Tuesday, December 16, 2008

What did you expect from the guy who gave us Grocery Watch?

My answer to reducing Grocery prices was to post a website no one could understand.

I solved generations of Aboriginal problems by simply saying Sorry.

I promised an Education Revolution and gave out half the laptops I promised at twice the cost.

I reduced Petrol prices by appointing a Commissioner - who resigned!

I promised to save the Whale and ended up saving my relationship with the Japanese PM.

I had a 2020 summit and have given it 20 minutes thought in the past 20 months......

So what did you expect from a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme promised by a PM who talked tough about the Environment and said he'd personally get China and India to sign up to binding targets?

Exactly the rubbish we got.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm having a whale of a time big noting myself!

I made much of anti whaling talk prior to the election. Talk of International Court prosecutions and sending the military down to sort Japanese whalers out.

Peter Garrett got a bit carried away again, "You don't have to harpoon them to find out important scientific information about them,""It's cruel, it's barbaric and it's unnecessary."

He added: "Fifteen minutes of agonising death at the hands of a harpooner is no way to treat these beautiful and regal creatures."

I wasn't elected to actually do anything was I? Anyway after weeks of Japanese whaling and Garrett and the bloody media carrying on I sent a non military option down to monitor the Japanese. A few home movies and a nice piece on Sunrise.

Upon finally going to Japan I understood that whaling was merely a disagreement amoungst friends!

Roll on 2008 Whaling season and we have to give up. No monitoring, No support of those wanting to stop it, No upsetting our good mates Japan! I'm a man of the globe and I love those little Japanese - they have big voting rights at the UN.

It was good enough to get us elected but not worth ruining my chance to be UN Secretary General.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

George, Hu, Barak and John rang again last night!

As I said today it’s gonna be ugly, tough and hard running Australia and spending the surplus built up over 12 years in 12 months, but I’m the man. So much so that my phone runs hot now with a range of World Leaders and would be World Leaders seeking my counsel.

Take last night, I was sitting down to watch re-runs of Quantum at 11pm and the phone rang. It was George again. George rings me constantly asking a series of questions that only I can answer. What’s the G20 Kevin? What’s a depression? How many cents in a dollar Kevin? What’s my password to the global missile system? I answered George, rang The Australian to fill them in and sat down to watch Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Hu. We spoke as equals in Mandarin, did I tell you I speak Mandarin? Hu was worried about the Global Crisis, his sales of Melamine are down 80%. “Don’t worry HU” I said, “I’ve told George what to do, it’s under control”. Hu thanked me, I rang The Australian and briefed them and resumed Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Barak. Barak was wanting my counsel on the global crisis. “I’m on my way over Barak”, I told him. “I’ve spoken with George and Hu – did you know I speak Mandarin?” I rang The Australian and sat down again.

I had got ten minutes of Quantum and the phone rang again. It was John McCain. “Kevin I need a killer policy to win the election, what should I do?

“John hit them with an Education Revolution, High Speed Broadband and say you're there for Working families. Build on the Joe the plumber thing”. I hung up and rang The Australian.

Australia you really did the World a favour electing me, John Howard would have slept through all that.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I love the smell of socialism in the morning

Can you believe it, I make a firm decision and my rating soars.

I've spent my inheritance in one day. The Economic conservative stuff was never really me. It got us elected but deep down Julia, Swanny and I always had our fingers crossed.

We were like a bunch of drunken socialists throwing money around after finding the safe unlocked.

The next step for us Economic Conservatives is to socialise the banking system, ban executive bonuses and bring on the socialist state.

I'm a naughty comrade.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Frankly my Chief of Staff had to go

They can call me Kevin 24/7 or Kevin 747, it's still better than what they called me at school.

Anyway my Chief of Staff must be there to support the World's Greatest deal maker, it's Carbon Crusader, Global Financial Reformer and Pre eminant Mandarin Speaking Politician.
Frankly David Epstein wasn't there.

I'd been on the phone to George Bush, he put me hold for an hour, and Gordon Brown, he put me hold for 2 hours, telling them how to solve the Global Financial Crisis. It was about 3.45am when Gordon finally hung up, I tried to call Ban Ki Moon, not in his staff said - President Sarkozy, wrong number a lovely french woman said. It was too early for Helen Clark or one of the Pacific Island types and an appearance on Sunrise or Today was still 3 hours away, so I thought I'd like a coffee.

I rang InEpstein several times - his cell phone, his blackberry and his home phone. Who does he think he is not to take my call - a World leader?

