Thursday, August 6, 2009

The passing of a great Australian - Sam the Koala

Australia mourns the loss of Sam the Koala today, a truly great Australian and great mate of mine.

It's no secret that the ALP had approached Sam to run as our high profile celebrity candidate against that cad Malcolm Turnbull in Wentworth. After spending some time talking through my policies, I believed Sam to be a more informed candidate than either Maxine McKew or Peter Garrett. She was passionate about our building an Education Revolution scheme and indicated that even Australia's Koalas had benefited from the stimulus package.

Sam was the ultimate victim of Climate Change, incinerated by Malcolm Turnbull's lack of policy on a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme. Just as Turnbull is personally destroying the Barrier Reef and Kakadu, he has barbequed this great Australian.

I plan a state funeral and photo opportunity shortly.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

What price Pink batts and a School hall?

Told you I was World Leader! I've managed to blow the family inheritance and what have I got to show for it - POPULARITY - and that's all that counts!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Don't be too fussy about a job - become a government minister

With our temporary recession forcing up temporary unemployment, it's important Australian Not Working Children don't become too fussy about what jobs they take.

We can't all be global statesmen fixing the World's problems - that's reserved for me, but as Mark Abib demonstrates we aren't fussy about who makes a government minister. It actually pays to be stupid!

We're creating 50,000 green jobs to replace the million jobs our CPRS is taking out and giving long term unemployed a weekly green outing. After today I think Mark may be amoungst them, so I'll need another semi literate fool to run a ministry.

C'mon kids don't be fussy, you get to wear lots of hard hats and get your head on TV.

Monday, July 27, 2009

My centrefold a success

My brief 6000 word centrespread provided the world with a blueprint for success. I hope Silvio, Angela, Gordon and Barack get their copies soon.

I hear newspaper sales have never been stronger, really it should be a weekly event. Australian Working Families of course are avid readers of the Fairfax broadsheets, particularly 6000 word spreads.

It also highlighted that I may finally have to make a hard decision.......but after the next election.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Forget Mary, Saint Kevin is a done deal

My meeting with the Holy Father was again a highlight for the Pope.
We talked briefly about Mary MacKillop but moved quickly to the miracles that I have performed, I must say they leave poor Mary in their wake.

The Pope acknowledged 4 miracles from me to date.

1. Convincing Australian’s that I was an Economic Conservative while running up record debt levels, then telling them the debt from my spending spree would only be temporary.
2. Having Australian’s believe Grocery Watch, Petrol Watch and the Petrol Commissioner were ever good ideas
3. Convincing Australians my policy on the run, my renamed stimulus spending, my computers in one or two schools and my stolen policies are actually an Education Revolution
4. My popularity ratings at record levels despite my abusing a flight attendant, my staff in Canberra and the hairdryer incident in Afghanistan.

The Pope has requested further detail on my miracle of single handedly saving that old bloke’s life at a Canberra church, my saving of the Whales from the Japanese and my saving of the Barrier Reef by my delayed Carbon pollution Reduction Scheme. He did acknowledge the fact that I renamed an Emissions Trading Scheme, the Carbon pollution Reduction Scheme as being miraculous in passing also.

Anyway he’s expecting that my beatification should be around the corner and poor Mary will have to wait.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Messiah to visit the Vatican

Rome is humming - Australia's self proclaimed saviour will visit the Pope in the Vatican to teach him a thing or two about stimulus packages and saving the world.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Fantastic Minister promoted???

No one can say I promoted on merit? I think Chris represents those millions of Australian's who are completly full of themselves but are incapable of doing anything.....a man in my own image

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fair Shake of the Sauce bottle - The Opposition Leader is worse than a people smuggler

  • I call on the Leader of the Opposition to resign.

