Friday, May 30, 2008

What a weak ........

All I can say is, "You got me!" But it took you 18 months.

That talk about Grocery & Petrol prices and Australian Working Families, all those photo opportunities at kitchen tables, all those concerned grimaces – I had my fingers crossed all along.

As I said today on ABC Radio, I actually conceded once during the election when finally nailed in an interview that I was full of hot air, so did Swanny. That didn't of course stop me going to another kitchen table, having another press conference and berating John Howard about Petrol and Grocery prices again. I even continued rabbiting on about my Petrol Commissioner.

It's all your fault if you thought I was going to reduce prices – you should been listening to the ABC in August last year.

I even contradicted myself on radio this morning admitting that after all my hype about a Petrol Cop on the beat I couldn't actually reduce Fuel prices, yet I've constantly said the my petrol Cop will reduce prices.

Call me flexible rather than hypocritical, cynical and disingenuous. Read the fine print people.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

My Scores lesson, 'Look but don't touch' is now policy

“Look but don’t touch four eyes” the bouncer yelled pointing at the sign.

I first learned about the ‘LOOK but don't touch’ philosophy when I was in New York. Scores had the sign hanging above the lap dancer as I lapsed into a coma after an alcopop induced binge
session. For the record I can’t remember anything else.

I’ve taken the learning of Scores into Government.

Look but don’t touch – Petrol prices, Grocery prices, Housing affordability and anything else. Inquiries, Commissioners you name it. I’ll look at everything but do nothing.

The other learning about convenient memory loss and blaming everyone else of course were well established in Opposition.

Friday, May 23, 2008

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

Well, I admit some of you may have voted for me thinking I was going to reduce Oil, Grocery and House prices but you should have read the fine print. You can’t hold me accountable!

What more can I do, honestly? I’ve appointed a Commissioner to look at petrol prices and an Inquiry to look at Food prices. I’m hoping my encouragement of interest rate increases and our policy of driving up unemployment will stitch up housing prices, if it doesn’t I’ll look into it.

My actual promise buried in the bravado and rhetoric was to LOOK at prices.

I’ve looked and there’s nothing I can do.

It was clearly John Howard’s fault that the global economy drove up petrol and food prices. Now of course it’s become a global issue, not mine.

I said the blame game was over, another promise you needed to read the fine print on. I’ll continue to blame John Howard and the Global Economy, not my mates in the states!

Anyway I’ve only been in charge for 6 months and despite saying on March 4th I’ll take full responsibility for the economy, read the fine print, I was only joking. It’s my wacky sense of humour surfacing again!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Don’t touch my Alcopops

Dr. Nelson’s decision to oppose my brave initiative to reduce binge drinking has me flabbergasted.

He’s a Doctor, surely he knows that increasing tax on Alcopops will immediately stop kids getting horribly drunk and solve the binge drinking problem in Australia. In a sea of tokenism it’s been my greatest policy announcement.

Didn’t Doctor Nelson see the impact tax hikes had on reducing smoking and lung cancer when they were first introduced!
I’m planning to prevent childhood obesity next week by taxing Wonka Bars and Adult Obesity the week after by taxing Krispy Kream donuts.

C’mon Doctor, get your head around the health benefits of my tax policies.

Monday, May 12, 2008

ALP announces 'Tree of Knowledge' and 'Know all' cloned

The ALP has announced today that following the successful cloning of the Tree of Knowledge, its self proclaimed replacement Kevin Rudd, has also been successfully cloned.

"A great day for Australia, we now have generations of ALP Rudds to continue my legacy in due season" said a proud Mr Rudd.

"Ringbark the tree, the people love me" he announced holding the 5 Rudd embryos being implanted at the Queensland DPI.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

What’s an Australian Working Family look like?

I’ve spun myself into a lather with all my talk of Australian Working Families (AWF’s). But bugger me I have no idea who they are?

The Lemmings are all following Rudd’s Law and keep referring to AWF’s to justify everything we do.
But I think it’s time I finally defined who AWF’s are?

Here’s my current definition of Australian Working Families.

