government, should we climb Mount Everest and win the Election.

On Friday Mr Bailey rang the Kevin 07 hotline and told me he would get rain for Southern Australia this weekend to help launch our policy.

In one of our more credible policy announcements, Labor will guarantee higher rainfall than under the Coalition during the next term of Parliament.

Me Too that Mr. Howard.

So I'm a fraud, The Australian people still love me

We may not be original but who cares as long as we win the prize....then we'll release our own tunes and no one will buy that!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I'm unbackable

Friends, we are stampeding towards our first Ruddrless government and new leadership from Kevin 07 himself.

The campaign has gone brilliantly with anything I say getting Australia’s collective worms erect!

As I preach my economic conservatism whilst throwing a billion for this and a billion for that, my rating with Australian working families grows exponentially with my ego.

I have briefly outlined my first 10 days agenda.
· Rename Canberra KEVIN
· Rename the ALP “The Kevin Experience”
· Print a new Kevin $070,000 note – it will be the new $50 in weeks
· Have the “I was only joking ads” queued to run after we’re in power featuring my Union friends
· Introduce new unfair dismissal laws – it’s now unfair to dismiss any Union member.
· Fix those old farts in Tasmania – increase GST on Nanna nappies and close down the Devonport Nursing home

Friends, we’re heading back to the good old days of deficit's, unproductive wages increases and inflation and you voted for it.

See you in the Lodge!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

It's my party and I'll hang who I want to...

Let's be honest here, I'm leading a team of losers.

They haven't won an election in a decade, they actually had Mark Latham lead them to an election (seriously), what hope have they got.

If it wasn't for Kevin 07 they'd all be back running Unions.

What I say goes. If it polls poorly it's changed, if it polls well it's my idea, if it's Howard's I support it - Labor policy is nothing more than an idea in search of a favourable opinion poll.

As I've told them all - "When I want an opinion I'll give you one" and "you're accountable for my mistakes". I can't be clearer than that.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Peter Garrett rewrites History

U.S. Forces (2007 remake)
U.S. forces get the nod
Democracy for your country
Bomb the houses all in rows
Restoring democracy by killing the poor

Saving the world, the CIA
As I avoid the issues
My portfolio leaves me with no sense to talk
Draw your own assessment
I used to sing songs that I’m denying
My hypocrisy is stupefying
I’m waiting for the next big flip
Will you know it, when you see it
High risk morals, casualty of war
Political advisors, call my shots
I’m doing dodgy deals, in parking lots
Protecting my seat, for tomorrow
I’m happy with Gunn’s Ta-mar emissions
All demonstrators should go to prison
I agree with all party decisions
Political party lines, don’t cross that floor

Kevin L Rudd will save my life
Superboy’s married to a millionaire wife
In the shadows of rampant hypocrisy we live
I used to sing songs that I’m denying
Winning government’s all that I’m trying
For the love of Kevin 07 I’ll say, anything

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Midnight Oil sell out Tour

Peter Garrett confirmed today that Midnight Oil would reform for a sell out tour. Confirming the band's new direction the show's will feature covers of ABBA hits and tributes to US forces peacemaking roles globally.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Kevin Rudd announces he'll also prosecute OJ Simpson

Already drunk on the prospect of power Kevin 07 announced today he'll also prosecute OJ Simpson if elected PM.

Kevin 07 said his advisors were also viewing footage of Chris Judd's eye gouging of Hawthorn's Campbell Brown and expected to charge Judd once elected.

Kevin 07 detained in Hospital tour

Kevin 07 was today detained after a policy announcement at a Queensland Mental Hospital during his week long tour of Australia's hospitals.

After his policy speech experienced staff took Kevin 07 away for immediate assessment.

Doctors noted he was "Mildy psychotic, suffering from delusions of grandeur, mixed with extreme bouts of schizophrenia and convenient memory loss."

Kevin 07 was released after fellow inmates complained that he was too weird for them after he had burst into a rendition of the Tax Scales followed by a three hour diatribe on Workchoices.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

I'll do it my way!

By taking the "us" out of Caucus and putting the "i" in to Team, I have left no doubt it's my government and my country.