    The Opposition Leader is charged with:

    Conspiring to have John Grant give me a free ute
    Manipulating my personal life by having John Grant become my mate
    Blackmailing Wayne Swan in to buying a car from John Grant
    Hypnotising Godwin Grech in to implicating me and my office and Wayne Swan in scandal
    Having the whole of Treasury's senior staff focussed on getting a finance deal for John Grant in the midst of a global credit squeeze
    Falsely having updates on Treasury's efforts to secure finance for John Grant sent to Wayne Swan's fax
    Standing up in Parliament and doing an impresonation of me and Wayne Swan and denying all knowledge of any efforts to influence assistance for John Grant.

    As you can see these are grave charges against the Opposition Leader and he must resign or buy a new Kia from John Grant motors for all his front bench.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I have the credibility of a Used Car Salesman

My axis of evil has been extended.

People Smugglers, Gordon Ramsey, RAAF flight attendants, Belinda Neal, Neo Liberals, Banks, CEO’s and False gods remain but I have to add Used Car Salesman.

Two days in row we had screaming babies removed from Parliament.

Today I carried a screaming Swanny out to his carers. I’m actually getting a bit teary myself, but a good night on the spinning wheel should see me come out shining.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Fair Shake of the Sauce bottle

Fair dinkum, Aussie Kev is buggered. These pesky journos give me grief, fair shake of the sauce bottle you journo's!

I gave Joel the lemon & sars, 'cos he behaved like a tosser. I give Mark Abib and Chris Bowen a leg up and cop flack. Mark did a great job starring in fat pizza and Chris has nailed Grocery watch, Fuel Watch and the Petrol Commissioner. Taking the piss aren't I?

Aussie Kev has had enough - hey i'm just an average true blue aussie bloke. I've just seen the pics of Therese in Woman's Day, what a sheila! I'm off to spank the monkey!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Psycho Chook - would you like fries with that?

So Barnaby Joyce thinks I'm a birdseed eating Psycho Chook. "Nothing weird about me" I screamed at my staff.

I ran off to the prayer room, chanted myself stupid, blowdried my hair, bowled a cricket ball down the office corridor, did a chicken dance, screamed at my staff again, rang Barack Obama (it was 2am Washington time), rang Kim Jong-il and asked him for his hairdresser's number, called a summit of my staff and then told then my ideas, donated to the save the whale people - then ordered whale sashimi takeaway, drove my eco-friendly Prius to the airport and flew off around the country, froze the punter's superannuation top ups but let mine go through, rang George Bush and told him "it's the G20 stupid" (it was 4am in Texas) then announced the Barrier Reef was almost dead but I'd fix it in 3 years.

Who's the wanker who said I was a psycho?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sure I talk to God every morning

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Yes Australia, I do talk to God everyday and I think it helps God get His head in the right space.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Didn't I tell you it was a Horror budget?

I really think Australia has been quite ungrateful when it comes to embracing my recent efforts to spend their great-grandkids inheritance. How quickly you forget who put that new plasma on your TV stand.

The budget was a carefully constructed event. The leaks, the drama, the horror – it was truly great theatre, lost on the average punter clearly! I took you to the edge but gave you a happy ending. Don’t you get it – it’s the Ruddster, no pain all gain! You took me too literally. Hey horror’s a pretty broad term anyway.

My budget was endorsed by the hard working guys and gals at Standard & Poors, they gave Lehman Brothers an A rating before they collapsed, so they really are great guys and gals.

Why the backlash on me anyway? I didn’t read it, just sat there licking my lips staring at Julie Bishop’s thighs and muttering a few here here’s. Why can’t Julia look like Julie? Horror, I’ll give you Horror Australia. Try sitting beside the despatch box with Julia Gillard’s arse in your face, that’s real Horror Australia.

So now I’ve gotta continue the horror theme and run the line we made the tough decisions that cost me in the polls. I take the hit, I made the tough decisions that needed to be made in the national interest, and the national interest is of course to have me as PM.