  • They aren’t gay

  • They aren’t families who work, if they make more money than others

  • They aren't Carers or Pensioners and may not even be a family

  • They don’t drive expensive European cars

  • They could be a family with kids, but they may not be

  • They may speak Mandarin - hopefully

  • They can afford big mortgages, but not groceries or petrol

  • They may be hurt by petrol prices because they’re driving a big luxury car

  • They’re hopefully Union Members

  • They don't drink alco pops

  • They can be pregnant and work, but not be pregnant and work and be wealthy

  • Sometimes they may not even work

  • They don't use Solar panels on their homes

    There it’s clear, and I have a mandate to protect these people come hell or high water and in due season.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

To be like me

My Transformation of Australia into the World according to Rudd takes another stride at this year’s Budget.

As I keep telling my colleagues, Australia elected Kevin07, not the ALP. Australia fell in love with her future image when she voted for me and I intend transforming her into that very image. The USA has had John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, Australia will have Kevin.

I’m the aspirational beacon for Australia’s youth and I’m groovy and on the web.

My policies reflect my moulding of Australia into a country that will reflect my personal values, experiences and inadequacies.

I have been disappointed in the Australia I've seen so far. If the Summit had our best and brightest then I think I'll have the next Summit in my office. Now it looks like I’m going to have to micro-manage the daily lives of Australian’s – dictating their alcohol intake and choices, how they spend their money – even withholding their pensions if they’re naughty and dictating all their choices in education.

Stay tuned to Swanny doing his best Kevin07 impersonation – see if you can spot my hand up his back!

As I’ve always said the World will be a better place when everyone’s finally like me.

Monday, May 5, 2008

What the World needs now is Rudd, Sweet Rudd!

I often wonder if I’m really a Labor man. I can’t stand Trade Unionists, smelly, grubby and uneducated. You know I’ve never met one of them who can speak Mandarin or has ever heard of Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

I only ever entered politics for the power trip and an audience. With my superior intellect I figured I’d have more chance of leading the Labor Party than any other.

What’s happened in NSW only confirms my view of the Labor Party. It’s full of morons, too primitive to engage in the reality of today. Hanging on to their outdated Socialist ideals, using bullying and intimidation as their tools of trade and trying to run the policies of the Party they control financially.

Wake up boys, the Tree of Knowledge has been replaced by KEVIN07.

I’m way too smart for these Working Family types! Unfortunately they also vote. You tell them what they want to hear, give them a sympathetic ear. I feel your pain - but not your hand. Paint a false dawn for them, take their money and their brightest Union Leaders (an oxymoron, I know) and then do what you want.

Who really believes that rubbish they trumpet?

The Labor Party would be a much better place if it didn’t have Labor members.

Anyway it’s all about me now. The punters voted for a visionary, a man who walks both sides of every issue, a man not frighten to say he wasn’t briefed on that tough issue or to rationalise a backflip. In fact, one of the most flexible Politicians in the free World. A Leader already hailed in Times Top 100 Most Influential. KEVIN07! And all I had to do was say Sorry! I think that will be my Mantra – Sorry.

Sorry I don’t know about that! Sorry I can’t comment! Sorry, my staff got it wrong! Sorry, I feel your pain! Sorry, I’ll personally fix that! Sorry, it was the previous governments fault!

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Elmer Rudd Global Warrior - Now for my prosecution of Ahmadinejad

I'm generally hoping most Australian's will forget my Election promises and spin. You'll say anything when you're courting someone - I actually recall telling Therese her clothes were understated in our early days.

As I've now transformed into Elmer Rudd, global Warrior - it's time I hunted down Iranian Bad boy President Ahmadinejad as per my ill considered pre election bravado.

With my new best friend George W by my side it's time we dragged the bad boy of the Middle East in to do hard time at Long Bay.

Oh Goody, another long distance flight.

My War on Alcopops

Shhhhhhhh, be vewwwy, vewwwy quiet; I'm hunting bwinge dwinkers, heheheheheheh

I know Australia was unsure if I had it in me. Mr. Popularity, they said, couldn’t make a hard decision they said – well I showed them again.

I acted swiftly and decisively and have again rescued Australia from the brink.
My tax increase on Alcopops came from the same place as a Barry Hall haymaker. No one saw it coming.
Poor Therese had to race the Prius down to Dan Murphy’s in her bright red, satin dressing gown and clear out all their remaining Pineapple Breezers late on Saturday night.

My personal experience of binge drinking is hazy, I didn’t touch the girls, but surely this swift move has brought an unsavoury chapter of Australian teen life to an end.

I’ve transformed from Kevin 07 -shallow populist to Elmer Rudd – hunter and man of steel.
I’m hunting Alco pops.