Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sure I talk to God every morning

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Yes Australia, I do talk to God everyday and I think it helps God get His head in the right space.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Didn't I tell you it was a Horror budget?

I really think Australia has been quite ungrateful when it comes to embracing my recent efforts to spend their great-grandkids inheritance. How quickly you forget who put that new plasma on your TV stand.

The budget was a carefully constructed event. The leaks, the drama, the horror – it was truly great theatre, lost on the average punter clearly! I took you to the edge but gave you a happy ending. Don’t you get it – it’s the Ruddster, no pain all gain! You took me too literally. Hey horror’s a pretty broad term anyway.

My budget was endorsed by the hard working guys and gals at Standard & Poors, they gave Lehman Brothers an A rating before they collapsed, so they really are great guys and gals.

Why the backlash on me anyway? I didn’t read it, just sat there licking my lips staring at Julie Bishop’s thighs and muttering a few here here’s. Why can’t Julia look like Julie? Horror, I’ll give you Horror Australia. Try sitting beside the despatch box with Julia Gillard’s arse in your face, that’s real Horror Australia.

So now I’ve gotta continue the horror theme and run the line we made the tough decisions that cost me in the polls. I take the hit, I made the tough decisions that needed to be made in the national interest, and the national interest is of course to have me as PM.

If this hurts my popularity any more I’m not afraid to make another tough decision and hang Swanny out to dry.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

C'mon Australia - no horrors - don't believe a word I say!

I blame Swanny.

Swanny, I said, " let's scream about a horror budget, make them think we're fiscally responsible. You know that Economic conservative stuff. Tackling the hard issues, paying off debt."

"Frame a budget that holds my approval rating in the 60's."

I get trashed in the polls after attacking wealthy Australia with a feather and making working families work a couple more years before they get a miserable pension.

I think they believed the spin - hey Australia nothing happened - no horror story here!

I'm terrifed about what might happen if I ever have to start paying back this debt. Seems like we're back to square one - no hard decisions for me.

All this looks like another stimulus package before the election.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Don’t worry it’s only temporary

$60 BILLION OF TEMPORARY DEBT, 8.5% OF TEMPORARY UNEMPLOYMENT, A TEMPORARY RECESSION – I fail to see what the issue is. Trust me it’s only temporary!

I’ll temporarily increase taxes, banks will have temporary record interest rates, the recession may temporarily go on a bit longer, maybe some more Working families will temporarily become just good old families. Trust me it’s temporary!

.....and you can all temporarily stay at work longer before retirement.

Seems the only gap we’re closing is that between your retirement and your funeral, but feel good in the knowledge you spent a lifetime helping pay off all those $900 Flat screens.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Introducing the Carbon Pollution Recession Reduction Scam

As I said during the election and again in office as I headed to Bali to sign Kyoto and again at the launch of my CPRS, this is urgent. We have to act now, 2010 may even be too late! I'll accept Garnaut's report I said, he's the expert.

"No sustainable leadership can ignore the elephant in the room of this proportion. To do so would be to threaten the future of our people, our nation, and our planet". Inspiring stuff isn't it!

"Do we reduce our pollution today so our children and grandchildren can experience the same beautiful and bountiful planet that we have inherited?

Or do we wait – knowing our grandchildren may never see the grandeur of the Great Barrier Reef, or experience the wonder of the wetlands at Kakadu". Therese was howling when I read it in bed. The Shakespeare of Climate Change she said.

In December 2008 when I announced the CPRS I had no idea we were having a Global crisis. I'd already sent out a stimulus package, but really that was a bit of fun! This last few months has changed everything.

When you're popularity is almost at an all time high why rock the boat when the record is in sight. The $900 cheques are just hitting, my popularity could hit 90%, be buggered if I'm doing anything to mess with that!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I think my economic conservatism is preventing me spending...

  • $42 Billion stimulus package - $3.9 Billion on insulation / $12 Billion in $900 cash gifts
  • $10.4 Billion stimulus package - $8 Billion in cash handouts
  • $43 Billion broadband - $100 Billion on Defense
  • $50 Billion+ Budget deficit