Saturday, September 29, 2007

I'll do it my way!

By taking the "us" out of Caucus and putting the "i" in to Team, I have left no doubt it's my government and my country.

It's Kevin 07 not Labor 07!

Given the group of Union hacks and ABC celebrities that will make up Caucus once I've won, what choice have I got?

I'm also announcing exclusively here my new fiscal policy.

Given inflation will be out of control and the Unions, led by Julia and Greg Combet, will take control of wages again, I'm printing a $1000 note. It's got me on one side and Dietrich Bonhoeffer on the other. I expect it to replace the 5 cent price by my second year in office.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I’m not into shallow, sound-bite, celebrity politicians who lack substance –that’s my territory

I stand right behind Nicole Cornes; because I want her to sit right behind me.

Poor Kate Ellis needs a break from nodding and smiling over my left shoulder every day in Parliament.

Nicole is perfect, she looks great, nods well and smiles at the right time. Perfect for Team Kevin 07. She's even given Julia tips on how to wear make-up, if only we could get her into a nice frock now and then.

Look, how can my all star candidates expect to know policies, that's not their role. With Maxine, The old ABC weather guy and Peter Garrett we'll have more ARIA's and Logies than the Libs. That's what's really important to my party and Australian working families.

As the polls show Spin beats Substance every time.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I'm an Al Gore whore

Sitting in Parliament listening to Bob Beige and Peter Garrett rabbit on about Climate change only confirmed my view that the best place for a Greenie was up your nose.

But Hey, that's all changed now and there's votes in it.

My new best mate is Al Gore, ex Vice President of the USA and movie star. I've added him to my Christmas card list with my other new best friends President Hu and George Bush. Al and I are going to make a series of new movies, "An Inconvenient Truth - About Brian Burke", "An Inconvenient Truth - About Scores" (Rated R) and finally, "An Inconvenient Truth - I have no policies" after the election.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I have more in common with Arnold Schwarzenegger than you think!

1.Arnold and Kevin both had an aortic valve transplant
2. Arnold and Kevin were both drawn to Gymnasiums at an early age – Arnold lifted weights, Kevin was a towel-boy
3. At the age of 15 both men lifted 100 pounds, Arnold with one arm, Kevin in one year.
4. George W Bush thinks Kevin Rudd grew up in the same part of Australia as Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. Arnold almost tore his bicep in an attempt to win Mr. Universe, Kevin while watching Miss Universe
6. Arnold was nicknamed the Austrian Oak, Kevin the Australian Joke
7. Arnold starred in a movie called Total Recall. Kevin starred in a farce called No Recall.
8. In the movie Twins, Arnold's onscreen partner Danny De Vito is the misfit, imbecile result of a failed experiment, Kevin's onscreen partner Julia is the misfit, imbecile result of another failed experiment.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Kevin - "07 seconds worth of substance"

How embarassing, I don't know the tax rates Australian's pay. All I know is Therese pays about $500,000 in personal tax a year and that probably covers half my annual tax payer funded expenses and lifestyle.

If the media want more than a soundbite I need more research time, it's simply not fair to change the game and look for substance from me at this time in the election cycle.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

We'll need more skilled people.. because I haven't got any

Yesterday at my election launch, I announced another breathtaking world leading initiative, Skills Australia.

Do you realise we'll need another 240,000 skilled workers, to run all the Commissions, Committees, Conferences and Reviews I'm planning in my first term.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Surely Julia wouldn't knife me?

All this talk about Julia having political ambitions is nonsense. Julia's been fantastic too me, but give me a break, Julia for PM!

Her robotic monologue about Tricky Mr. Howard and poor Australian working families even bores the crap out me. It's enough to drive me to my third drink honestly. I hear she's working on a new sentence to trot out especially for the Election campaign....Australia can't wait Jules!

Seriously, Australia couldn't think that anyone in the Labor Party could actually be PM apart from me. Peter Garrett? Well someone once told me he's a good musician. Wayne Swan? Swanny, Swanny how I love ya, but not that much. He used to bully me at Nambour High. Only made him Treasurer because he used to work on the checkout at Coles – he's the most skilled person on our front bench. Julia, god love her, could put a group of A.D.D. Teenagers on speed to sleep when she gets going. What about Mar'un Ferg'son, that Union bloke. Heard him say it 50 times but still don't know his name. Fair Dinkum, he could talk for a hour and you'd think it was one word.

I do have time for that pretty young thing who nods and smiles behind me in Parliament. Still don't know her name, but at least she's got a full set of teeth.

The rest are fair dinkum Union Hacks and failed School teachers – they'd make great State Premiers of course.

As I keep telling them, it's Rudd or a Dud.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

C'mon Mr. Prime Minister commit to a full term and stop acting like a Labor leader

The hypocrisy of my recent call for the PM to commit to staying a full term or stand accused of misleading the Australian people wasn't lost on me as Peter Beattie resigned mid term following another Labor beauty Steve Bracks.
Hey - I'm a lap dancing christian, tea-totling binge drinking, memory faded intellectual hypocrite but Australia still loves me even more each day. Why raise Human rights issues with China when it might endanger my tickets to the Olympics, why upset my mate George W with talk of Global warming? There were no cameras there anyway.

If I'm asked by Laurie I'll give my standard reply "I'm sorry I don't recall what was said".

I ask myself, does Australia love Kevin Rudd? You bet she does.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Does anyone know I can speak Chinese?

Boy did I wow those Chinese with my Mandarin. I honestly don't think President Hu had heard anyone else speak Chinese before. I could have lectured him for hours in Mandarin. I told him all about my son's learning problem, my daughter's cold sore, my next door neighbours love of Ho Mai dim sims and my weakness for Soy Sauce. He suddenly said he had to go and handed me a family pass to the Olympics. It had John Howard's name on the envelope - clearly he's not a multi lingual world leader like me, you know...there aren't many of us.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

I finally had my say..

Today my moment arrived, I’ve been waiting years for this one.

President Hu from China and TV cameras! I could finally show off my Chinese. That little tricky fella wouldn’t know a Wong from White but I showed ‘em.

Our local Chinese Takeaway has been on the receiving end of Rudd Chinese for years, even after Mr. Yu sold out to a nice Somali couple in December 2004. The best Sweet n Sour Pork outside Peking at Mohammed’s Golden Retriever Restaurant in Aspley.

President Hu was clearly impressed, his interpreter later told me he also liked his Dim Sims without soy sauce and loves Prawn Crackers as an entree.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

George W will finally meet a real Statesman

I’m going to show that peanut President a thing or two when he meets me. I bet he can’t speak Mandarin and I bet he hasn’t had a full contact lap dance from Candy, Brandy, Randy and Sandy.

I have a solution for World Peace, the running of the UN and APEC, the Iraq situation, global warming and world poverty........well maybe more an opinion than a solution! But, none the less if I talk about an issue my adoring Australian public continues to assume I can fix it. And modestly I agree with them.

If only the U.S. had listened to me previously. Once I’m elected World Leader of Australia I plan to disband APEC – get rid of all those second tier players and just get the Super powers, China, Japan, USA, Russia and Australia together at what I’m calling the Rudd lectures. I’ll give an annual speech in their native tongues on how they should be running their countries. Should see the world a better place within weeks.