Monday, September 9, 2013

Don't worry I'll be a loyal little backbencher, again

I saved the Party, if not for me we'd be smaller than the Australian Motoring Enthusiast party.

I've done my job, ditched the witch and saved the furniture. Six years in Opposition gives me time to build my momentum. Ease back in with Kochie, a couple of Project appearances, I may even twerk. Do a backflip on some emerging policy idea, get the kids screaming again, then fire up Twitter with a couple of selfies.

Australia then gets back on the Ruddster, over the top I come and can you believe it, PM for the third time!

If all else fails I'll back door Ban-ki and take over the UN or possibly re write the bible and add that bit about slavery in.

Gotta Zip

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Quick Australia Last chance for a Selfie

I've got an extra large battery strapped on my iphone and I'm off - 3 days of back to back Selfie sessions. By Saturday more Australians will have a KRudd selfie than have NBN connections!

You love me, I just wish you were old enough to vote...

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

I can even spin the Bible now!

I let them have it on Q&A last night. My recent conversion to Gay marriage had me at the throat of that Christian ratbag.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle - I'm a bigger gay icon than Kylie. I'm gonna wax my ass, slap on the chaps and lead Mardi Gras next year!

The Bible says Slavery is a natural condition, the only natural condition I subscribe to is me in charge......Take that Jesus and your Bible!

I believe people are born gay, just like I was born full of spin. It's not my fault, its genetic. Like my deficit, my lying and my temper - all genetic and definately not my fault.

Thought Bubble

You know what this country needs is millions of Gay Boat people to save my ass!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

The black hole grows bigger and bigger and threatens a global recession

Penny and L Plate Treasurer worked through the night on our excel spreadsheet and found another $10 billion black hole. It was Treasury approved, they use the same excel package as we do!

Add it to the $15 trillion black hole and I've caught Tony Abbott out, aren't I clever! My speech was inspirational, Penny was serious, concerned and horrified. L plate was equally stern, pouting in disgust just like the acting teacher instructed..... and I was brilliant.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I'm a serious World Leader...I've got a picture to show it

It's never about action, it's always about perception. Here's a pic of me, arms not long enough for a selfie, on the phone trying to get Broncos tickets from my old mate Rupert.

For all the world it could have been Barak ringing for my advice on Syria, alas he mustn't have my number - he never returns my calls.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

The more you see the more you love... Too much ain't enough Rudd!

I've always worked on the theory "Too much ain't enough Rudd".

Fair dinkum, I'd travel through the night to get 30 seconds on a TV program - so what's the issue Australia? 

You've clearly not got enough Rudd.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

A new way - with NO negative politics, that's me.

Just quietly.... Tony Abbott will drive us in to recession, he'll cut 18 million jobs and shut 50,000 schools and we'll be at war with Indonesia over boat people.

I'm not being negative just passing on irrefutable facts.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

They're not broken promises...I’m just a bit over exuberant with the truth. (again)

My Twitter exploded with people calling me a hypocrite over my negative ads on Tony Abbott. C’mon guys, fair suck of the sauce bottle!

You know me, I’m happy Selfie Kev. KRUDDMP, Kevin 07 – the happiest, wackiest, most hip and popular PM ever.   The guy who screams at flight attendants, rages at staff when I don’t get my way, has hissy fits if I can’t get a hair dryer in Afghanistan, screams and bangs his fists in rage on camera.

I’m the guy who School kids love, the guy who said he’d never see circumstances where he’d take on the leadership of the Labor party, the guy who hasn’t lurched to the right on Asylum seekers.

C’mon guys – I’m not in to negative ads, remember it’s a new way!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Today's Opinion polls can't be right!

I personally cannot believe the latest opinion poll. I gotta say Australia, you’ve got it wrong.

Speaking personally, I have never loved myself as much as I do now. I’m back, the people’s Prince has been resurrected.
C’mon Australia – I’m the lovable nerd, what about the zany selfies, the massive intellect, the ability to speak Chinese, the adoration of 10 year old school kids, even Peter Beattie says he loves me.
It’s not fair the Murdoch press have turned on me. I’ve given them more stories than any MP in the past 7 years. I’ve still got the ABC & Fairfax onside, but I’m lobbying Ten to bring back ROVE for a month.
Australia, I’ll get really angry – just like the video, if you don’t show you love me by voting me back as PM. Fair shake of the Sauce bottle! Get it right. Gotta zip (see, I’m a funny guy).