It's Kevin 07 not Labor 07!

Given the group of Union hacks and ABC celebrities that will make up Caucus once I've won, what choice have I got?

I'm also announcing exclusively here my new fiscal policy.

Given inflation will be out of control and the Unions, led by Julia and Greg Combet, will take control of wages again, I'm printing a $1000 note. It's got me on one side and Dietrich Bonhoeffer on the other. I expect it to replace the 5 cent price by my second year in office.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I’m not into shallow, sound-bite, celebrity politicians who lack substance –that’s my territory

I stand right behind Nicole Cornes; because I want her to sit right behind me.

Poor Kate Ellis needs a break from nodding and smiling over my left shoulder every day in Parliament.

Nicole is perfect, she looks great, nods well and smiles at the right time. Perfect for Team Kevin 07. She's even given Julia tips on how to wear make-up, if only we could get her into a nice frock now and then.

Look, how can my all star candidates expect to know policies, that's not their role. With Maxine, The old ABC weather guy and Peter Garrett we'll have more ARIA's and Logies than the Libs. That's what's really important to my party and Australian working families.

As the polls show Spin beats Substance every time.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I'm an Al Gore whore

Sitting in Parliament listening to Bob Beige and Peter Garrett rabbit on about Climate change only confirmed my view that the best place for a Greenie was up your nose.

But Hey, that's all changed now and there's votes in it.

My new best mate is Al Gore, ex Vice President of the USA and movie star. I've added him to my Christmas card list with my other new best friends President Hu and George Bush. Al and I are going to make a series of new movies, "An Inconvenient Truth - About Brian Burke", "An Inconvenient Truth - About Scores" (Rated R) and finally, "An Inconvenient Truth - I have no policies" after the election.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I have more in common with Arnold Schwarzenegger than you think!

1.Arnold and Kevin both had an aortic valve transplant
2. Arnold and Kevin were both drawn to Gymnasiums at an early age – Arnold lifted weights, Kevin was a towel-boy
3. At the age of 15 both men lifted 100 pounds, Arnold with one arm, Kevin in one year.
4. George W Bush thinks Kevin Rudd grew up in the same part of Australia as Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. Arnold almost tore his bicep in an attempt to win Mr. Universe, Kevin while watching Miss Universe
6. Arnold was nicknamed the Austrian Oak, Kevin the Australian Joke
7. Arnold starred in a movie called Total Recall. Kevin starred in a farce called No Recall.
8. In the movie Twins, Arnold's onscreen partner Danny De Vito is the misfit, imbecile result of a failed experiment, Kevin's onscreen partner Julia is the misfit, imbecile result of another failed experiment.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Kevin - "07 seconds worth of substance"

How embarassing, I don't know the tax rates Australian's pay. All I know is Therese pays about $500,000 in personal tax a year and that probably covers half my annual tax payer funded expenses and lifestyle.

If the media want more than a soundbite I need more research time, it's simply not fair to change the game and look for substance from me at this time in the election cycle.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

We'll need more skilled people.. because I haven't got any

Yesterday at my election launch, I announced another breathtaking world leading initiative, Skills Australia.

Do you realise we'll need another 240,000 skilled workers, to run all the Commissions, Committees, Conferences and Reviews I'm planning in my first term.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Surely Julia wouldn't knife me?

All this talk about Julia having political ambitions is nonsense. Julia's been fantastic too me, but give me a break, Julia for PM!

Her robotic monologue about Tricky Mr. Howard and poor Australian working families even bores the crap out me. It's enough to drive me to my third drink honestly. I hear she's working on a new sentence to trot out especially for the Election campaign....Australia can't wait Jules!

Seriously, Australia couldn't think that anyone in the Labor Party could actually be PM apart from me. Peter Garrett? Well someone once told me he's a good musician. Wayne Swan? Swanny, Swanny how I love ya, but not that much. He used to bully me at Nambour High. Only made him Treasurer because he used to work on the checkout at Coles – he's the most skilled person on our front bench. Julia, god love her, could put a group of A.D.D. Teenagers on speed to sleep when she gets going. What about Mar'un Ferg'son, that Union bloke. Heard him say it 50 times but still don't know his name. Fair Dinkum, he could talk for a hour and you'd think it was one word.