I got Therese out of bed to drive me over to his home and banged on the door until he answered.
"You're fired...and you make lousy coffee anyway" I screamed in my very private "treat the staff badly" voice and the rest is history.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

My UN speech a hit

For months they'd heard I was coming, the next UN Secretary General. The only man who could fix the world......and didn't they turn up!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I think I may have solved the crisis

I've spoken to all the key figures in New York and between us I think I've solved the Financial crisis.

I believe my plea for a quick resolution to the stand off over the bailout package at my press conference after meeting the Naked Cowboy has convinced Congress to sort this out.

UN Secretary General Rudd, has a nice ring to it!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I'm off to NY to save the World's financial markets

I love NY, most of all the United Nations Building and my old stomping ground Scores strip Club.

I've been criticised for leaving this bankrupt backwater and heading off to the US, but as I learned the hard way, if the world's in crisis then they need me there!

I still blame myself for the failure to get resolution at the recent Doha WTO talks, I wasn't there and it failed.

I personally believe I'm the only man on the plant who can solve this crisis, I'll be revealing details of "BANKWATCH" when I arrive in NY.

This is round 2 of my eventual move to become UN Secretary General and effectively run the world, solve the world's financial crisis, solve global warming and it's mine.
I grew up with picture of Kurt Waldhiem over my bed and won a Javier Pérez de Cuéllar look-a-like competition at the Beijing Embassy Christmas Party in 1985. As a boy I dreamed of running the world - looks like nothing's going to stop me now!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I take full responsibility .....but it is their fault

I’ve repeatedly said to Australian Working Families I take full responsibility for the economy, the good news and the bad news. That is what my Leadership is all about.

But until some good news finally arrives I am just going to have to keep blaming the Liberals. That’s also what my Leadership is all about.

It’s been difficult for me rebuilding the poverty stricken country I inherited. I feel for Morgan Tsvangirai.

I’ve had to deal with the Inflation Genie, Savage Budget Cuts, Decisive Schemes like Fuel Watch and Grocery Watch, my Mille Vanilli Education Revolution, my tax led fix of binge drinking and my carbon reduction, but not drought breaking, scheme. Boy have I been talking a good talk!

As my dear old mum said, “Kevin, words speak louder than actions when you’re incapable of action”. You know, she was right.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Viva the Education Revolution

This week I announced the cornerstone of my election policy "The Education Revolution", previously known as Liberal Policy!

I have to confess my love of the works of the great Education Revolutionary John Winston Howard.

Viva the Revolution!

Monday, August 11, 2008

I like Chinese

My trip to Beijing was critical. I got some excellent photo ops with my Aussie athletes, trotted out my command of Mandarin, met my old friend George W, but most of all cemented my position as the World's pre eminent Mandarin Speaking Politician with my beloved Chinese constituency.

My old mate Hu did the honours in opening the games, I nodded away as he let fly in Mandarin, surrounded by various dignitaries. I provided real time translation - built an instant bridge between the world and China.

I sense my star is rising in China. The Chinese President now answers my phone calls with Hu not Who and I was given the rock star treatment in Beijing being mobbed by the crowds. They all wanted to sell me watches, but I know they recognise me.

By the time I'm finished with Australia I'll be torn , the first democratic leader of China or UN Secretary General? Either way the world will be a better place.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Watch Grocery Prices tumble

Hang on Australia, your Red Spot specials start now!

My Grocery inquiry has shown what I suspected all along. I did deceive Australian Working Families into voting for me on the false assumption I could reduce Grocery prices.

After the success of Fuel Watch and the Petrol Cop, here comes Grocery Watch. If you don't think that won't reduce Grocery prices then try Unit Pricing!

Unit pricing will be compulsory even though everyone has already said they'll do it. You'll now know all the hidden secrets of those tricky retailers.

A Variety Pack of Chips is more expensive per gram than a 2 kg bag of chips. Thank you Unit pricing. Thank you Kevin Rudd!

So buy the kids 2kgs for their lunchboxes, add to the obesity crisis....but do it with the knowledge you've saved money. (per gram anyway!)

Don't thank me now - wait until the next election!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

If only they'd invited me to the Doha talks

"I last night was ... until about 2am this morning on the phone to various people in Geneva, on the phone to Prime Minister Gordon Brown and others about how this could be rescued. It didn't work. I am deeply disappointed."

The DOHA round of the WTO talks failed and I blame myself. I feel the pain Superman felt when he wasn't there for Lois Lane.