If this hurts my popularity any more I’m not afraid to make another tough decision and hang Swanny out to dry.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

C'mon Australia - no horrors - don't believe a word I say!

I blame Swanny.

Swanny, I said, " let's scream about a horror budget, make them think we're fiscally responsible. You know that Economic conservative stuff. Tackling the hard issues, paying off debt."

"Frame a budget that holds my approval rating in the 60's."

I get trashed in the polls after attacking wealthy Australia with a feather and making working families work a couple more years before they get a miserable pension.

I think they believed the spin - hey Australia nothing happened - no horror story here!

I'm terrifed about what might happen if I ever have to start paying back this debt. Seems like we're back to square one - no hard decisions for me.

All this looks like another stimulus package before the election.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Don’t worry it’s only temporary

$60 BILLION OF TEMPORARY DEBT, 8.5% OF TEMPORARY UNEMPLOYMENT, A TEMPORARY RECESSION – I fail to see what the issue is. Trust me it’s only temporary!

I’ll temporarily increase taxes, banks will have temporary record interest rates, the recession may temporarily go on a bit longer, maybe some more Working families will temporarily become just good old families. Trust me it’s temporary!

.....and you can all temporarily stay at work longer before retirement.

Seems the only gap we’re closing is that between your retirement and your funeral, but feel good in the knowledge you spent a lifetime helping pay off all those $900 Flat screens.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Introducing the Carbon Pollution Recession Reduction Scam

As I said during the election and again in office as I headed to Bali to sign Kyoto and again at the launch of my CPRS, this is urgent. We have to act now, 2010 may even be too late! I'll accept Garnaut's report I said, he's the expert.

"No sustainable leadership can ignore the elephant in the room of this proportion. To do so would be to threaten the future of our people, our nation, and our planet". Inspiring stuff isn't it!

"Do we reduce our pollution today so our children and grandchildren can experience the same beautiful and bountiful planet that we have inherited?

Or do we wait – knowing our grandchildren may never see the grandeur of the Great Barrier Reef, or experience the wonder of the wetlands at Kakadu". Therese was howling when I read it in bed. The Shakespeare of Climate Change she said.

In December 2008 when I announced the CPRS I had no idea we were having a Global crisis. I'd already sent out a stimulus package, but really that was a bit of fun! This last few months has changed everything.

When you're popularity is almost at an all time high why rock the boat when the record is in sight. The $900 cheques are just hitting, my popularity could hit 90%, be buggered if I'm doing anything to mess with that!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I think my economic conservatism is preventing me spending...

  • $42 Billion stimulus package - $3.9 Billion on insulation / $12 Billion in $900 cash gifts
  • $10.4 Billion stimulus package - $8 Billion in cash handouts
  • $43 Billion broadband - $100 Billion on Defense
  • $50 Billion+ Budget deficit

Thursday, April 30, 2009

My answer to Pig Flu!

Just wash your hands of it and it should go away.

Hey it worked for the Asylum Seekers and Joel Fitzgibbon!

Friday, April 24, 2009

It's clear my stimulus packages are having an impact

The IMF forecasts my stimulus packages will drive Unemployment in Australia over 7% and Digital TV penetration to over 95%

I'm proud that Australia is leading both the UK and USA in unemployment growth in the past 3 months and with my current plans biting we'll see Australia give away it's headstart and overtake these two giants shortly.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Don't mention Asylum seekers

Whilst I’m on the difficult topic of Asylum Seeker did I mention the recession?
You’d hardly expected me to come clean quickly on what happened on that boat – I’m clearly the last person to work out Australia’s in recession and even then I’m speculating.

If it gets Asylum Seekers off the front page then I’ll say anything.

I was quick to condemn that smarty pants Premier in WA with his wild speculation about petrol being spilled on the boat. How dare he know the answer to this national security issue a week before me! Kevin is Australia’s smartest man – it’s all wild dangerous, speculation. How dare anyone speculate on this sensitive matter before the coroner’s inquest.