I do have time for that pretty young thing who nods and smiles behind me in Parliament. Still don't know her name, but at least she's got a full set of teeth.

The rest are fair dinkum Union Hacks and failed School teachers – they'd make great State Premiers of course.

As I keep telling them, it's Rudd or a Dud.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

C'mon Mr. Prime Minister commit to a full term and stop acting like a Labor leader

The hypocrisy of my recent call for the PM to commit to staying a full term or stand accused of misleading the Australian people wasn't lost on me as Peter Beattie resigned mid term following another Labor beauty Steve Bracks.
Hey - I'm a lap dancing christian, tea-totling binge drinking, memory faded intellectual hypocrite but Australia still loves me even more each day. Why raise Human rights issues with China when it might endanger my tickets to the Olympics, why upset my mate George W with talk of Global warming? There were no cameras there anyway.

If I'm asked by Laurie I'll give my standard reply "I'm sorry I don't recall what was said".

I ask myself, does Australia love Kevin Rudd? You bet she does.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Does anyone know I can speak Chinese?

Boy did I wow those Chinese with my Mandarin. I honestly don't think President Hu had heard anyone else speak Chinese before. I could have lectured him for hours in Mandarin. I told him all about my son's learning problem, my daughter's cold sore, my next door neighbours love of Ho Mai dim sims and my weakness for Soy Sauce. He suddenly said he had to go and handed me a family pass to the Olympics. It had John Howard's name on the envelope - clearly he's not a multi lingual world leader like me, you know...there aren't many of us.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

I finally had my say..

Today my moment arrived, I’ve been waiting years for this one.

President Hu from China and TV cameras! I could finally show off my Chinese. That little tricky fella wouldn’t know a Wong from White but I showed ‘em.

Our local Chinese Takeaway has been on the receiving end of Rudd Chinese for years, even after Mr. Yu sold out to a nice Somali couple in December 2004. The best Sweet n Sour Pork outside Peking at Mohammed’s Golden Retriever Restaurant in Aspley.

President Hu was clearly impressed, his interpreter later told me he also liked his Dim Sims without soy sauce and loves Prawn Crackers as an entree.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

George W will finally meet a real Statesman

I’m going to show that peanut President a thing or two when he meets me. I bet he can’t speak Mandarin and I bet he hasn’t had a full contact lap dance from Candy, Brandy, Randy and Sandy.

I have a solution for World Peace, the running of the UN and APEC, the Iraq situation, global warming and world poverty........well maybe more an opinion than a solution! But, none the less if I talk about an issue my adoring Australian public continues to assume I can fix it. And modestly I agree with them.

If only the U.S. had listened to me previously. Once I’m elected World Leader of Australia I plan to disband APEC – get rid of all those second tier players and just get the Super powers, China, Japan, USA, Russia and Australia together at what I’m calling the Rudd lectures. I’ll give an annual speech in their native tongues on how they should be running their countries. Should see the world a better place within weeks.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Call me Kev, man of action

Today I announce that under a Ruddrless government we will end the insidious Work Choices legislation. This horrifically, brutal legislation that denies workers basic, human rights and dignity and has been targeted by Unions who have spent $20 million opposing it, this cruel, mean, tricky law that my colleague Julia Gillard and myself so vigorously opposed will be abolished in...... 2010!

That’s when Therese’s agreements expire and she says we’d lose $10 million on the sale of her business if we dumped them early. She's still pissed with me over Scores.

I said to her the other day, “Look dear, I was drunk and don’t remember a thing. When I put that $10 bill in your underpants on the night of my return from New York I simply thought you were a vending machine.”

Monday, August 20, 2007

I’m not Captain Perfect, call me Sergeant Sleazebag! Kevin .07 and one of the boys!

I take full responsibility for my actions. It was the first time I’d seen a naked woman with the lights on. These were the girls who had driven me to glasses during my adolescence – right in front of me, smiling at me, calling my name, gyrating, naked ...... It took all my energy not to regress to my adolescent bedroom.

