Only Barak and I can save the Free World

My essay on rescuing the World from Neo-Liberal, cannibalistic capitalists and restoring a new world order provides a blueprint for the World to follow.

The greatest economic failure in 75 years has allowed the greatest political blowhard in 75 years to draw on my years of experience as a China trade Consultant to map a path that will lead to global prosperity.

Cometh the hour cometh the Kevin!

My greatest challenge was holding my thoughts on the new world order to just 7000 words.

Barak, the balls in your court mate, I have provided the vision and between the world’s 2 pre eminent leaders, you and I – yes we can!

Bloody Economy - Ruined a good trip

I don't know how I'll cope. Three straight months in this country, I'll go stir crazy.
Me staying in Australia 3 months - I know how David Hicks felt in Guantanamo.

My overseas trips are my release, a bit of duty free shopping, I get my RAAF points transfered back to Qantas, catch up with a few World Leaders and tell them how wonderful I am, lobby for the UN Secretary General role, Therese gets to parade those taffetta frocks and everyone's happy.

This global financial crisis is starting to really upset me, I had to cancel my trip to Davos. I wanted to go, let Julia deal with it I say. My agenda is global - I can save the World.

I'm staying but I'm not happy. I'll sack Swan and Tanner if they don't fix this - I'm keynote speaker at the Congress of Third World Emerging nations against Global Warming Conference in Cairo in the 4 months!

What a year....I've changed Australia for ever

As I hung up the phone from talking with my 50th World Leader on New Years Eve I took time to reflect on the profound changes I've already made to Australia. I consider my "Kevin Revolution" one of the world's most significant.

Therese even gave me a set of Che Guevara pyjamas for Chrissy to recognise what I've done.

Fair Dinkum, we've had more lame revolutions here in the past 12 months that a broken down Victa lawnmower.

I've solved the Aboriginal problem, the Global Fiancial Crisis and Global Warming. I've made more phone calls than a Mumbai call centre operator and flown more air miles than the space shuttle!

Bring on 2009.

What did you expect from the guy who gave us Grocery Watch?

My answer to reducing Grocery prices was to post a website no one could understand.

I solved generations of Aboriginal problems by simply saying Sorry.

I promised an Education Revolution and gave out half the laptops I promised at twice the cost.

I reduced Petrol prices by appointing a Commissioner - who resigned!

I promised to save the Whale and ended up saving my relationship with the Japanese PM.

I had a 2020 summit and have given it 20 minutes thought in the past 20 months......

So what did you expect from a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme promised by a PM who talked tough about the Environment and said he'd personally get China and India to sign up to binding targets?

Exactly the rubbish we got.

I'm having a whale of a time big noting myself!

I made much of anti whaling talk prior to the election. Talk of International Court prosecutions and sending the military down to sort Japanese whalers out.

Peter Garrett got a bit carried away again, "You don't have to harpoon them to find out important scientific information about them,""It's cruel, it's barbaric and it's unnecessary."

He added: "Fifteen minutes of agonising death at the hands of a harpooner is no way to treat these beautiful and regal creatures."

I wasn't elected to actually do anything was I? Anyway after weeks of Japanese whaling and Garrett and the bloody media carrying on I sent a non military option down to monitor the Japanese. A few home movies and a nice piece on Sunrise.

Upon finally going to Japan I understood that whaling was merely a disagreement amoungst friends!

Roll on 2008 Whaling season and we have to give up. No monitoring, No support of those wanting to stop it, No upsetting our good mates Japan! I'm a man of the globe and I love those little Japanese - they have big voting rights at the UN.

It was good enough to get us elected but not worth ruining my chance to be UN Secretary General.

I salute the new US President, my good mate Barack

George, Hu, Barak and John rang again last night!

As I said today it’s gonna be ugly, tough and hard running Australia and spending the surplus built up over 12 years in 12 months, but I’m the man. So much so that my phone runs hot now with a range of World Leaders and would be World Leaders seeking my counsel.

Take last night, I was sitting down to watch re-runs of Quantum at 11pm and the phone rang. It was George again. George rings me constantly asking a series of questions that only I can answer. What’s the G20 Kevin? What’s a depression? How many cents in a dollar Kevin? What’s my password to the global missile system? I answered George, rang The Australian to fill them in and sat down to watch Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Hu. We spoke as equals in Mandarin, did I tell you I speak Mandarin? Hu was worried about the Global Crisis, his sales of Melamine are down 80%. “Don’t worry HU” I said, “I’ve told George what to do, it’s under control”. Hu thanked me, I rang The Australian and briefed them and resumed Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Barak. Barak was wanting my counsel on the global crisis. “I’m on my way over Barak”, I told him. “I’ve spoken with George and Hu – did you know I speak Mandarin?” I rang The Australian and sat down again.

I had got ten minutes of Quantum and the phone rang again. It was John McCain. “Kevin I need a killer policy to win the election, what should I do?

“John hit them with an Education Revolution, High Speed Broadband and say you're there for Working families. Build on the Joe the plumber thing”. I hung up and rang The Australian.

Australia you really did the World a favour electing me, John Howard would have slept through all that.