Thursday, December 27, 2007
I want to publicise the needy and hopefully their now regular appearances on all major media outlets, will see them secure jobs.
I figure if I keep visiting places like Bali, Afghanistan, Iraq, Churches and these shelters it looks like I'm actually doing something and deflects from the fact I'll never make a major decision.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Hey, it got me elected - people didn't want action, they wanted soundbites.
Sure grocery prices are high - I'll appoint a commissioner (won't fix them) and Oil prices are high, another commissioner (no fix). But my much exploited "Australian Working Families" (AWF's) don't see the distinction - if I talk they assume it's fixed.
My PR and Spin team are working on a series of new slogans and soundbites as we speak, they're in focus groups full of AWF's to get the message just right - My favourite's "Carbon Kevin - bringing clean air from Heaven", "Yes I want clean air - I'm eating carbon reduced baked beans" "Kevin the World's First Carbon Crusader"
Living with a 2050 target is about as committed as my government will get over the next 3 years - so who gives a stuff what we commit to for then, I'll only get kicked out over any commitments I make for the next decade - and there's no chance of that - maybe I'll commission a report, then a conference and then a summit!
Friday, December 7, 2007
In my "race to ratify" I had finally broken the global deadlock. Standing ovations in Bali, I am truly a global hero of Al Gore proportions.
Monday, December 3, 2007
At least I didn't say I'd have interest rates at record lows, (Record highs Julia says!)
Of course my Ombudsman will decrease grocery prices, because increased energy prices from Kyoto will reduce Grocery Manufacturers and Retailers costs so they can reduce prices, won't it?
Oh well, I'm an economic conservative, surrounded by fellow Economic conservatives, so everything will be OK! If only we were Economic literates.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I've already ordered my underlings to visit Schools and the Homeless before they come to Moi! They will then be asked to get me tea and an earwax sandwich for lunch.
I don't intend to appoint Minister's just assistants. Julia is the Assistant to Kevin for Industrial Relations, Swanny Assistant to Kevin for Treasury and so on.
I intend to run Australia as my little project, given I have intellectual capacity unheard of in the Labor Party, an education!
Strap yourselves in Australia, the Education Revolution is underway, shortly followed by the Industrial Relations and Climate change Revolutions. Compliments of Kevin Ruddrless PM.
Monday, November 19, 2007
They can't get enough of the Ruddster, one even fainted this time! I have to look in the mirror - I know I'm a run away winner in the "I'm too sexy for PM" stakes. Then again it's like comparing Kim Beasley to Ben Cousins.
I haven't been this popular with schoolgirls since Miss Spencer at Eumundi Primary made me waterboy for the girls netball team on a 40 degree day. Unfortunately I wasn't good enough to get a game.
Who would have thought, Kevin 07 popular with the ladies?
Saturday, November 10, 2007
I think we announced a 0.02% increase in Education funding a month ago, but bugger me if I can remember anything else.
As the polls overwhelmingly demonstrate Australian's couldn't care what I say, all I've got to do is turn up to get their collective worms wobbling.
Anyway, The Education Revolution is an unstoppable force now, if only I knew what it was?
See you in the lodge KEVIN07
Sunday, November 4, 2007
On Friday Mr Bailey rang the Kevin 07 hotline and told me he would get rain for Southern Australia this weekend to help launch our policy.
In one of our more credible policy announcements, Labor will guarantee higher rainfall than under the Coalition during the next term of Parliament.
Me Too that Mr. Howard.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The campaign has gone brilliantly with anything I say getting Australia’s collective worms erect!
As I preach my economic conservatism whilst throwing a billion for this and a billion for that, my rating with Australian working families grows exponentially with my ego.
I have briefly outlined my first 10 days agenda.
· Rename Canberra KEVIN
· Rename the ALP “The Kevin Experience”
· Print a new Kevin $070,000 note – it will be the new $50 in weeks
· Have the “I was only joking ads” queued to run after we’re in power featuring my Union friends
· Introduce new unfair dismissal laws – it’s now unfair to dismiss any Union member.
· Fix those old farts in Tasmania – increase GST on Nanna nappies and close down the Devonport Nursing home
Friends, we’re heading back to the good old days of deficit's, unproductive wages increases and inflation and you voted for it.
See you in the Lodge!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
Restoring democracy by killing the poor
Saving the world, the CIA
My hypocrisy is stupefying
I agree with all party decisions
Political party lines, don’t cross that floor
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Kevin 07 said his advisors were also viewing footage of Chris Judd's eye gouging of Hawthorn's Campbell Brown and expected to charge Judd once elected.