I've instructed the WTO to never have another meeting without me, I think they got the message

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Patrick Walker - A Great Australian

I'll miss Patrick Walker - not only did he look like my dorky older brother, but I now have no one to sack when Petrol prices hit $2 per litre and Fuel Watch becomes a farce.

I think Patrick did an excellent job in watching the unprecedented increase in fuel prices, he was part of history. I knew I could ring him any time of day and he'd direct my Prius to where the cheapest fuel could be found - without fail.

Patrick's day was unprecedented in government - a 24 hour on the job role. He'd sit up all night monitoring the UK, then US oil price. In daylight he'd watch the Singapore price fluctuations. Then Patrick would watch the price of fuel by suburb, by site, by fuel type. Then he'd do it all over again.

That boy knew his Premium unleaded from his Diesel like no other.

You know, it's my dream job. All that watching and so little action, an occasional tough statement not supported by any action.

I'm gonna miss you Pat.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I'm Trading Carbon no matter what

I don't care what everyone else is doing. I don't even care if Global Warming is real. I'm trading carbon not matter what, because it's my one chance of getting re-elected.

Given I've not managed to save the whales, reduce petrol and grocery prices, decrease Interest Rates or kickstart an Education Skirmish, let alone a Revolution I guess soundbites, t-shirts and a slogan can only get you so far.
All I've got for the next election is Global Warming....and I'm praying it doesn't rain until the day after Election Day.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Pope told me.....he was honoured to meet me

My new mate Ben. I've got the pictures of me "showing him the way" right next to me saluting George W and the G8 group shot.
He even pinched my apology.
If anyone ever doubted my status, they can doubt no longer. I know everyone who's anyone - but most of all they can say they know me!
I thought my World Youth Day performance played brilliantly to the Religous vote. Therese said I had a Holy presence - outshone the Pope and his bad Sigfried impersonation.
He may be able to speak 5 languages but he can't speak Mandarin!
Anyway I asked the big guy to pray that Australian's forget all that talk of lower grocery and oil prices and the one computer per child stuff.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

My 360 seconds of fame!

6 minutes, or 360 seconds in front of 8 of the World's most powerful people at the G8! Weren't they lucky.

Ironic isn't it, I jump on an old airforce jet spewing carbon over the Pacific as I head to Japan to speak for 360 seconds on the urgency of Climate Change?

Anyway, as the World's self proclaimed pre-eminent Mandarin Speaking Politician I had the stage I wanted and I lectured to those 8 leaders as if they were backbenchers from the Central Coast.

Why not have a Global Petrol Commissioner? Why not make Fuel Watch global? These hard decisions cost me the Gippsland by-election but I firmly believe the world will be better for them.

Ban Ki-moon rang the bell as I got started on Grocery prices, my friend George missed it all as he'd raced to the men's room. I had no idea Japanese PM Fukuda spoke English as he took his earpiece out.

I think it went well, my proposal for a RUDD9 economic group got a great reaction.

Another problem solved thanks to K-RUDD, surely a Nobel prize is on the radar.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Now Garnaut needs to decide how to Trade Belinda Neal

It's got me concerned but now I'll get Ross Garnaut to work out how we trade Belinda Neal.

Iraq needs new governors, we need a new High Commissioner to Iran, Afghanistan needs female politicians and the London Zoo needs more iguanas!

We'll take any offer, maybe the Democrats won't be lost to Federal Parliament after all.

The Murray Darling - I'm looking in to it!

Our historic intention to have an agreement on the Murray Darling, following our historic agreement to think about having an agreement at the previous COAG and is truly ground breaking, signaling an end to the blame game.

I personally believe Politicians and Public Servants make our world go around, so my solution to every problem is to appoint someone to look at it.

I really grappled with which way to go on this one. A Murray Darling Commissioner, my Petrol Commissioner has been such a success maybe I could have popped someone on the banks of the Murray to ponder its flows.

Maybe a Murray Darling Parliament, in the image of my Asian Union, it could govern the river bringing together a group of third world hack politicians John Brumby, Morris Iemma and co. No!
What about a Ministry for the Murray, Belinda Neal as the new minister?
She’d demand unlimited access for her houseboat, use all the water on her garden and with Della not let anyone else use the river.

An Authority – why not!

Let’s get a group of Public Servants together to run the Murray, the Murray Darling Basin Authority. We’ll take our time getting hold of the right crew as they’ve got so many jobs offers at present.

Another critical issue solved.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Mr Tough Guy upsets Gippsland - bad luck

It was simple, the people of Gippsland were reacting to my tough decisions since being elected and they voted for the Nationals.

