Sunday, October 28, 2007

I'm unbackable

Friends, we are stampeding towards our first Ruddrless government and new leadership from Kevin 07 himself.

The campaign has gone brilliantly with anything I say getting Australia’s collective worms erect!

As I preach my economic conservatism whilst throwing a billion for this and a billion for that, my rating with Australian working families grows exponentially with my ego.

I have briefly outlined my first 10 days agenda.
· Rename Canberra KEVIN
· Rename the ALP “The Kevin Experience”
· Print a new Kevin $070,000 note – it will be the new $50 in weeks
· Have the “I was only joking ads” queued to run after we’re in power featuring my Union friends
· Introduce new unfair dismissal laws – it’s now unfair to dismiss any Union member.
· Fix those old farts in Tasmania – increase GST on Nanna nappies and close down the Devonport Nursing home

Friends, we’re heading back to the good old days of deficit's, unproductive wages increases and inflation and you voted for it.

See you in the Lodge!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

It's my party and I'll hang who I want to...

Let's be honest here, I'm leading a team of losers.

They haven't won an election in a decade, they actually had Mark Latham lead them to an election (seriously), what hope have they got.

If it wasn't for Kevin 07 they'd all be back running Unions.

What I say goes. If it polls poorly it's changed, if it polls well it's my idea, if it's Howard's I support it - Labor policy is nothing more than an idea in search of a favourable opinion poll.

As I've told them all - "When I want an opinion I'll give you one" and "you're accountable for my mistakes". I can't be clearer than that.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Peter Garrett rewrites History

U.S. Forces (2007 remake)
U.S. forces get the nod
Democracy for your country
Bomb the houses all in rows
Restoring democracy by killing the poor

Saving the world, the CIA
As I avoid the issues
My portfolio leaves me with no sense to talk
Draw your own assessment
I used to sing songs that I’m denying
My hypocrisy is stupefying
I’m waiting for the next big flip
Will you know it, when you see it
High risk morals, casualty of war
Political advisors, call my shots
I’m doing dodgy deals, in parking lots
Protecting my seat, for tomorrow
I’m happy with Gunn’s Ta-mar emissions
All demonstrators should go to prison
I agree with all party decisions
Political party lines, don’t cross that floor

Kevin L Rudd will save my life
Superboy’s married to a millionaire wife
In the shadows of rampant hypocrisy we live
I used to sing songs that I’m denying
Winning government’s all that I’m trying
For the love of Kevin 07 I’ll say, anything

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Midnight Oil sell out Tour

Peter Garrett confirmed today that Midnight Oil would reform for a sell out tour. Confirming the band's new direction the show's will feature covers of ABBA hits and tributes to US forces peacemaking roles globally.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Kevin Rudd announces he'll also prosecute OJ Simpson

Already drunk on the prospect of power Kevin 07 announced today he'll also prosecute OJ Simpson if elected PM.

Kevin 07 said his advisors were also viewing footage of Chris Judd's eye gouging of Hawthorn's Campbell Brown and expected to charge Judd once elected.

Kevin 07 detained in Hospital tour

Kevin 07 was today detained after a policy announcement at a Queensland Mental Hospital during his week long tour of Australia's hospitals.

After his policy speech experienced staff took Kevin 07 away for immediate assessment.

Doctors noted he was "Mildy psychotic, suffering from delusions of grandeur, mixed with extreme bouts of schizophrenia and convenient memory loss."

Kevin 07 was released after fellow inmates complained that he was too weird for them after he had burst into a rendition of the Tax Scales followed by a three hour diatribe on Workchoices.