After his policy speech experienced staff took Kevin 07 away for immediate assessment.
Doctors noted he was "Mildy psychotic, suffering from delusions of grandeur, mixed with extreme bouts of schizophrenia and convenient memory loss."
Kevin 07 was released after fellow inmates complained that he was too weird for them after he had burst into a rendition of the Tax Scales followed by a three hour diatribe on Workchoices.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
It's Kevin 07 not Labor 07!
Given the group of Union hacks and ABC celebrities that will make up Caucus once I've won, what choice have I got?
I'm also announcing exclusively here my new fiscal policy.
Given inflation will be out of control and the Unions, led by Julia and Greg Combet, will take control of wages again, I'm printing a $1000 note. It's got me on one side and Dietrich Bonhoeffer on the other. I expect it to replace the 5 cent price by my second year in office.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Poor Kate Ellis needs a break from nodding and smiling over my left shoulder every day in Parliament.
Nicole is perfect, she looks great, nods well and smiles at the right time. Perfect for Team Kevin 07. She's even given Julia tips on how to wear make-up, if only we could get her into a nice frock now and then.
Look, how can my all star candidates expect to know policies, that's not their role. With Maxine, The old ABC weather guy and Peter Garrett we'll have more ARIA's and Logies than the Libs. That's what's really important to my party and Australian working families.
As the polls show Spin beats Substance every time.
Monday, September 24, 2007
My new best mate is Al Gore, ex Vice President of the USA and movie star. I've added him to my Christmas card list with my other new best friends President Hu and George Bush. Al and I are going to make a series of new movies, "An Inconvenient Truth - About Brian Burke", "An Inconvenient Truth - About Scores" (Rated R) and finally, "An Inconvenient Truth - I have no policies" after the election.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
2. Arnold and Kevin were both drawn to Gymnasiums at an early age – Arnold lifted weights, Kevin was a towel-boy
3. At the age of 15 both men lifted 100 pounds, Arnold with one arm, Kevin in one year.
4. George W Bush thinks Kevin Rudd grew up in the same part of Australia as Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. Arnold almost tore his bicep in an attempt to win Mr. Universe, Kevin while watching Miss Universe
6. Arnold was nicknamed the Austrian Oak, Kevin the Australian Joke
7. Arnold starred in a movie called Total Recall. Kevin starred in a farce called No Recall.
8. In the movie Twins, Arnold's onscreen partner Danny De Vito is the misfit, imbecile result of a failed experiment, Kevin's onscreen partner Julia is the misfit, imbecile result of another failed experiment.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
If the media want more than a soundbite I need more research time, it's simply not fair to change the game and look for substance from me at this time in the election cycle.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Do you realise we'll need another 240,000 skilled workers, to run all the Commissions, Committees, Conferences and Reviews I'm planning in my first term.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Her robotic monologue about Tricky Mr. Howard and poor Australian working families even bores the crap out me. It's enough to drive me to my third drink honestly. I hear she's working on a new sentence to trot out especially for the Election campaign....Australia can't wait Jules!
Seriously, Australia couldn't think that anyone in the Labor Party could actually be PM apart from me. Peter Garrett? Well someone once told me he's a good musician. Wayne Swan? Swanny, Swanny how I love ya, but not that much. He used to bully me at Nambour High. Only made him Treasurer because he used to work on the checkout at Coles – he's the most skilled person on our front bench. Julia, god love her, could put a group of A.D.D. Teenagers on speed to sleep when she gets going. What about Mar'un Ferg'son, that Union bloke. Heard him say it 50 times but still don't know his name. Fair Dinkum, he could talk for a hour and you'd think it was one word.
I do have time for that pretty young thing who nods and smiles behind me in Parliament. Still don't know her name, but at least she's got a full set of teeth.
The rest are fair dinkum Union Hacks and failed School teachers – they'd make great State Premiers of course.
As I keep telling them, it's Rudd or a Dud.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Hey - I'm a lap dancing christian, tea-totling binge drinking, memory faded intellectual hypocrite but Australia still loves me even more each day. Why raise Human rights issues with China when it might endanger my tickets to the Olympics, why upset my mate George W with talk of Global warming? There were no cameras there anyway.
If I'm asked by Laurie I'll give my standard reply "I'm sorry I don't recall what was said".
