I'll do it my way!

By taking the "us" out of Caucus and putting the "i" in to Team, I have left no doubt it's my government and my country.

It's Kevin 07 not Labor 07!

Given the group of Union hacks and ABC celebrities that will make up Caucus once I've won, what choice have I got?

I'm also announcing exclusively here my new fiscal policy.

Given inflation will be out of control and the Unions, led by Julia and Greg Combet, will take control of wages again, I'm printing a $1000 note. It's got me on one side and Dietrich Bonhoeffer on the other. I expect it to replace the 5 cent price by my second year in office.

I’m not into shallow, sound-bite, celebrity politicians who lack substance –that’s my territory

I stand right behind Nicole Cornes; because I want her to sit right behind me.

Poor Kate Ellis needs a break from nodding and smiling over my left shoulder every day in Parliament.

Nicole is perfect, she looks great, nods well and smiles at the right time. Perfect for Team Kevin 07. She's even given Julia tips on how to wear make-up, if only we could get her into a nice frock now and then.

Look, how can my all star candidates expect to know policies, that's not their role. With Maxine, The old ABC weather guy and Peter Garrett we'll have more ARIA's and Logies than the Libs. That's what's really important to my party and Australian working families.

As the polls show Spin beats Substance every time.

I'm an Al Gore whore

Sitting in Parliament listening to Bob Beige and Peter Garrett rabbit on about Climate change only confirmed my view that the best place for a Greenie was up your nose.

But Hey, that's all changed now and there's votes in it.

My new best mate is Al Gore, ex Vice President of the USA and movie star. I've added him to my Christmas card list with my other new best friends President Hu and George Bush. Al and I are going to make a series of new movies, "An Inconvenient Truth - About Brian Burke", "An Inconvenient Truth - About Scores" (Rated R) and finally, "An Inconvenient Truth - I have no policies" after the election.

I have more in common with Arnold Schwarzenegger than you think!

1.Arnold and Kevin both had an aortic valve transplant
2. Arnold and Kevin were both drawn to Gymnasiums at an early age – Arnold lifted weights, Kevin was a towel-boy
3. At the age of 15 both men lifted 100 pounds, Arnold with one arm, Kevin in one year.
4. George W Bush thinks Kevin Rudd grew up in the same part of Australia as Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. Arnold almost tore his bicep in an attempt to win Mr. Universe, Kevin while watching Miss Universe
6. Arnold was nicknamed the Austrian Oak, Kevin the Australian Joke
7. Arnold starred in a movie called Total Recall. Kevin starred in a farce called No Recall.
8. In the movie Twins, Arnold's onscreen partner Danny De Vito is the misfit, imbecile result of a failed experiment, Kevin's onscreen partner Julia is the misfit, imbecile result of another failed experiment.

Kevin - "07 seconds worth of substance"

How embarassing, I don't know the tax rates Australian's pay. All I know is Therese pays about $500,000 in personal tax a year and that probably covers half my annual tax payer funded expenses and lifestyle.

If the media want more than a soundbite I need more research time, it's simply not fair to change the game and look for substance from me at this time in the election cycle.

We'll need more skilled people.. because I haven't got any

Yesterday at my election launch, I announced another breathtaking world leading initiative, Skills Australia.

Do you realise we'll need another 240,000 skilled workers, to run all the Commissions, Committees, Conferences and Reviews I'm planning in my first term.

Surely Julia wouldn't knife me?

All this talk about Julia having political ambitions is nonsense. Julia's been fantastic too me, but give me a break, Julia for PM!

Her robotic monologue about Tricky Mr. Howard and poor Australian working families even bores the crap out me. It's enough to drive me to my third drink honestly. I hear she's working on a new sentence to trot out especially for the Election campaign....Australia can't wait Jules!

Seriously, Australia couldn't think that anyone in the Labor Party could actually be PM apart from me. Peter Garrett? Well someone once told me he's a good musician. Wayne Swan? Swanny, Swanny how I love ya, but not that much. He used to bully me at Nambour High. Only made him Treasurer because he used to work on the checkout at Coles – he's the most skilled person on our front bench. Julia, god love her, could put a group of A.D.D. Teenagers on speed to sleep when she gets going. What about Mar'un Ferg'son, that Union bloke. Heard him say it 50 times but still don't know his name. Fair Dinkum, he could talk for a hour and you'd think it was one word.

I do have time for that pretty young thing who nods and smiles behind me in Parliament. Still don't know her name, but at least she's got a full set of teeth.

The rest are fair dinkum Union Hacks and failed School teachers – they'd make great State Premiers of course.

As I keep telling them, it's Rudd or a Dud.