It didn’t stop me speculating it was people smugglers and the global meltdown, not my relaxing of refugee laws, that was to blame for this incident.

Anyway, people smugglers are now on Kevin’s axis of evil joining Peter Costello, RAAF flight attendants, Belinda Neal, neo liberals, CEOs, false gods and banks.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

At least my stimulus package is stimulating my popularity

I’ve got all the answers to this global recession. You notice I now can’t stop using the word recession, I quite like it in its new global context. I'm beginning to love this recession, an excuse for anything. It's even funded my failed Education Revolution.

My targeted spending of tax-payers money on current and potential ALP voters in the form of handouts to splash on booze, escorts, pokies or new TV’s has really hit the mark.

I don’t judge its impact on unemployment figures, but my popularity. 74%, come on the handouts couldn’t be more targeted!

Anyway I’ve got the ultimate line. If I hadn’t spent the money things would be worse. Unemployment would have gone up to 7%, Parramatta would have lost to the Dragons by 30 points, Collingwood would have lost to Geelong by 90 points and South Africa would have beaten Australia by 60 runs.....but I’d still have 74% popularity.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Beware of worshipping a False God

With 74% popularity, 25 points ahead of Jesus and 42 points clear of Allah I would have to say my popularity is god like.
The perfect Christian, I even saved a fellow parishioner’s life recently – personally carrying this man ten kilometers to hospital after his collapse. I’m well known in public life as a man of humility, quietly spoken and even tempered. Have you ever seen me on morning T.V., my humble close “good to be with you” signed off with a cheesy grin.

I’m an Economic Conservative, I said so 50 times with Julia during the election and a man of the people. I hate corporate greed and wealthy CEO’s ripping us poor people off.

I don’t know where these horrible lies about me come from? Attending a strip club while drunk, bullying a flight attendant, working my staff like dogs and then attacking them publically when they complain, preaching a new socialism while living a multi millionaire’s lifestyle, prone to foul mouthed outbursts, promising false hope – Petrol Commissioner to reduce prices, Grocery Watch to reduce prices, 2020 Summit to fix everything...

As I said recently, "...worshipped as a god and we know now that god was false”. I went on damning those who put their egos and power ahead of all others “...the unrestrained pursuit of self-interest was not only morally legitimate but, equally, was to be morally encouraged."

Friday, April 3, 2009

Give me a global stimulus package, but don’t give me meat

I apologise unreservedly, after the event, for my latest bout of air rage. It’s tough for me being the only perfect being on the planet – everyone comes up short.

That trumped up waitress should have known better. Serving the World’s Number One mover & shaker, the White Obama, meat! She won’t do it again.

She’d be pouring Latte's at Donut King if I had my way.

Wasn’t I great at the G20! All that footage of me waving and pointing at Barack. It’s a little game we play now, started at the White House. I say “Hey Barack isn’t that Bin Laden over there” pointing into space. Barack goes “look Kevin, there’s Mark Latham”. We’re becoming great mates.

Did you see me hugging Lula from Brazil, real man love there. He can’t speak a word of English, thought I was the Chinese Premier...”not yet old mate”, I said.

Gordy, my mate Gordon Brown, keeps telling anyone who’ll listen how wonderful I am. Right back at ya Gordy! If I didn’t have Therese you know I’d be torn between Barack and Gordy.

Things are going well. 19 new friends who’ll listen to every word I say. Last time that happened was my grade 1 Birthday speech at Nambour Primary. I had 19 enemies when I finished an hour later.

I said to Therese I’m thinking of inviting the G20 for Christmas, as long as the press come.

Monday, March 30, 2009

It's official at 74% I'm bigger than Herpes

At 74% popularity I may also be more popular than Jesus and you know, I think I understand why.

I often look in the mirror and wonder at what my loyal followers see. A global statesman, a future UN Secretary General, the next Chinese Premier or just simply the only man who can get us out of this global financial recession and save the environment.