I ask myself, does Australia love Kevin Rudd? You bet she does.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
President Hu from China and TV cameras! I could finally show off my Chinese. That little tricky fella wouldn’t know a Wong from White but I showed ‘em.
Our local Chinese Takeaway has been on the receiving end of Rudd Chinese for years, even after Mr. Yu sold out to a nice Somali couple in December 2004. The best Sweet n Sour Pork outside Peking at Mohammed’s Golden Retriever Restaurant in Aspley.
President Hu was clearly impressed, his interpreter later told me he also liked his Dim Sims without soy sauce and loves Prawn Crackers as an entree.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
I have a solution for World Peace, the running of the UN and APEC, the Iraq situation, global warming and world poverty........well maybe more an opinion than a solution! But, none the less if I talk about an issue my adoring Australian public continues to assume I can fix it. And modestly I agree with them.
If only the U.S. had listened to me previously. Once I’m elected World Leader of Australia I plan to disband APEC – get rid of all those second tier players and just get the Super powers, China, Japan, USA, Russia and Australia together at what I’m calling the Rudd lectures. I’ll give an annual speech in their native tongues on how they should be running their countries. Should see the world a better place within weeks.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
That’s when Therese’s agreements expire and she says we’d lose $10 million on the sale of her business if we dumped them early. She's still pissed with me over Scores.
I said to her the other day, “Look dear, I was drunk and don’t remember a thing. When I put that $10 bill in your underpants on the night of my return from New York I simply thought you were a vending machine.”
Monday, August 20, 2007
I don’t remember a thing after that, light beer always was my downfall. Believe me I’ve only been drunk twice! Someone put vodka in my Creamy Soda at the school camp and that night in New York.
I rang Therese next day and told her I’d had Goose for dinner, strangled the goose or behaved like a goose. I can’t remember! She’s very understanding my wife.....she finally spoke to me again when I was elected Opposition Leader. She calls herself Hilary Clinton now.
I beg my adoring public for forgiveness. I am fallible. I never said I was religious or a true clean living family man. I just stage managed that impression, maybe I do have more in common with Mark Latham than John Howard after all.
I just hope this finally endears me to working Australians, those blokes like me who love a bit of crumpet, a night on the piss and a bit of lap dancing before racing home to the misses.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
You know I only went into politics after seeing Sonia MacMahon in that skimpy dress with Billy. In the friction of my pubescent stupor I had an epiphany, Nerds get the hot chicks if they go into Politics. John Howard and I are living proof of that.
I love John Howard, I want to be just like him. I think it will make change easier, Australians should just think of it as handing over to John Howard's little brother.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
How dare that dishonest old man adopt a poll driven political strategy. That's my territory. It appears the more I become like him, the more he becomes like me.
Don't blame me for the Premiers, I didn't vote for them and as far as I'm concerned they're nothing more than a bunch of upmarket trade unionists. It was my idea to attack the government over state issues, I agree they're hopeless and wasteful. Don't blame them or me, blame John Howard.
It's fascinating to see Liberal polling reveal how likeable, compassionate and appealing to young hip voters I am. No surprise to me of course. My mentor in this area, Peter Bleattie told me "Mate, once you can fake sincerity you've got it made". Not only have I got sincerity covered, I've also got empathy, likeability and compassion!
Monday, July 30, 2007
I must say I feel let down by the government. I backed John Howard all the way on this Haneef terrorism charge. I feel let down; it’s almost cost me my electoral credibility.
I was prepared to stick my neck out and back the PM. This Haneef fella looked like a terrorist. He’s Muslim, has a beard, his cousin’s have tried to blow
I sensed public opinion shifting, Peter Bleattie rightly expressed his outrage that he hadn’t been lead story on the
Call it spineless, call it weak, call it repositioning myself with my adoring public and showing electoral flexibility – as long as I pick up votes.
I am outraged that this poor little Indian Doctor has been victimised by the Keystone Cops. Indian Doctor’s have done so much for
Nothing short of Judicial inquiry or maybe a
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
My fellow Queenslander and great bloke, Peter Bleattie is his own man. Sure we both have that sanctimonious tone in our voice, we may buy our Teflon suits from the same tailor, have the same camera shy media reclusive style and have the same school boy hairstyle, but Peter doesn’t speak for me.
My support of John Howard is clear cut, I love his policies on Terrorism, Aborigines, Logging and the Murray Darling.
