Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Call me Kev, man of action

Today I announce that under a Ruddrless government we will end the insidious Work Choices legislation. This horrifically, brutal legislation that denies workers basic, human rights and dignity and has been targeted by Unions who have spent $20 million opposing it, this cruel, mean, tricky law that my colleague Julia Gillard and myself so vigorously opposed will be abolished in...... 2010!

That’s when Therese’s agreements expire and she says we’d lose $10 million on the sale of her business if we dumped them early. She's still pissed with me over Scores.

I said to her the other day, “Look dear, I was drunk and don’t remember a thing. When I put that $10 bill in your underpants on the night of my return from New York I simply thought you were a vending machine.”

Monday, August 20, 2007

I’m not Captain Perfect, call me Sergeant Sleazebag! Kevin .07 and one of the boys!

I take full responsibility for my actions. It was the first time I’d seen a naked woman with the lights on. These were the girls who had driven me to glasses during my adolescence – right in front of me, smiling at me, calling my name, gyrating, naked ...... It took all my energy not to regress to my adolescent bedroom.

I don’t remember a thing after that, light beer always was my downfall. Believe me I’ve only been drunk twice! Someone put vodka in my Creamy Soda at the school camp and that night in New York.

I rang Therese next day and told her I’d had Goose for dinner, strangled the goose or behaved like a goose. I can’t remember! She’s very understanding my wife.....she finally spoke to me again when I was elected Opposition Leader. She calls herself Hilary Clinton now.
I beg my adoring public for forgiveness. I am fallible. I never said I was religious or a true clean living family man. I just stage managed that impression, maybe I do have more in common with Mark Latham than John Howard after all.

I just hope this finally endears me to working Australians, those blokes like me who love a bit of crumpet, a night on the piss and a bit of lap dancing before racing home to the misses.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Mini Me from the ALP

I'm the first to admit guys like John Howard have always been my heroes. Growing up idolising Barry Jones, Pee Wee Herman and Billy McMahon, I now find myself watching the Simpsons hoping for a glimpse of Millhouse.

You know I only went into politics after seeing Sonia MacMahon in that skimpy dress with Billy. In the friction of my pubescent stupor I had an epiphany, Nerds get the hot chicks if they go into Politics. John Howard and I are living proof of that.

I love John Howard, I want to be just like him. I think it will make change easier, Australians should just think of it as handing over to John Howard's little brother.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Kevin 07....made in Heaven

My popularity hasn't been this high since I spilled gravy over myself to get the neighbours dog to lick me! I'm your man, I can't even believe it myself - Kevin 07 PM, leader of the free world.

To add to my online presence for all those who can't get enough of the Ruddmeister, I've now got Kevin 07. It's a hip, funky, groovy way for my adoring public to get even more of me and see how few policies I've really got.

Fair dinkum, I'm a bigger online tart than Paris Hilton.

Gotta run

Monday, August 6, 2007

What's old and wrinkly and hangs out underpants?... The P.M.

How dare that dishonest old man adopt a poll driven political strategy. That's my territory. It appears the more I become like him, the more he becomes like me.

Don't blame me for the Premiers, I didn't vote for them and as far as I'm concerned they're nothing more than a bunch of upmarket trade unionists. It was my idea to attack the government over state issues, I agree they're hopeless and wasteful. Don't blame them or me, blame John Howard.

It's fascinating to see Liberal polling reveal how likeable, compassionate and appealing to young hip voters I am. No surprise to me of course. My mentor in this area, Peter Bleattie told me "Mate, once you can fake sincerity you've got it made". Not only have I got sincerity covered, I've also got empathy, likeability and compassion!

Gotta Run.