Well I've got news for the people of Gippsland - there'll be more!

My tough stance with Japan on whaling resulting in me forgiving them and throwing millions of taxpayer dollars at their car Industry, my tough Greenhouse stance in getting rid of the Government Statesman for an Imported Prius, my tough stance on big Oil by appointing a Petrol Commissioner who's squeezed them to record bowser prices and now my Grocery Inquiry which has shocked Supermarkets into selling at ever increasing prices - well call me brutal, but I ain't stopping.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Japan I'm finally here to help you!

Well I’m off again. This time its Japan and Indonesia receiving a dose of Rudd. I honestly believe that my mandate is to help civilise the world as well as to rebuild Australia.

What’s my answer to soaring petrol prices and angst over carbon emissions and trading? Jump on a fuel guzzling, carbon emitting jet and sweep across the region. The hypocrisy has become part of me, I think it’s defined my reign to date.

If I can help my Asian mates fix their countries prior to them joining me in the AU in 2020 then all the better for us as citizens of Austasia and for me as its 2020 President. I’ll only take the role if I’m not UN Secretary General. I expect it will be a difficult choice but I may even do both.

You know I recently described myself as the World’s Pre-eminent Mandarin Speaking Politician. ‘What about President HU?’ they said. Frankly I rate myself higher than HU. Hu would never have defeated John Howard in the last election and I honestly doubt he’d have even assumed the Leadership of the ALP.

I must also express my disappointment at Australia’s best and brightest. The 2020 Summit failed to come up with the AU concept and missed FuelWatch.

I’m already questioning the Summit’s recommendations apart from their endorsement of my Super Child Care centres. I said to Therese I may have to lock away a weekend soon and have my own 2020 Summit. I’m sure the world will be the better for it.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

How fickle you all are

What have I done to deserve this? You’d think I’d misled Australia, took populist positions to win favour with everyone, been gushy and insincere and said anything to win favour with the cool crowd.

How quickly you all turn, you’re the shallow insincere ones not me. People get over it.
Therese tucked a very upset PM into bed with a hot Milo last night. I listened to a bit of John Denver on my Sony Walkman and drifted off for my three hours of sleep.

First the Public Service turn on me for making them work 18 hour days – what else is there to do in Canberra? Cate writes me a note having a crack at me over the teen porn pics. I personally think the dogs playing pool is my favourite piece of modern art and believe this is the sort of art we as a nation should be producing more of. I told Cate so.

Then my beloved Australian Working Families turn on me in the latest opinion poll. What’s their problem? I couldn’t have said more about them in the past 6 months. 15,385 mentions at last count!

Finally, and the one that really hurts, the U.S. government of my best friend George W has a go about my Iraq war comments. Why can’t they move on and rewrite history like I did on this.

It’s the world’s fault, at least Julia, Peter and Swanny still love me. I'll keep an eye on Julia just in case though!

Friday, May 30, 2008

What a weak ........

All I can say is, "You got me!" But it took you 18 months.

That talk about Grocery & Petrol prices and Australian Working Families, all those photo opportunities at kitchen tables, all those concerned grimaces – I had my fingers crossed all along.

As I said today on ABC Radio, I actually conceded once during the election when finally nailed in an interview that I was full of hot air, so did Swanny. That didn't of course stop me going to another kitchen table, having another press conference and berating John Howard about Petrol and Grocery prices again. I even continued rabbiting on about my Petrol Commissioner.

It's all your fault if you thought I was going to reduce prices – you should been listening to the ABC in August last year.

I even contradicted myself on radio this morning admitting that after all my hype about a Petrol Cop on the beat I couldn't actually reduce Fuel prices, yet I've constantly said the my petrol Cop will reduce prices.

Call me flexible rather than hypocritical, cynical and disingenuous. Read the fine print people.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

My Scores lesson, 'Look but don't touch' is now policy

“Look but don’t touch four eyes” the bouncer yelled pointing at the sign.

I first learned about the ‘LOOK but don't touch’ philosophy when I was in New York. Scores had the sign hanging above the lap dancer as I lapsed into a coma after an alcopop induced binge
session. For the record I can’t remember anything else.

I’ve taken the learning of Scores into Government.

Look but don’t touch – Petrol prices, Grocery prices, Housing affordability and anything else. Inquiries, Commissioners you name it. I’ll look at everything but do nothing.

The other learning about convenient memory loss and blaming everyone else of course were well established in Opposition.

Friday, May 23, 2008

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

Well, I admit some of you may have voted for me thinking I was going to reduce Oil, Grocery and House prices but you should have read the fine print. You can’t hold me accountable!