I don’t remember a thing after that, light beer always was my downfall. Believe me I’ve only been drunk twice! Someone put vodka in my Creamy Soda at the school camp and that night in New York.

I rang Therese next day and told her I’d had Goose for dinner, strangled the goose or behaved like a goose. I can’t remember! She’s very understanding my wife.....she finally spoke to me again when I was elected Opposition Leader. She calls herself Hilary Clinton now.
I beg my adoring public for forgiveness. I am fallible. I never said I was religious or a true clean living family man. I just stage managed that impression, maybe I do have more in common with Mark Latham than John Howard after all.

I just hope this finally endears me to working Australians, those blokes like me who love a bit of crumpet, a night on the piss and a bit of lap dancing before racing home to the misses.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Mini Me from the ALP

I'm the first to admit guys like John Howard have always been my heroes. Growing up idolising Barry Jones, Pee Wee Herman and Billy McMahon, I now find myself watching the Simpsons hoping for a glimpse of Millhouse.

You know I only went into politics after seeing Sonia MacMahon in that skimpy dress with Billy. In the friction of my pubescent stupor I had an epiphany, Nerds get the hot chicks if they go into Politics. John Howard and I are living proof of that.

I love John Howard, I want to be just like him. I think it will make change easier, Australians should just think of it as handing over to John Howard's little brother.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Kevin 07....made in Heaven

My popularity hasn't been this high since I spilled gravy over myself to get the neighbours dog to lick me! I'm your man, I can't even believe it myself - Kevin 07 PM, leader of the free world.

To add to my online presence for all those who can't get enough of the Ruddmeister, I've now got Kevin 07. It's a hip, funky, groovy way for my adoring public to get even more of me and see how few policies I've really got.

Fair dinkum, I'm a bigger online tart than Paris Hilton.

Gotta run

Monday, August 6, 2007

What's old and wrinkly and hangs out underpants?... The P.M.

How dare that dishonest old man adopt a poll driven political strategy. That's my territory. It appears the more I become like him, the more he becomes like me.

Don't blame me for the Premiers, I didn't vote for them and as far as I'm concerned they're nothing more than a bunch of upmarket trade unionists. It was my idea to attack the government over state issues, I agree they're hopeless and wasteful. Don't blame them or me, blame John Howard.

It's fascinating to see Liberal polling reveal how likeable, compassionate and appealing to young hip voters I am. No surprise to me of course. My mentor in this area, Peter Bleattie told me "Mate, once you can fake sincerity you've got it made". Not only have I got sincerity covered, I've also got empathy, likeability and compassion!

Gotta Run.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Call me a Doctor, or maybe a hypocrite

I must say I feel let down by the government. I backed John Howard all the way on this Haneef terrorism charge. I feel let down; it’s almost cost me my electoral credibility.

I was prepared to stick my neck out and back the PM. This Haneef fella looked like a terrorist. He’s Muslim, has a beard, his cousin’s have tried to blow up Britain and he loaned his sim card to a relative. Open and shut case the polls said, back the PM or risk being left behind in the polls my advisors said.

I sensed public opinion shifting, Peter Bleattie rightly expressed his outrage that he hadn’t been lead story on the Brisbane news for week and the public seemed to smell a rat. How dare the PM compromise my election chances, serves me right for having a view on anything!

Call it spineless, call it weak, call it repositioning myself with my adoring public and showing electoral flexibility – as long as I pick up votes.

I am outraged that this poor little Indian Doctor has been victimised by the Keystone Cops. Indian Doctor’s have done so much for Queensland, just because he’s from a family of terrorists, it’s no reason to lock the guy up.

Nothing short of Judicial inquiry or maybe a Summit will fix this. Just shows you, you can’t trust this PM.

Gotta run.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

No one bleats like Peter

My fellow Queenslander and great bloke, Peter Bleattie is his own man. Sure we both have that sanctimonious tone in our voice, we may buy our Teflon suits from the same tailor, have the same camera shy media reclusive style and have the same school boy hairstyle, but Peter doesn’t speak for me.