I’m truly unique in politics in that I can be an environmentalist who supports logging, a free market man who supports price regulation, a unionist who supports banning Trade Union leaders, a John Howard supporter and detractor, a man of action who loves consensus and a change agent who has no policies.
I'm your man.......or woman, Gotta run
Monday, July 23, 2007
Let them log, particularly if they vote. Who cares about the environment when there are a few cheap Tasmanian votes to be had.
I always preferred that my Tassy wasn't overgrown - a bit of a trim makes it more contemporary and I'm a modern guy after all.
Gotta log off now
Sunday, July 15, 2007
You can pick your friends but you sure can't choose family! First Therese declares her love of Work Choices and her multi million dollar deals with the Liberal government, now Greg's donating to the damn Liberals.
It's time to go.....Greg. I wish Howard would hurry and call the election, the Labor Party's running out of members and Christmas Dinner's looking very frosty.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I'm convinced that if I don't get elected this country will continue it's current economic slide and become the new Zimbabwe. My great labor mate and fellow patriot, Paul picked Mr Howard as a rampant Nationalist in the Robert Mugabe, Adolph Hitler mold. Good one Paul!
Our former Labor warriors Paul, Bob and more recently Mark have covered themselves in glory post their Leadership days. They're great examples of the selfless people dedicated to leading the Labor party with only the rights of working families in their hearts.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I can't believe it myself, but I've done it again.
I'm lowering grocery prices. Not by increasing competition, not by understanding supplier's issues, not by understanding how supermarkets exploit their monopolistic position, not even by understanding global supply chains......I'm going to publish Grocery prices for bread, milk and eggs on the ACCC website!
That should give the Punters the relief they need, watch prices cascade as I post the first prices at:
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
I said to Therese I simply can't believe today's poll. That old man almost drawing level with me as preferred PM, cannot be true!
What have I done wrong? I've told Australia I can solve every domestic problem, every global and regional issue and I've already solved the drought. My appointment of the old ABC weatherman proved an inspired choice.
Surely it's not the Aboriginals, I know.... it could be Prince William. I shouldn't have bagged him with a Channel 9 special only days later. I'll ask my Commissioner for opportunistic appointments to get me a meeting with him, hopefully he speaks Mandarin so I can finally express my linguistic prowess.
Therese has got the wobbles over this poll, she's even putting the sale of her Australian business on hold.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Hah Hah, Brendan Nelson let the cat out of the bag. It's all about Oil. Under my policy Australia will have no Energy security, it's my number 1 priority.
I'll mandate Hybrid cars for all, surely that'll fix it. Therese has already bought a dealership in anticipation.
Iraq remains our biggest foreign policy disaster since we went into Vietnam to provide security of cheap clothing and holidays.
I've always advocated the world would be a better place if everyone was like me. That's my foreign policy. If I'm elected PM of Australia I'll also become PM of "The Arc of Instability". These primates need Rudd-like values. My education revolution will sweep the region teaching these imbeciles that Australian History is far more important than any Islamic claptrap. I'll cure their health issues, solve unemployment and they can have my IR policy thrown in for free.
What the world needs now, is Rudd, Sweet Rudd. Look out world here I come.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Why would we want that grubby, young, little, party Prince as our Governor General. Australia is only big enough for one King and First Lady thank you very much.
The last thing this country needs is an inexperienced, younger upstart taking cheap shots at the Leader about their age gap!
We all know the only good thing to ever come out of Britain is the Spice Girls. When I'm elected PM I'm instituting a Royal Box at Boondall just in time for the World tour, should make great press as Posh Spice plants one on The Sexy PM downunder!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
It works a treat...to date I've already solved our Education issues, Industrial relations, cured Heart disease and retrained Doctors, broken the drought (it was my policy), solved all our economic ills, mandated peace in Iraq and fixed Global warming.
Clearly I've done more for this country in 6 months than Howard's done in 10 years.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
I've told Julia on numerous occasions I'm sick of her grubby Trade Union friends. If they didn't fund our advertising campaigns, provide 90% of our membership and parliamentary candidates, I'd ban the lot of them.
"Smelly and ugly," I've called them on many occasions as I surveyed the party room.
First it's Julia's kissing cousin Dean Mighell, now Fat Joe the building bully.
Julia and I met with the Executive and we're concerned Howard will use his N.T. Legislation and take Trade Unions over from their Leadership. Couldn't blame him really given the way they behave.