Whatever I’m dishing out the punters are loving it.

Thank god for this Financial Crisis, it’s funded my bankrupt Education Revolution, it’s allowed me to legitimise my International Travel and photo ops, it’s funded my bonuses to anyone who may vote Labor and it’s allowed me to flip from Economic Conservative to Economic Terrorist.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The world was the winner

Early days, but I think my "meeting of the minds" with my dear friend Barack was a real hit. The advice I gave him will, I believe, make the world a better place.
I think he enjoyed my words of wisdom. My experience as a global statesman was appreciated. I even shared a few Chinese phrases he might find handy when dealing with President Hu.
We had 90 minutes together and after I told him what great things I'd done and what great ideas I had for him, Barack barely had time to tell me how wonderful I was and it was over.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Nicola's driving me to drink

Nicola is like having a slow sister. She constantly needs direction – left to her own devices she trips herself up hourly. As I look across Caucus I do remind myself that this lot represent our community, idiots included.

Anyway, the latest Alco-pops drama has seen Nicola at her best. This Health Tax was developed to solve binge drinking across our teens, not solve our budget deficit. It’s another of my visionary policies, fix health by taxing booze. I thought Nicola got it – my mistake!

Nicola was on message for so long, I’d spent weeks drumming it in to her. This of course is the girl who has only ever won one debate in her political life – and that required Tony Abbott to not turn up. As I’ve said to Therese, Nicola’s best work is done in any empty room.

Well, Nicola’s mature reaction to the Alco-pops Health Tax has me wishing she’d stayed in her office. Hand back the $300 million we’ve raised already to the booze companies?

It’s a health tax so let’s spend the revenue on health girl.

Driving a $1.5 billion black hole in the budget.

It’s a health tax. It’s about health not revenue!

Who do I replace her with? Peter Garrett, Maxine McKew?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

What will Australia be like when we come out of recession?

We’ll have millions of unemployed Australian’s with plasma TV’s, they’ll have liver damage from their $900 binge drinking sessions, we’ll have a generation who expects government to pay off their credit cards via an annual bonus, a major class divide and record taxation levels imposed on the few who are working, but my greatest legacy will be the knowledge everyone will be comfortable in their well insulated rental accomodation.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Oops I started a shitstorm

Old potty-mouth did it again.

As I desperately try to appeal to my left wing, working class base I feel I have to remind them that despite my multi millionaire lifestyle, my fluent Mandarin and my over educated snobbish tone, I am really one of them! Well a cleaner, more educated version anyway!

I'll fix those horrible employers, those filthy rich CEOs and I don't care if I create a shit storm. Did you know I got drunk twice and went to a strip club?

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I'm a complex sort of guy

If there’s an election to be won, I’m an economic conservative. If there’s business to be won over then I’m a free markets guy.

If there’s an economic crisis, then I’m a born again socialist. If the budget’s going in to deficit then I can’t pronounce deficit. If we’re in a recession, then I’ll just call it a slow down.

If there’s a CEO to be kicked then I’m against million dollar CEO salaries....but if I want a Rudd family holiday or a new car then I love million dollar CEO salaries.

I’m a complex sort of guy, a hypocrite? No...maybe just a linguistic gymnast.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I can't believe Australia wasn't stimulated by my package!

At least I did something!

Just think how bad things would have been if I hadn't given all those previously working families additional pokie money and paid for them to upgrade to full strength beer.

I quite fancy my package....I can't believe Australia wasn't stimulated.

Your loss Australia.

I'm heading over to see Barack and I'm sure he'll be stimulated. Just the thought of shaking his hand is more than stimulating me!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Boring yes..Toxic...maybe!

I’ll admit I’m a bore – hey anyone who lists Dietrich Bonhoeffer as his hero is about as boring as you’d get.