My support of John Howard is clear cut, I love his policies on Terrorism, Aborigines, Logging and the Murray Darling.

I’m truly unique in politics in that I can be an environmentalist who supports logging, a free market man who supports price regulation, a unionist who supports banning Trade Union leaders, a John Howard supporter and detractor, a man of action who loves consensus and a change agent who has no policies.

I'm your man.......or woman, Gotta run

Monday, July 23, 2007

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK!

You could say I'm that flexible I'm spineless but I'd prefer to say electable.

Let them log, particularly if they vote. Who cares about the environment when there are a few cheap Tasmanian votes to be had.

I always preferred that my Tassy wasn't overgrown - a bit of a trim makes it more contemporary and I'm a modern guy after all.

Gotta log off now

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Another BIG BROTHER eviction

I love my brother, we grew up in the family shoebox together in the tough old days.

You can pick your friends but you sure can't choose family! First Therese declares her love of Work Choices and her multi million dollar deals with the Liberal government, now Greg's donating to the damn Liberals.

It's time to go.....Greg. I wish Howard would hurry and call the election, the Labor Party's running out of members and Christmas Dinner's looking very frosty.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

We're the next Zimbabwe

Grocery prices are rising, Aussie battlers are spending all their income on their mortgages, workers are being treated as fairly as a Chinese Food official.....this country is an economic basket case - thank god for me!

I'm convinced that if I don't get elected this country will continue it's current economic slide and become the new Zimbabwe. My great labor mate and fellow patriot, Paul picked Mr Howard as a rampant Nationalist in the Robert Mugabe, Adolph Hitler mold. Good one Paul!

Our former Labor warriors Paul, Bob and more recently Mark have covered themselves in glory post their Leadership days. They're great examples of the selfless people dedicated to leading the Labor party with only the rights of working families in their hearts.

Gotta run

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Look out Woolies I'm after your eggs

Call me shallow, call me simplistic, call me opportunistic, but never call me definitive.

I can't believe it myself, but I've done it again.

I'm lowering grocery prices. Not by increasing competition, not by understanding supplier's issues, not by understanding how supermarkets exploit their monopolistic position, not even by understanding global supply chains......I'm going to publish Grocery prices for bread, milk and eggs on the ACCC website!

That should give the Punters the relief they need, watch prices cascade as I post the first prices at:

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

C'mon Australia, you love the Ruddster?

I said to Therese I simply can't believe today's poll. That old man almost drawing level with me as preferred PM, cannot be true!

What have I done wrong? I've told Australia I can solve every domestic problem, every global and regional issue and I've already solved the drought. My appointment of the old ABC weatherman proved an inspired choice.

Surely it's not the Aboriginals, I know.... it could be Prince William. I shouldn't have bagged him with a Channel 9 special only days later. I'll ask my Commissioner for opportunistic appointments to get me a meeting with him, hopefully he speaks Mandarin so I can finally express my linguistic prowess.

Therese has got the wobbles over this poll, she's even putting the sale of her Australian business on hold.

Gotta run

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Love thy neighbour

Hah Hah, Brendan Nelson let the cat out of the bag. It's all about Oil. Under my policy Australia will have no Energy security, it's my number 1 priority.

I'll mandate Hybrid cars for all, surely that'll fix it. Therese has already bought a dealership in anticipation.

Iraq remains our biggest foreign policy disaster since we went into Vietnam to provide security of cheap clothing and holidays.

I've always advocated the world would be a better place if everyone was like me. That's my foreign policy. If I'm elected PM of Australia I'll also become PM of "The Arc of Instability". These primates need Rudd-like values. My education revolution will sweep the region teaching these imbeciles that Australian History is far more important than any Islamic claptrap. I'll cure their health issues, solve unemployment and they can have my IR policy thrown in for free.

I'll also solve Iraq, just teach them the 3 R's (Rudd, Rudd,& more Rudd) I say.

What the world needs now, is Rudd, Sweet Rudd. Look out world here I come.
Gotta run

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Aussie Royalty means Therese and me

Why would we want that grubby, young, little, party Prince as our Governor General. Australia is only big enough for one King and First Lady thank you very much.

