George, Hu, Barak and John rang again last night!

As I said today it’s gonna be ugly, tough and hard running Australia and spending the surplus built up over 12 years in 12 months, but I’m the man. So much so that my phone runs hot now with a range of World Leaders and would be World Leaders seeking my counsel.

Take last night, I was sitting down to watch re-runs of Quantum at 11pm and the phone rang. It was George again. George rings me constantly asking a series of questions that only I can answer. What’s the G20 Kevin? What’s a depression? How many cents in a dollar Kevin? What’s my password to the global missile system? I answered George, rang The Australian to fill them in and sat down to watch Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Hu. We spoke as equals in Mandarin, did I tell you I speak Mandarin? Hu was worried about the Global Crisis, his sales of Melamine are down 80%. “Don’t worry HU” I said, “I’ve told George what to do, it’s under control”. Hu thanked me, I rang The Australian and briefed them and resumed Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Barak. Barak was wanting my counsel on the global crisis. “I’m on my way over Barak”, I told him. “I’ve spoken with George and Hu – did you know I speak Mandarin?” I rang The Australian and sat down again.

I had got ten minutes of Quantum and the phone rang again. It was John McCain. “Kevin I need a killer policy to win the election, what should I do?

“John hit them with an Education Revolution, High Speed Broadband and say you're there for Working families. Build on the Joe the plumber thing”. I hung up and rang The Australian.

Australia you really did the World a favour electing me, John Howard would have slept through all that.

I love the smell of socialism in the morning

Can you believe it, I make a firm decision and my rating soars.

I've spent my inheritance in one day. The Economic conservative stuff was never really me. It got us elected but deep down Julia, Swanny and I always had our fingers crossed.

We were like a bunch of drunken socialists throwing money around after finding the safe unlocked.

The next step for us Economic Conservatives is to socialise the banking system, ban executive bonuses and bring on the socialist state.

I'm a naughty comrade.

Frankly my Chief of Staff had to go

They can call me Kevin 24/7 or Kevin 747, it's still better than what they called me at school.

Anyway my Chief of Staff must be there to support the World's Greatest deal maker, it's Carbon Crusader, Global Financial Reformer and Pre eminant Mandarin Speaking Politician.
Frankly David Epstein wasn't there.

I'd been on the phone to George Bush, he put me hold for an hour, and Gordon Brown, he put me hold for 2 hours, telling them how to solve the Global Financial Crisis. It was about 3.45am when Gordon finally hung up, I tried to call Ban Ki Moon, not in his staff said - President Sarkozy, wrong number a lovely french woman said. It was too early for Helen Clark or one of the Pacific Island types and an appearance on Sunrise or Today was still 3 hours away, so I thought I'd like a coffee.

I rang InEpstein several times - his cell phone, his blackberry and his home phone. Who does he think he is not to take my call - a World leader?

I got Therese out of bed to drive me over to his home and banged on the door until he answered.
"You're fired...and you make lousy coffee anyway" I screamed in my very private "treat the staff badly" voice and the rest is history.

My UN speech a hit

For months they'd heard I was coming, the next UN Secretary General. The only man who could fix the world......and didn't they turn up!

I think I may have solved the crisis

I've spoken to all the key figures in New York and between us I think I've solved the Financial crisis.

I believe my plea for a quick resolution to the stand off over the bailout package at my press conference after meeting the Naked Cowboy has convinced Congress to sort this out.

UN Secretary General Rudd, has a nice ring to it!

I'm off to NY to save the World's financial markets

I love NY, most of all the United Nations Building and my old stomping ground Scores strip Club.

I've been criticised for leaving this bankrupt backwater and heading off to the US, but as I learned the hard way, if the world's in crisis then they need me there!

I still blame myself for the failure to get resolution at the recent Doha WTO talks, I wasn't there and it failed.

I personally believe I'm the only man on the plant who can solve this crisis, I'll be revealing details of "BANKWATCH" when I arrive in NY.

This is round 2 of my eventual move to become UN Secretary General and effectively run the world, solve the world's financial crisis, solve global warming and it's mine.

I grew up with picture of Kurt Waldhiem over my bed and won a Javier Pérez de Cuéllar look-a-like competition at the Beijing Embassy Christmas Party in 1985. As a boy I dreamed of running the world - looks like nothing's going to stop me now!

I take full responsibility .....but it is their fault

I’ve repeatedly said to Australian Working Families I take full responsibility for the economy, the good news and the bad news. That is what my Leadership is all about.

But until some good news finally arrives I am just going to have to keep blaming the Liberals. That’s also what my Leadership is all about.

It’s been difficult for me rebuilding the poverty stricken country I inherited. I feel for Morgan Tsvangirai.

I’ve had to deal with the Inflation Genie, Savage Budget Cuts, Decisive Schemes like Fuel Watch and Grocery Watch, my Mille Vanilli Education Revolution, my tax led fix of binge drinking and my carbon reduction, but not drought breaking, scheme. Boy have I been talking a good talk!

As my dear old mum said, “Kevin, words speak louder than actions when you’re incapable of action”. You know, she was right.