Thursday, April 30, 2009

My answer to Pig Flu!

Just wash your hands of it and it should go away.

Hey it worked for the Asylum Seekers and Joel Fitzgibbon!

Friday, April 24, 2009

It's clear my stimulus packages are having an impact

The IMF forecasts my stimulus packages will drive Unemployment in Australia over 7% and Digital TV penetration to over 95%

I'm proud that Australia is leading both the UK and USA in unemployment growth in the past 3 months and with my current plans biting we'll see Australia give away it's headstart and overtake these two giants shortly.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Don't mention Asylum seekers

Whilst I’m on the difficult topic of Asylum Seeker did I mention the recession?
You’d hardly expected me to come clean quickly on what happened on that boat – I’m clearly the last person to work out Australia’s in recession and even then I’m speculating.

If it gets Asylum Seekers off the front page then I’ll say anything.

I was quick to condemn that smarty pants Premier in WA with his wild speculation about petrol being spilled on the boat. How dare he know the answer to this national security issue a week before me! Kevin is Australia’s smartest man – it’s all wild dangerous, speculation. How dare anyone speculate on this sensitive matter before the coroner’s inquest.

It didn’t stop me speculating it was people smugglers and the global meltdown, not my relaxing of refugee laws, that was to blame for this incident.

Anyway, people smugglers are now on Kevin’s axis of evil joining Peter Costello, RAAF flight attendants, Belinda Neal, neo liberals, CEOs, false gods and banks.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

At least my stimulus package is stimulating my popularity

I’ve got all the answers to this global recession. You notice I now can’t stop using the word recession, I quite like it in its new global context. I'm beginning to love this recession, an excuse for anything. It's even funded my failed Education Revolution.

My targeted spending of tax-payers money on current and potential ALP voters in the form of handouts to splash on booze, escorts, pokies or new TV’s has really hit the mark.

I don’t judge its impact on unemployment figures, but my popularity. 74%, come on the handouts couldn’t be more targeted!

Anyway I’ve got the ultimate line. If I hadn’t spent the money things would be worse. Unemployment would have gone up to 7%, Parramatta would have lost to the Dragons by 30 points, Collingwood would have lost to Geelong by 90 points and South Africa would have beaten Australia by 60 runs.....but I’d still have 74% popularity.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Beware of worshipping a False God

With 74% popularity, 25 points ahead of Jesus and 42 points clear of Allah I would have to say my popularity is god like.
The perfect Christian, I even saved a fellow parishioner’s life recently – personally carrying this man ten kilometers to hospital after his collapse. I’m well known in public life as a man of humility, quietly spoken and even tempered. Have you ever seen me on morning T.V., my humble close “good to be with you” signed off with a cheesy grin.

I’m an Economic Conservative, I said so 50 times with Julia during the election and a man of the people. I hate corporate greed and wealthy CEO’s ripping us poor people off.

I don’t know where these horrible lies about me come from? Attending a strip club while drunk, bullying a flight attendant, working my staff like dogs and then attacking them publically when they complain, preaching a new socialism while living a multi millionaire’s lifestyle, prone to foul mouthed outbursts, promising false hope – Petrol Commissioner to reduce prices, Grocery Watch to reduce prices, 2020 Summit to fix everything...

As I said recently, "...worshipped as a god and we know now that god was false”. I went on damning those who put their egos and power ahead of all others “...the unrestrained pursuit of self-interest was not only morally legitimate but, equally, was to be morally encouraged."

Friday, April 3, 2009

Give me a global stimulus package, but don’t give me meat

I apologise unreservedly, after the event, for my latest bout of air rage. It’s tough for me being the only perfect being on the planet – everyone comes up short.

That trumped up waitress should have known better. Serving the World’s Number One mover & shaker, the White Obama, meat! She won’t do it again.

She’d be pouring Latte's at Donut King if I had my way.

Wasn’t I great at the G20! All that footage of me waving and pointing at Barack. It’s a little game we play now, started at the White House. I say “Hey Barack isn’t that Bin Laden over there” pointing into space. Barack goes “look Kevin, there’s Mark Latham”. We’re becoming great mates.

Did you see me hugging Lula from Brazil, real man love there. He can’t speak a word of English, thought I was the Chinese Premier...”not yet old mate”, I said.

Gordy, my mate Gordon Brown, keeps telling anyone who’ll listen how wonderful I am. Right back at ya Gordy! If I didn’t have Therese you know I’d be torn between Barack and Gordy.

Things are going well. 19 new friends who’ll listen to every word I say. Last time that happened was my grade 1 Birthday speech at Nambour Primary. I had 19 enemies when I finished an hour later.

I said to Therese I’m thinking of inviting the G20 for Christmas, as long as the press come.