Monday, March 30, 2009

It's official at 74% I'm bigger than Herpes

At 74% popularity I may also be more popular than Jesus and you know, I think I understand why.

I often look in the mirror and wonder at what my loyal followers see. A global statesman, a future UN Secretary General, the next Chinese Premier or just simply the only man who can get us out of this global financial recession and save the environment.

Whatever I’m dishing out the punters are loving it.

Thank god for this Financial Crisis, it’s funded my bankrupt Education Revolution, it’s allowed me to legitimise my International Travel and photo ops, it’s funded my bonuses to anyone who may vote Labor and it’s allowed me to flip from Economic Conservative to Economic Terrorist.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The world was the winner

Early days, but I think my "meeting of the minds" with my dear friend Barack was a real hit. The advice I gave him will, I believe, make the world a better place.
I think he enjoyed my words of wisdom. My experience as a global statesman was appreciated. I even shared a few Chinese phrases he might find handy when dealing with President Hu.
We had 90 minutes together and after I told him what great things I'd done and what great ideas I had for him, Barack barely had time to tell me how wonderful I was and it was over.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Nicola's driving me to drink

Nicola is like having a slow sister. She constantly needs direction – left to her own devices she trips herself up hourly. As I look across Caucus I do remind myself that this lot represent our community, idiots included.

Anyway, the latest Alco-pops drama has seen Nicola at her best. This Health Tax was developed to solve binge drinking across our teens, not solve our budget deficit. It’s another of my visionary policies, fix health by taxing booze. I thought Nicola got it – my mistake!

Nicola was on message for so long, I’d spent weeks drumming it in to her. This of course is the girl who has only ever won one debate in her political life – and that required Tony Abbott to not turn up. As I’ve said to Therese, Nicola’s best work is done in any empty room.

Well, Nicola’s mature reaction to the Alco-pops Health Tax has me wishing she’d stayed in her office. Hand back the $300 million we’ve raised already to the booze companies?

It’s a health tax so let’s spend the revenue on health girl.

Driving a $1.5 billion black hole in the budget.

It’s a health tax. It’s about health not revenue!

Who do I replace her with? Peter Garrett, Maxine McKew?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

What will Australia be like when we come out of recession?

We’ll have millions of unemployed Australian’s with plasma TV’s, they’ll have liver damage from their $900 binge drinking sessions, we’ll have a generation who expects government to pay off their credit cards via an annual bonus, a major class divide and record taxation levels imposed on the few who are working, but my greatest legacy will be the knowledge everyone will be comfortable in their well insulated rental accomodation.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Oops I started a shitstorm

Old potty-mouth did it again.

As I desperately try to appeal to my left wing, working class base I feel I have to remind them that despite my multi millionaire lifestyle, my fluent Mandarin and my over educated snobbish tone, I am really one of them! Well a cleaner, more educated version anyway!

I'll fix those horrible employers, those filthy rich CEOs and I don't care if I create a shit storm. Did you know I got drunk twice and went to a strip club?

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I'm a complex sort of guy

If there’s an election to be won, I’m an economic conservative. If there’s business to be won over then I’m a free markets guy.

If there’s an economic crisis, then I’m a born again socialist. If the budget’s going in to deficit then I can’t pronounce deficit. If we’re in a recession, then I’ll just call it a slow down.

If there’s a CEO to be kicked then I’m against million dollar CEO salaries....but if I want a Rudd family holiday or a new car then I love million dollar CEO salaries.

I’m a complex sort of guy, a hypocrite? No...maybe just a linguistic gymnast.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I can't believe Australia wasn't stimulated by my package!

At least I did something!

Just think how bad things would have been if I hadn't given all those previously working families additional pokie money and paid for them to upgrade to full strength beer.

I quite fancy my package....I can't believe Australia wasn't stimulated.

Your loss Australia.

I'm heading over to see Barack and I'm sure he'll be stimulated. Just the thought of shaking his hand is more than stimulating me!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Boring yes..Toxic...maybe!

I’ll admit I’m a bore – hey anyone who lists Dietrich Bonhoeffer as his hero is about as boring as you’d get.

As a child I was that boring mum had to cover me in the leftover casserole to get the dog to sniff me.

My five longest relationships at school were with deaf people. My relationship with Therese finally took off when I gave her a walkman, our only marital aid now is an ipod.

But Toxic...fair go Tony, I’ve bored people witless, bored them beyond belief, bored them to tears, but never bored them to death.... Give me time.