Well Mr. Howard you're not the only clever politician going around, I've decided when I'm running this country we'll stop this Union Official bad behaviour. It's now our policy to ban any filming or recording of Union Officials at any place or time.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I hope I haven't upset the Chinese - I really wanted to impress them with my command of Mandarin. Gary says I've blown my chance, he's got the new Diary Commissioner trying to tee up a meeting with John So.
Monday, June 11, 2007
My staff informed me that petrol prices were polling as the day's big issue. I clearly had no choice but to announce a Petrol Commissioner. I think my new strategy of appointing a new Commissioner to handle the number 1 poll issue of the day is a piece of genius. I've asked Therese to get 50 CV's to me quick. Really, this country is such a basket case I have no choice but to re-invent every institution and practice.
Sharan rang last night, very unhappy. She'd heard my "go jump" comments on Unionists seeking special treatment under a Labor government. "Sharan, it doesn't mean you and Greg won't be in Cabinet", I think that calmed her down. She scares me when she's angry.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Paul's comments about my staff being poll driven and unsuccessful are totally unfair. Paul's a great bloke, a real chum of mine and a brilliant Labor warrior like Gough and my other great mate Bob. They tell me my friendly homesy, best mate chat polls well. Anyway, Therese placed the staff for me, disadvantaged unemployed they were. Julia says we're stuck with them no matter how bad they are, must show support for our new IR policies. Must go, they've just told me we're sending another aircraft carrier full of troops to Afghanistan.
"I 100% support the sending of our troops to defend emerging democracies in foreign countries overthrown by the Americans....what's that Gary...oh yes.....except in Iraq. The polls say Iraq stinks, but Afghanistan's fine - keep sending the troops I say....Quality men my staff, those comments should poll well, right Gary?"
Saturday, June 2, 2007
I'm having lots of doubts, Therese has been on and on about how great AWA's are, I don't really want to drive a Hybrid car. Maybe I'm a Liberal at heart? Could I get Howard's job after all, Leader of the Liberal Party,!.............."Therese honey, I've got another idea".....
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Given that I'm a hybrid sort of guy Therese is keeping the 450SL Mercedes V8.
"You're driving dear".
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I don't know that Julia's friends Dean, Sharan and Greg can be trusted like she says. I almost choked on my Fruit Loops when I heard Dean revealing our IR policy on ABC Radio. I'm not putting up with leaks....I rang Julia and said he had to go.
I can't pinpoint when Australia fell in love with me, maybe it was when I sang that song on Sunrise? None the less it's been confirmed by the polls, they love me unconditionally.
Is it my boyhood charm, my humility, that soft insincere tone I use, my regular admissions that "Yes, I'm human - I made another mistake".
All I know is Australia loves me and I love her back.
Monday, May 28, 2007
"Get elected or get out" she screamed, "I was making a fortune out of the Libs until you came along and stuffed it up!"
"More tea dear?"
Speaking of clever, that horrible little man is planning on spending the GDP of a small country on a TV campaign on global warming......but who's really clever Mr Former P.M.? I've got my ace on fixing global warming, the old ABC weatherman and he's forecasting more Rein!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Finally Sharan and Julia arrived. It was about 11pm and I was dog tired, in my new pyjamas with 'The Lodge Canberra' embroidered on them and ready for sleepy byes. Therese got the jarmies made during the Hong Kong stop over, bless her.
I love Sharan, she's the man I'd love to be. If Julia's barren then Sharan's ground zero. "Well Therese" she said. "Your little appendage is gunna be PM whether you like it or not." Sharan and Julia then went on to explain their Industrial relations program for after the election. Craig Johnston as the Fair Work Chairman and all the other moves, they were like giggling schoolgirls picking a netball team.
Therese just stood there silent, she couldn't believe I was going to be PM and Julia and Sharan's plans, it was all a bit much.
"As a businesswoman, I've got no choice", she said. "Who in their right mind would own a business in Australia." Sharan and Julia laughed and nodded, "I've got an obligation to my shareholders to sell."
"More tea" I yelled.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
"Well Kevin," she said, "I run a multi million dollar business finding jobs for the disadvantaged. I got you your current role didn't I? I pull about $2 million a year and you're lucky to get $100 thousand. I've played along with this 'Mr Peabody rules the world thing' for long enough now. Maybe you should be a stay at home Dad Kevin. You can be my little appendage, you always admired Dennis Thatcher didn't you".
"More tea Dear?"
It didn't go well, I need a real man to negotiate with her. I might call Sharan. I'm very confused with a bladder full of tea at the moment. I don't know how I'm going to tell Julia