What more can I do, honestly? I’ve appointed a Commissioner to look at petrol prices and an Inquiry to look at Food prices. I’m hoping my encouragement of interest rate increases and our policy of driving up unemployment will stitch up housing prices, if it doesn’t I’ll look into it.

My actual promise buried in the bravado and rhetoric was to LOOK at prices.

I’ve looked and there’s nothing I can do.

It was clearly John Howard’s fault that the global economy drove up petrol and food prices. Now of course it’s become a global issue, not mine.

I said the blame game was over, another promise you needed to read the fine print on. I’ll continue to blame John Howard and the Global Economy, not my mates in the states!

Anyway I’ve only been in charge for 6 months and despite saying on March 4th I’ll take full responsibility for the economy, read the fine print, I was only joking. It’s my wacky sense of humour surfacing again!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Don’t touch my Alcopops

Dr. Nelson’s decision to oppose my brave initiative to reduce binge drinking has me flabbergasted.

He’s a Doctor, surely he knows that increasing tax on Alcopops will immediately stop kids getting horribly drunk and solve the binge drinking problem in Australia. In a sea of tokenism it’s been my greatest policy announcement.

Didn’t Doctor Nelson see the impact tax hikes had on reducing smoking and lung cancer when they were first introduced!
I’m planning to prevent childhood obesity next week by taxing Wonka Bars and Adult Obesity the week after by taxing Krispy Kream donuts.

C’mon Doctor, get your head around the health benefits of my tax policies.

Monday, May 12, 2008

ALP announces 'Tree of Knowledge' and 'Know all' cloned

The ALP has announced today that following the successful cloning of the Tree of Knowledge, its self proclaimed replacement Kevin Rudd, has also been successfully cloned.

"A great day for Australia, we now have generations of ALP Rudds to continue my legacy in due season" said a proud Mr Rudd.

"Ringbark the tree, the people love me" he announced holding the 5 Rudd embryos being implanted at the Queensland DPI.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

What’s an Australian Working Family look like?

I’ve spun myself into a lather with all my talk of Australian Working Families (AWF’s). But bugger me I have no idea who they are?

The Lemmings are all following Rudd’s Law and keep referring to AWF’s to justify everything we do.
But I think it’s time I finally defined who AWF’s are?

Here’s my current definition of Australian Working Families.

  • They aren’t gay

  • They aren’t families who work, if they make more money than others

  • They aren't Carers or Pensioners and may not even be a family

  • They don’t drive expensive European cars

  • They could be a family with kids, but they may not be

  • They may speak Mandarin - hopefully

  • They can afford big mortgages, but not groceries or petrol

  • They may be hurt by petrol prices because they’re driving a big luxury car

  • They’re hopefully Union Members

  • They don't drink alco pops

  • They can be pregnant and work, but not be pregnant and work and be wealthy

  • Sometimes they may not even work

  • They don't use Solar panels on their homes

    There it’s clear, and I have a mandate to protect these people come hell or high water and in due season.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

To be like me

My Transformation of Australia into the World according to Rudd takes another stride at this year’s Budget.

As I keep telling my colleagues, Australia elected Kevin07, not the ALP. Australia fell in love with her future image when she voted for me and I intend transforming her into that very image. The USA has had John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, Australia will have Kevin.

I’m the aspirational beacon for Australia’s youth and I’m groovy and on the web.

My policies reflect my moulding of Australia into a country that will reflect my personal values, experiences and inadequacies.

I have been disappointed in the Australia I've seen so far. If the Summit had our best and brightest then I think I'll have the next Summit in my office. Now it looks like I’m going to have to micro-manage the daily lives of Australian’s – dictating their alcohol intake and choices, how they spend their money – even withholding their pensions if they’re naughty and dictating all their choices in education.

Stay tuned to Swanny doing his best Kevin07 impersonation – see if you can spot my hand up his back!

As I’ve always said the World will be a better place when everyone’s finally like me.

Monday, May 5, 2008

What the World needs now is Rudd, Sweet Rudd!

I often wonder if I’m really a Labor man. I can’t stand Trade Unionists, smelly, grubby and uneducated. You know I’ve never met one of them who can speak Mandarin or has ever heard of Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

I only ever entered politics for the power trip and an audience. With my superior intellect I figured I’d have more chance of leading the Labor Party than any other.

What’s happened in NSW only confirms my view of the Labor Party. It’s full of morons, too primitive to engage in the reality of today. Hanging on to their outdated Socialist ideals, using bullying and intimidation as their tools of trade and trying to run the policies of the Party they control financially.

