Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I've ended the blame game...we all agreed to blame Howard

I chaired the ALP National Conference, now renamed COAG, today and did what Labor does best - flush billions of Tax Paying Australian Working Family’s hard earned dollars down the river.

Nothing like a few billion dollars of tax payers money handed over to my Labor buddies who are running their states brilliantly, a great photo opp and everyone singing my praises, including me!

As promised I’ve ended the blame game! We all agreed to blame Howard.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Does anyone want some Duty Free?

I’m off again, this time Europe and Asia will get the benefit of my experience as a World Leader.

I’ll show them how my Education Revolution has transformed Australia. Share with these people how my Petrol Commissioner has overseen record low Fuel prices. Entice them with my War on Inflation that has seen Interest rates tumble and housing affordability open up to the masses.
Most of all I want to show my Environmental credentials with my war on plastic shopping bags.

The trip should make for some great photo opps, I’ll trot out the Mandarin again, I’ll position myself as the next UN Secretary General and I’ll add tonnes of carbon to the Environment.

Sure I’m a bare faced hypocrite, just like my old mate Peter Beattie, but you know I’m more popular than childhood obesity!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I think I handled the Carers well?

We need a tough budget - I'm even bringing our troops out of Iraq to help fight my 'War on Inflation".

I'm going to rip $10 billion out of this economy with the most viscious cuts you've ever seen.
BUT......I've never been popular. At school Wayne Swan bullied me. Girls laughed at me, hey I even consider myself lucky to have snagged Therese. I went with Elton John glasses after he launched 'Sleeping with the Past'.

I can't believe how much I'm loved. I haven't been this popular since mum covered me in gravy and wrapped me in the lamb's wool seat covers when the Dog was on heat.
I want to be tough but I want to stay loved. My new best friends are Jackie Chan, Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and Cate Blanchett. Last year I was lucky to hang out with Sharan Burrow, Julia Gillard and Robert Ray.

I guess no one will notice if I talk tough and do nothing. Afterall that was my electoral platform.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

My 2008 Smartarse Summit

I am assembling Australia’s best and brightest men, Cate Blanchett and other “women” from my Androgynous front bench to run a summit on what sort of Australia I want in 2020.

Despite being elected on the platform of Fresh Ideas I must admit, like my most of my promises, I have no real idea.

Any way I’m getting 1000 people you wouldn’t want within 100 kilometres of your dinner party to come to Canberra and worship me. The 1000 will be Australia’s biggest loud mouths and smartarses, my kind of people.

They don’t have to have achieved anything as long as they can talk things up.

My front bench will run everything under clear direction from me. We need lots of talk, lots of talk about Australian Working Families, talk about how bad Workchoices is, talk about the Education Revolution currently sweeping Australia and lots of talk about how broadband will save Australia.

I need the 1000 smartarses basically to tell me my simplistic sound-bites are visionary.
At the end I can stand in front of my peers, 1000 of Australia’s most obnoxious know-alls and tell them what great Australian’s we are and how visionary we all are. I may even publish another book to celebrate the summit with my beaming smile on the front, after all, it’s all about the spin

If I don’t get Australian of the Year over this I’d be amazed.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

My first 100 days...and ain't I wonderful

To celebrate my first 100 days I've taken the liberty of pulping 10,000 of Tasmania's finest old growth trees and imported the world's finest inks to produce the most self-indulgent publication released since my last self-indulgent publication, the first "100 days" being Ruddrless.

What have I achieved, well where do I start?

I've travelled more air miles than every other previous Australian PM put together – adding more carbon to the environment than a Kim Beasley methane attack after a month on the Baked beans.

I've overseen the local Stock Markets crashing wiping a years value off the market and my old mate and fellow Queenslander Eddy Groves has just about lost his business along with Centro and Allco.

The Inflation genie is out of the bottle, parents are continuing to desert the State Labor school system and the long standing State Labor governments want billions to fix the very Hospital's they stuffed up and can't fix and not one kid has a laptop.

And what have I done – gone to Bali and achieved nothing, told Ross Garnaut he's got the wrong answer on climate change, said "Sorry" to the stolen generation - I'll cover the rest of you at the next Election, held a hundred press conferences and spun more lines than oversexed twenty year old in a nightclub.

......and I've only just begun, Australia you've got another 1000 days to go!