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I can't get by without my Triple A credit rating

How do you think I could pay out all these billions.... not without my Triple A credit card.

We're going so well we've just written down $33billion in revenue, got a slowing economy, stagnant retail sales, unemployment spiking and whacked up taxes. The cut in interest rates only reinforces how great things are.

Phew, did anyone buy that?

Monday, August 5, 2013

Re elect Australia's greatest Prime Minister for the first time!

I'm new Kevin, old Kevin never really existed. He was a blubbering mess after they punted him.
New Kevin represents a complete change from the incompetent, petty, internally preoccupied, Labor Government of the past 6 years.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

We'll be in surplus - I demand Treasury forecast it!

You know I'm not one to take accountability, it's always someone else's fault.

My honest assessment is we'd be in huge surplus if only Treasury delivered their forecasts. It's that simple.

I'm fixing this by demanding they deliver the latest forecast to achieve yet another Labor surplus, our tenth forecast surplus in 6 years, a proud record of economic management.

My Treasurer Chris Bowen, the man who delivered Grocery Watch and the Petrol Commissioner, is just the man to make it happen.  Oops!  Time for a selfie.. Kim Carr caught leaking in Parliament House!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Stop the boats - drownings - FBT job losses - Policy on the run .... Time for a Selfie

Note to self: when times get tough distract.
Man these disabled toilets have poor ventilation, fortunately my shit don't stink..
Ha Ha Kevin

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

World's climate fixed - thank you Kevin

You know me, I’m a climate change warrior.
I’d travel to any International Conference on Climate Change at a moment’s notice. Climate change and K Rudd are one – the greatest moral challenge of our time accepted by the greatest carbon warrior of our time!

No one travelled to more conferences, held more press conferences, wrote more speeches or made more outrageous claims about the impact of climate change than me. I was milking climate change before anyone else....and what did I do – I drove a Prius.

Today I wanted to announce that Climate Kevin was back, look out Carbon here I come again. I’ve scrapped the Carbon Tax and made pollution cheaper for working families, well made it appear that way.

As you know it’s not about the detail, it’s about the headline.
Climate fixed – the world saved and I’ve done it at Aldi prices.

Thank God for Kevin.

Friday, July 12, 2013

I'll reduce Power prices...just like I did with groceries & petrol

Another NEW COP ON THE BEAT is coming.....look out Australia!

Australia's First Opposition Prime Minister

Being the first Opposition Prime Minister is quiet taxing.

I think I've successfully managed to prove I had nothing to do with anything Labor.....ever!
  • I hate Gillard and I actually got rid of her (Abbott couldn't do that)
  • I apologised for the Pink Batts deaths - a stupid scheme run by some terrible former Labor government
  • I'm taking on the Unions and faceless men - those terrible elements of the Labor Party where creepy backbenchers can destabilise the elected Leader for years, then brutally remove them.
  • I talk about the future and hope and what's wrong with this country after 6 years of Labor rule
I was tempted to have the Kevin 07.1 debate the old Kevin on these issues at the Press Club yesterday

Kevin 07.1 is a clean slate - no baggage and no past - reincarnated as the perfect leader who Australia fell in love with in 2007.

We're workshoping new party names and logos to take the election - the new consultative Kevin is open to suggestions, just checking now to see if Abbott has trademarked The Liberal Party

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

What a crazy cat I am.....

I love twitter, it allows narcissists like me to share the most inane things with millions of people.

Check this out – funny huh? What a wacky man of the people I am.

I’m going to take a selfie of me pooing my pants soon – stay tuned.

Australia's Ruddymoon period continues

The only way this marriage works is if you all close your eyes and start again.

I'm Kevin 07.1.

The hype, the hope, I can fix everything, I'm the great communicator, man of the people, all round nice guy, global statesman, honest politician, common man and nerd made good. It's as simple as that!

It wasn't me yelling on the video, I didn't abuse the flight attendant or have half my cabinet resign because they think I'm a psychopath. I didn't get any warning letters about Pink Batts, I didn't knife Julia - that's horrible Kevin and he's gone.