Wake up boys, the Tree of Knowledge has been replaced by KEVIN07.

I’m way too smart for these Working Family types! Unfortunately they also vote. You tell them what they want to hear, give them a sympathetic ear. I feel your pain - but not your hand. Paint a false dawn for them, take their money and their brightest Union Leaders (an oxymoron, I know) and then do what you want.

Who really believes that rubbish they trumpet?

The Labor Party would be a much better place if it didn’t have Labor members.

Anyway it’s all about me now. The punters voted for a visionary, a man who walks both sides of every issue, a man not frighten to say he wasn’t briefed on that tough issue or to rationalise a backflip. In fact, one of the most flexible Politicians in the free World. A Leader already hailed in Times Top 100 Most Influential. KEVIN07! And all I had to do was say Sorry! I think that will be my Mantra – Sorry.

Sorry I don’t know about that! Sorry I can’t comment! Sorry, my staff got it wrong! Sorry, I feel your pain! Sorry, I’ll personally fix that! Sorry, it was the previous governments fault!

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Elmer Rudd Global Warrior - Now for my prosecution of Ahmadinejad

I'm generally hoping most Australian's will forget my Election promises and spin. You'll say anything when you're courting someone - I actually recall telling Therese her clothes were understated in our early days.

As I've now transformed into Elmer Rudd, global Warrior - it's time I hunted down Iranian Bad boy President Ahmadinejad as per my ill considered pre election bravado.

With my new best friend George W by my side it's time we dragged the bad boy of the Middle East in to do hard time at Long Bay.

Oh Goody, another long distance flight.

My War on Alcopops

Shhhhhhhh, be vewwwy, vewwwy quiet; I'm hunting bwinge dwinkers, heheheheheheh

I know Australia was unsure if I had it in me. Mr. Popularity, they said, couldn’t make a hard decision they said – well I showed them again.

I acted swiftly and decisively and have again rescued Australia from the brink.
My tax increase on Alcopops came from the same place as a Barry Hall haymaker. No one saw it coming.
Poor Therese had to race the Prius down to Dan Murphy’s in her bright red, satin dressing gown and clear out all their remaining Pineapple Breezers late on Saturday night.

My personal experience of binge drinking is hazy, I didn’t touch the girls, but surely this swift move has brought an unsavoury chapter of Australian teen life to an end.

I’ve transformed from Kevin 07 -shallow populist to Elmer Rudd – hunter and man of steel.
I’m hunting Alco pops.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

My next apology......to the Tasmanian Tiger

Based on the overwhelming success of my apology to the Stolen Generation my PR Team have another major event planned.

I'm using the first day of sitting in the new parliamentary session to apologise to the Tasmanian Tiger, 75 years after the last Thylacine was captured.

Research says this will broaden my appeal across animal lovers, a key demographic for my new Labor. It will be a heartfelt apology on behalf of all Australians and Tasmanians and should be a real tear jerker.

To commemorate the apology I'm painting stripes over my dog Abigail's rear end and expect all school students to follow suit with their pets.

Brendan Nelson will be invited to respond as I personally hold John Howard responsible for the extinction of the Thylacine it should be another tough one for the Liberals.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

It's Year Zero and Kevin is saving the World

I am officially naming this year, Zero, the first year of the reign of Rudd.

My 2020 confirmation Summit highlighted that Australia didn't exist prior to the Summit.

We have had a brutal totalitarian regime in place, our economy did not exist, our form of government was primitive, our taxation system archaic, our leadership non existent, our education system destroyed Australia's young, didn't provide apples and did not recognise our Asian roots.

I have changed all this, just read my press releases.

I now officially declare the New Australia under Rudd...welcome to Year Zero.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Summit confirms my brilliance

I threw open the windows to let in a bit of fresh air, urged everyone to take hold of the future, to seize the day with our fundamental value of an irreducible human dignity.

As usual I undersold the Summit, didn't want to raise expectations.

So what did I get from my handpicked group of left leaning superior beings?

They overwhelmingly voted to support ALP policy and get us a Republic! In fact the 100 people in the Governance group voted 98-2 in favour of a republic. What an endorsement.
98% of less than 0.0005% of the population has officially endorsed ALP policy. Now that's the sort of break through idea I wanted.

I also got my childcare super centre endorsed, it's my new idea but I'm happy the UK and Victoria have already implemented it. It was part of another brilliant revelation reinforced by my echo Julia. Kids need education to develop their brains.....Unbelievable, if it wasn't for the Summit that would never have come out!