As a child I was that boring mum had to cover me in the leftover casserole to get the dog to sniff me.

My five longest relationships at school were with deaf people. My relationship with Therese finally took off when I gave her a walkman, our only marital aid now is an ipod.

But Toxic...fair go Tony, I’ve bored people witless, bored them beyond belief, bored them to tears, but never bored them to death.... Give me time.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My pokies revolution approved

It's clear now, we have 2 parties on different paths. Malcolm Turnbull stood in the way of my big handout and the seven day delay will probably result in Australia moving in to its worst recession ever!

My $42 billion War on Insulation, Pokies Revolution and Spend whatever it takes on education to prove I actually had a plan for an 'Education Revolution' will surely send generations of future Australian's in to long term debt and poverty......but at least they'll have been poorly educated in newly built schools!

Just remember who gave the punters $900 and insulated their homes from the weather -but not declining values when the next election rolls around.

Good old Uncle Kev!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Saving the world, it's all in a week's work

After writing the essay that will save the world from Neo Liberal vandals I moved quickly to save a pensioner who collapsed in Church. I did my best, personally carrying this beast of man on my shoulders out of my Church while applying CPR and giving him a $900 bonus.

After helping this poor wretch I then ran home in 40 degree heat and commenced work 24/7 on the $42 billion package to save Australia.

In a time when interest rates are collapsing, petrol prices have fallen and inflation has come down I've given the battlers another pokies handout. I figure they can now play the $2 machines and buy full strength beer given the money that's been freed up lately and this bonus.

Screw the recent unemployed, most of them are Neo Liberal Bankers anyway and screw anyone earning over $100,000 per year. I'd rather give drinking and gambling money to the punters.

My education revolution is back on track thanks to sending Australia $20 billion in debt and my bonus for household insulation will surely offset the hot air coming after I rolled on carbon trading!

Got it covered, I am legend!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Only Barak and I can save the Free World

My essay on rescuing the World from Neo-Liberal, cannibalistic capitalists and restoring a new world order provides a blueprint for the World to follow.

The greatest economic failure in 75 years has allowed the greatest political blowhard in 75 years to draw on my years of experience as a China trade Consultant to map a path that will lead to global prosperity.

Cometh the hour cometh the Kevin!

My greatest challenge was holding my thoughts on the new world order to just 7000 words.

Barak, the balls in your court mate, I have provided the vision and between the world’s 2 pre eminent leaders, you and I – yes we can!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Bloody Economy - Ruined a good trip

I don't know how I'll cope. Three straight months in this country, I'll go stir crazy.
Me staying in Australia 3 months - I know how David Hicks felt in Guantanamo.

My overseas trips are my release, a bit of duty free shopping, I get my RAAF points transfered back to Qantas, catch up with a few World Leaders and tell them how wonderful I am, lobby for the UN Secretary General role, Therese gets to parade those taffetta frocks and everyone's happy.

This global financial crisis is starting to really upset me, I had to cancel my trip to Davos. I wanted to go, let Julia deal with it I say. My agenda is global - I can save the World.

I'm staying but I'm not happy. I'll sack Swan and Tanner if they don't fix this - I'm keynote speaker at the Congress of Third World Emerging nations against Global Warming Conference in Cairo in the 4 months!

Friday, January 2, 2009

What a year....I've changed Australia for ever

As I hung up the phone from talking with my 50th World Leader on New Years Eve I took time to reflect on the profound changes I've already made to Australia. I consider my "Kevin Revolution" one of the world's most significant.

Therese even gave me a set of Che Guevara pyjamas for Chrissy to recognise what I've done.

Fair Dinkum, we've had more lame revolutions here in the past 12 months that a broken down Victa lawnmower.

I've solved the Aboriginal problem, the Global Fiancial Crisis and Global Warming. I've made more phone calls than a Mumbai call centre operator and flown more air miles than the space shuttle!

Bring on 2009.