The last thing this country needs is an inexperienced, younger upstart taking cheap shots at the Leader about their age gap!

We all know the only good thing to ever come out of Britain is the Spice Girls. When I'm elected PM I'm instituting a Royal Box at Boondall just in time for the World tour, should make great press as Posh Spice plants one on The Sexy PM downunder!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

If anyone can end child poverty, it's me!

I announced my Health policy, well sort of. Just the usual statement of the bleedingly obvious ("heart disease, diabetes and asthma were increasingly draining the health care system and costing Australians in a broader economic sense - but they were all preventable or manageable") and somehow then apportioning blame on the Federal Liberal government for all State Labor government issues, before concluding with my policy to fix it all.......but - "all details are yet to be released and an Independent commissioner or task force will sort it out if we haven't got a policy."

It works a date I've already solved our Education issues, Industrial relations, cured Heart disease and retrained Doctors, broken the drought (it was my policy), solved all our economic ills, mandated peace in Iraq and fixed Global warming.

Clearly I've done more for this country in 6 months than Howard's done in 10 years.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

If only I could take the Labor out of Labor Party

I've told Julia on numerous occasions I'm sick of her grubby Trade Union friends. If they didn't fund our advertising campaigns, provide 90% of our membership and parliamentary candidates, I'd ban the lot of them.
"Smelly and ugly," I've called them on many occasions as I surveyed the party room.

First it's Julia's kissing cousin Dean Mighell, now Fat Joe the building bully.

Julia and I met with the Executive and we're concerned Howard will use his N.T. Legislation and take Trade Unions over from their Leadership. Couldn't blame him really given the way they behave.

Well Mr. Howard you're not the only clever politician going around, I've decided when I'm running this country we'll stop this Union Official bad behaviour. It's now our policy to ban any filming or recording of Union Officials at any place or time.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

No more Dilly Dalia'ing - I meet the Lama

The polls suggested I should meet the Lama so meet the Lama I did. I was that impressed with the media coverage I've appointed another Commissioner to manage my diary for opportunistic appointments that will lead to my election.

I hope I haven't upset the Chinese - I really wanted to impress them with my command of Mandarin. Gary says I've blown my chance, he's got the new Diary Commissioner trying to tee up a meeting with John So.

Monday, June 11, 2007

More Commissioners, less Unionists

My staff informed me that petrol prices were polling as the day's big issue. I clearly had no choice but to announce a Petrol Commissioner. I think my new strategy of appointing a new Commissioner to handle the number 1 poll issue of the day is a piece of genius. I've asked Therese to get 50 CV's to me quick. Really, this country is such a basket case I have no choice but to re-invent every institution and practice.

Sharan rang last night, very unhappy. She'd heard my "go jump" comments on Unionists seeking special treatment under a Labor government. "Sharan, it doesn't mean you and Greg won't be in Cabinet", I think that calmed her down. She scares me when she's angry.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Paul's a great mate of mine

Paul's comments about my staff being poll driven and unsuccessful are totally unfair. Paul's a great bloke, a real chum of mine and a brilliant Labor warrior like Gough and my other great mate Bob. They tell me my friendly homesy, best mate chat polls well. Anyway, Therese placed the staff for me, disadvantaged unemployed they were. Julia says we're stuck with them no matter how bad they are, must show support for our new IR policies. Must go, they've just told me we're sending another aircraft carrier full of troops to Afghanistan.
"I 100% support the sending of our troops to defend emerging democracies in foreign countries overthrown by the Americans....what's that Gary...oh yes.....except in Iraq. The polls say Iraq stinks, but Afghanistan's fine - keep sending the troops I say....Quality men my staff, those comments should poll well, right Gary?"

Saturday, June 2, 2007

I'm not sure I like the Labor Party

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like Trade Unionists. They're grubby, uneducated, underdressed, unattractive and inarticulate. Julia's always defending them, but to be honest I'm off them.

I'm having lots of doubts, Therese has been on and on about how great AWA's are, I don't really want to drive a Hybrid car. Maybe I'm a Liberal at heart? Could I get Howard's job after all, Leader of the Liberal Party,!.............."Therese honey, I've got another idea".....