Other significant ideas were that everyone should be like Kevin and speak Mandarin.

It delivered more than I could have hoped for and reinforced that I am in fact the man most suited to be leading the Republic of Australia in 2020 as its President and Supreme Commander.

That got 100% endorsement from my Summiteers.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

2020 Summit a Celebration of Rudd

The 2020 Summit will be Australia's official celebration of our great Leader Kevin.

Official ceremonies giving thanks to Kevin and the Summit's ratification of his ideas as being the greatest ideas ever, will be held through out the weekend.

Kevin the great leader has themed the Summit "When we want a great idea - I'll give you one" and has personally selected every delegate and planted every topic.

"It's modelled on the National People's Congress in my beloved China" Kevin told his followers.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

George W....there’s something in the way he moves

Apologies to George Harrison

Something in the way he moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way he woos me
I don't want to leave him now
You know I believe and how

The words of George Harrison rang in my ears as I stood on the floor of the NATO meeting.

I was new, no one knew me. I was lost and confused. No microphone in my face, no audience wanting me, none of my close friends at hand.
And then I spotted him. Initially out of the corner of my eye. It was his aura that first caught my eye. I knew that aura. It was recently familiar. My heart started pounding, my underpants tightened, my hands began to sweat, my eyes glazed over. It was him!

I intuitively saluted, he was my master, my superior. I had to show him respect. He smiled at my subordinance, I was like a submissive dog ready to roll onto my back for him.
I danced across the floor to be with him again.

God I love George W Bush and I don't care who knows!.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I met my friend Hillary today

I met Hillary today. Aren’t I clever!

I gave Hillary advice on how she could become President of the USA, Leader of the Free World and manage China, because my other new best friend, George (Bush) said I’m a China expert.

I talked for 40 minutes, Hillary said hello and goodbye.

We got on like a house on fire, Hillary is offically one my new best friends, just like Russell (Crowe), Cate (Blanchette), Kirk (Douglas) George (Bush) and Nicole (Kidman).

I think I’ll invite her to my 2020 Summit.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I've ended the blame game...we all agreed to blame Howard

I chaired the ALP National Conference, now renamed COAG, today and did what Labor does best - flush billions of Tax Paying Australian Working Family’s hard earned dollars down the river.

Nothing like a few billion dollars of tax payers money handed over to my Labor buddies who are running their states brilliantly, a great photo opp and everyone singing my praises, including me!

As promised I’ve ended the blame game! We all agreed to blame Howard.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Does anyone want some Duty Free?

I’m off again, this time Europe and Asia will get the benefit of my experience as a World Leader.

I’ll show them how my Education Revolution has transformed Australia. Share with these people how my Petrol Commissioner has overseen record low Fuel prices. Entice them with my War on Inflation that has seen Interest rates tumble and housing affordability open up to the masses.
Most of all I want to show my Environmental credentials with my war on plastic shopping bags.

The trip should make for some great photo opps, I’ll trot out the Mandarin again, I’ll position myself as the next UN Secretary General and I’ll add tonnes of carbon to the Environment.

Sure I’m a bare faced hypocrite, just like my old mate Peter Beattie, but you know I’m more popular than childhood obesity!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I think I handled the Carers well?

We need a tough budget - I'm even bringing our troops out of Iraq to help fight my 'War on Inflation".

I'm going to rip $10 billion out of this economy with the most viscious cuts you've ever seen.
BUT......I've never been popular. At school Wayne Swan bullied me. Girls laughed at me, hey I even consider myself lucky to have snagged Therese. I went with Elton John glasses after he launched 'Sleeping with the Past'.

I can't believe how much I'm loved. I haven't been this popular since mum covered me in gravy and wrapped me in the lamb's wool seat covers when the Dog was on heat.
I want to be tough but I want to stay loved. My new best friends are Jackie Chan, Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and Cate Blanchett. Last year I was lucky to hang out with Sharan Burrow, Julia Gillard and Robert Ray.

I guess no one will notice if I talk tough and do nothing. Afterall that was my electoral platform.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

My 2008 Smartarse Summit

I am assembling Australia’s best and brightest men, Cate Blanchett and other “women” from my Androgynous front bench to run a summit on what sort of Australia I want in 2020.

Despite being elected on the platform of Fresh Ideas I must admit, like my most of my promises, I have no real idea.

Any way I’m getting 1000 people you wouldn’t want within 100 kilometres of your dinner party to come to Canberra and worship me. The 1000 will be Australia’s biggest loud mouths and smartarses, my kind of people.

