Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm having a whale of a time big noting myself!

I made much of anti whaling talk prior to the election. Talk of International Court prosecutions and sending the military down to sort Japanese whalers out.

Peter Garrett got a bit carried away again, "You don't have to harpoon them to find out important scientific information about them,""It's cruel, it's barbaric and it's unnecessary."

He added: "Fifteen minutes of agonising death at the hands of a harpooner is no way to treat these beautiful and regal creatures."

I wasn't elected to actually do anything was I? Anyway after weeks of Japanese whaling and Garrett and the bloody media carrying on I sent a non military option down to monitor the Japanese. A few home movies and a nice piece on Sunrise.

Upon finally going to Japan I understood that whaling was merely a disagreement amoungst friends!

Roll on 2008 Whaling season and we have to give up. No monitoring, No support of those wanting to stop it, No upsetting our good mates Japan! I'm a man of the globe and I love those little Japanese - they have big voting rights at the UN.

It was good enough to get us elected but not worth ruining my chance to be UN Secretary General.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

George, Hu, Barak and John rang again last night!

As I said today it’s gonna be ugly, tough and hard running Australia and spending the surplus built up over 12 years in 12 months, but I’m the man. So much so that my phone runs hot now with a range of World Leaders and would be World Leaders seeking my counsel.

Take last night, I was sitting down to watch re-runs of Quantum at 11pm and the phone rang. It was George again. George rings me constantly asking a series of questions that only I can answer. What’s the G20 Kevin? What’s a depression? How many cents in a dollar Kevin? What’s my password to the global missile system? I answered George, rang The Australian to fill them in and sat down to watch Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Hu. We spoke as equals in Mandarin, did I tell you I speak Mandarin? Hu was worried about the Global Crisis, his sales of Melamine are down 80%. “Don’t worry HU” I said, “I’ve told George what to do, it’s under control”. Hu thanked me, I rang The Australian and briefed them and resumed Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Barak. Barak was wanting my counsel on the global crisis. “I’m on my way over Barak”, I told him. “I’ve spoken with George and Hu – did you know I speak Mandarin?” I rang The Australian and sat down again.

I had got ten minutes of Quantum and the phone rang again. It was John McCain. “Kevin I need a killer policy to win the election, what should I do?

“John hit them with an Education Revolution, High Speed Broadband and say you're there for Working families. Build on the Joe the plumber thing”. I hung up and rang The Australian.

Australia you really did the World a favour electing me, John Howard would have slept through all that.