Thursday, May 31, 2007

I'm a hybrid sort of guy

I'm taking the lead globally yet again with my Climate Change policy. My personal commitment to throwing away my dignity to drive a Toyota hybrid car just shows the lengths I'll go to get elected. My commitment extends to the removal of Baked Beans and Curries from my diet and a world leading rotation policy on my underpants. 2 flips per week is my motto and my cabinet will follow my lead. Sharan said she's a once a fortnight change anyway and Pete the Greeny says he doesn't wear them. I'm demanding that all interstate and overseas travel be undetaken by hot air balloon - my personal renewable fuel.

Given that I'm a hybrid sort of guy Therese is keeping the 450SL Mercedes V8.

"You're driving dear".

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Julia's Mighell High club

I don't know that Julia's friends Dean, Sharan and Greg can be trusted like she says. I almost choked on my Fruit Loops when I heard Dean revealing our IR policy on ABC Radio. I'm not putting up with leaks....I rang Julia and said he had to go.

I was never popular as a child!

It doesn't matter what I do, Australia has fallen in love with me. Therese is now saying the punters don't care about conflicts. She's thinking of buying a broadband cable laying business to get my cable rolled out after the election.

I can't pinpoint when Australia fell in love with me, maybe it was when I sang that song on Sunrise? None the less it's been confirmed by the polls, they love me unconditionally.

Is it my boyhood charm, my humility, that soft insincere tone I use, my regular admissions that "Yes, I'm human - I made another mistake".

All I know is Australia loves me and I love her back.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Who's a clever boy?

Therese performed brilliantly, she never missed any of her lines, nor should she seeing she wrote them all. I did exactly as she said, played the browbeaten husband. You know that incredibly insincere soft voice I do so well..... sure it's all her decision to sell. When we got home she said I'd definitely be sleeping on the couch if she sold the business and I didn't get elected.
"Get elected or get out" she screamed, "I was making a fortune out of the Libs until you came along and stuffed it up!"

"More tea dear?"

Speaking of clever, that horrible little man is planning on spending the GDP of a small country on a TV campaign on global warming......but who's really clever Mr Former P.M.? I've got my ace on fixing global warming, the old ABC weatherman and he's forecasting more Rein!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Therese comes to her senses

Finally Sharan and Julia arrived. It was about 11pm and I was dog tired, in my new pyjamas with 'The Lodge Canberra' embroidered on them and ready for sleepy byes. Therese got the jarmies made during the Hong Kong stop over, bless her.
I love Sharan, she's the man I'd love to be. If Julia's barren then Sharan's ground zero. "Well Therese" she said. "Your little appendage is gunna be PM whether you like it or not." Sharan and Julia then went on to explain their Industrial relations program for after the election. Craig Johnston as the Fair Work Chairman and all the other moves, they were like giggling schoolgirls picking a netball team.
Therese just stood there silent, she couldn't believe I was going to be PM and Julia and Sharan's plans, it was all a bit much.
"As a businesswoman, I've got no choice", she said. "Who in their right mind would own a business in Australia." Sharan and Julia laughed and nodded, "I've got an obligation to my shareholders to sell."
"More tea" I yelled.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Never drunk so much tea

Well it was tense at home when Therese finally arrived. I boiled the kettle, closed my eyes and held my hands out. Nothing.. I knew it was going to be tough. Therese always brings me home the business class toiletry kit. I poured the tea and unpacked her suitcase.
"Well Kevin," she said, "I run a multi million dollar business finding jobs for the disadvantaged. I got you your current role didn't I? I pull about $2 million a year and you're lucky to get $100 thousand. I've played along with this 'Mr Peabody rules the world thing' for long enough now. Maybe you should be a stay at home Dad Kevin. You can be my little appendage, you always admired Dennis Thatcher didn't you".
"More tea Dear?"
It didn't go well, I need a real man to negotiate with her. I might call Sharan. I'm very confused with a bladder full of tea at the moment. I don't know how I'm going to tell Julia