They don’t have to have achieved anything as long as they can talk things up.

My front bench will run everything under clear direction from me. We need lots of talk, lots of talk about Australian Working Families, talk about how bad Workchoices is, talk about the Education Revolution currently sweeping Australia and lots of talk about how broadband will save Australia.

I need the 1000 smartarses basically to tell me my simplistic sound-bites are visionary.
At the end I can stand in front of my peers, 1000 of Australia’s most obnoxious know-alls and tell them what great Australian’s we are and how visionary we all are. I may even publish another book to celebrate the summit with my beaming smile on the front, after all, it’s all about the spin

If I don’t get Australian of the Year over this I’d be amazed.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

My first 100 days...and ain't I wonderful

To celebrate my first 100 days I've taken the liberty of pulping 10,000 of Tasmania's finest old growth trees and imported the world's finest inks to produce the most self-indulgent publication released since my last self-indulgent publication, the first "100 days" being Ruddrless.

What have I achieved, well where do I start?

I've travelled more air miles than every other previous Australian PM put together – adding more carbon to the environment than a Kim Beasley methane attack after a month on the Baked beans.

I've overseen the local Stock Markets crashing wiping a years value off the market and my old mate and fellow Queenslander Eddy Groves has just about lost his business along with Centro and Allco.

The Inflation genie is out of the bottle, parents are continuing to desert the State Labor school system and the long standing State Labor governments want billions to fix the very Hospital's they stuffed up and can't fix and not one kid has a laptop.

And what have I done – gone to Bali and achieved nothing, told Ross Garnaut he's got the wrong answer on climate change, said "Sorry" to the stolen generation - I'll cover the rest of you at the next Election, held a hundred press conferences and spun more lines than oversexed twenty year old in a nightclub.

......and I've only just begun, Australia you've got another 1000 days to go!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Jobs for the boys, my twin brother petrol Commissioner

Patrick Walker aka Pat Rudd is our new Petrol Commissioner. Pat and I were reunited by our local church after Pat's family commented on his unfortunate resemblance to me during the election.

Pat was part of the Stolen Generation, Children of Eumundi taken away from nerdish families determined to give them balanced, fulfilling lives by the more well rounded citizen's of the Sunshine Coast.

It was great to see genetics took over and his love of Petrol prices meant Pat was my man. Look out Shell and BP, you've now got 2 Rudds to deal with.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Week 1 and I’ve almost saved the World

Well my Sorry speech has finally put the Aboriginal problem to rest. I thought I was brilliant, had the crowd eating out of my palms - haven't had that much audience support since those screaming schoolgirls during the election. Aboriginal relations fixed!

I'm not one for tokenism but I think my wage freeze has put the Inflation genie back in her bottle! Millionaires like me aren't in it for the money, my investments make me all my money. That bunch I've got received an increase after moving from shadow to real portfolios anyway.

Showing Industry an example like that is sure to stop those money grabbing CEO's taking wage increases. Wage inflation fixed!

Finally, my 3 hour visit to Timor to sort out who tried to knock off my best best mate Jose (did I tell you I stayed at his house?) is carbon well spent I say!

I can't trust the word of my commanders and troops on the ground or the UN. No Kelvin's gotta go and fix it himself. I honestly have no idea how the world operated BD (Before Dudd). Timor fixed!

What a week

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Key ALP role - D'Ath to sit behind Rudd

In keeping with getting a young attractive female to sit behind Kevin Rudd , Kate Ellis has been flicked to the Ministry and newcomer Yvette D'Ath has been given the key role.

"Yvette beat a top class field. Her nodding and smiling skills were outstanding..... but her performance in the swimsuit section really sealed victory" said proud Leader Kevin Rudd. "I'm expecting lots of emotion during the Sorry speech, Yvette has been working all week in the mirror."

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Look out here comes half price Vegemite

My Inquiry into Grocery prices should see the price of Vegemite cut in half so Australian Working Families can overdose on it!

It's all so simple - I announce an inquiry, the ACCC investigates and down come the prices, just like the Oil inquiry!

I'll have inflation under control in hours.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Screw the Whales - Save the Japanese

We love our sushi Therese and I and we've found the best Sushi in Canberra already. The Japanese ambassador's wife makes the meanest Sushi this side of Yokahama.

I said I'd lay off the whales if she made me her special sushi. The Ambassador says they're catching the meat now, it comes in very cold and Mrs. Ambassador cooks it just right.

Should be here in a month.Can't for the life of me think what it could be....buffalo maybe!