Phew - I think you bought it!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Man up Tony, come and bash the Nerd

It's officially year zero, welcome to the new Australia and K Rudd has just been democratically elected PM.

I'm officially wiping my past, new Kevin has risen - the love child of Confucious and Paris Hilton.

Some things never change, I'm still the deluded narcissist I always was.

C'mon Tony, come and debate the masterdebater. I've officially got nothing to hide!

Gotta zip (my ego)

Friday, July 5, 2013

Here we go again.....Sorry, Sorry Sorry!

I'm Australia's leading apologist. Sorry for all the anger, Sorry for the Stolen Generation, Sorry for abusing the flight attendant, Sorry for not solving the biggest moral challenge of our generation, Sorry for delivering nothing of consequence in 3 years as Prime Minister.

Here I go again. "Sorry for the young people needlessly killed by 'the government’s' mismanagement of the Pink Batts scandal".

Not my governments, not my mismanagement – the governments. See how I distance myself and didn’t take responsibility. Aren’t I clever!

OK - now let's move on to my good mates Marty and SBY. Lots of photos opps, lots of tweets and hopefully lots of votes!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Forget Misogyny - we're off to War!

I couldn't stand idly by and watch Australia be sent off to war by Tony Abbott.

For the good of the nation and my own ego I had to act and overthrow the elected leader of Australia. It’s for your benefit remember!

Being PM is all about popularity, it’s a bit like Australia’s Got Talent, and haven’t I got talent! You love me and now you’ve got me back (by popular demand).

On to a point of National interest, as the world‘s leading foreign policy expert I can confirm Tony Abbott’s plans to invade Indonesia and then move stormtroopers across to New Guinea. Not satisfied with his new kingdom, Field Marshall Tony will then invade Poland. I predict his demise on the Russian Front in the winter of 2015.

Think of the impact on Indonesian, PNG & Polish working families, think of the carbon Tony will use?

Thank god I’m back and I love gay marriage now and I’ll move the election from Yom Kippur, so a few Jewish votes will also help.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

You ask for it....and I'm back

The People's Prince returns

It's official Australia - you've been saved

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I'm only coming back if you all say sorry and say you love me!

Admit it is your fault - you let perfection slip away. Say please and the Messiah may rise!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Call me a lingering fart - the bad smell that won't go away

I love Geelong and Geelong sure does love me! ... and can you blame them.

Geelong has been kicked in the head, humiliated publically, snubbed by big business and left to rot and I can relate to Geelong.

But I ain't going away. Any chance to dump some Rudd - on a local pavement, in a shopping centre and on the door of parliament and I'm there.

While there's love there's hope.

Like a teenage erection - you can't keep me down!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

I'm over the line - I'm Gay marriage's biggest fan

Any opportunity to appear relevant and I'm all in. I've turned and look out Australia, Kevin loves Gay marriage. I know it rules out my run for Pope but it firms up my run for Labor leader next year.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I'm a man of my word

I was never ever, ever going to challenge today. I’m the PM’s human shield – no way Jose, fair shake of the sauce bottle, Mr K Rudd won’t break his promise. I’m a man of principle.

Joel keeps pestering me all the time ...”C’mon Kevin reclaim the throne and give me a plum job”, he was at it again today. Then Simon resigns to join Club Rudd. “Please Kevin, save the country, save me, save us all from Julia”.

Frankly it’s tough having such adulation dumped on you, but I’m a man of my word, my moral compass will never point south.

But for 5 or so votes and those 2 idiots not in town I’d have been dragged kicking and screaming in to the PM’s role and talked very softly and with great humility about how I never sought it, but a greater calling forced my hand.... and I’d wish Julia and Tim all the best in the new Salon in Altona. Bugger!  


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Pipped for the pope - I might need a new gig!

After the first puff of grey smoke I contacted the conclave and offered to break the deadlock. Not to be, although my sources say it went down to the wire. He even looks like me, I'm flattered.

Therese was surprisingly happy with the whole celibacy thing, but Pope Kevin's day may come next time.

Well, I'm again a Great World Leader without any World to lead, surely this can't go on for ever?