What a year....I've changed Australia for ever

As I hung up the phone from talking with my 50th World Leader on New Years Eve I took time to reflect on the profound changes I've already made to Australia. I consider my "Kevin Revolution" one of the world's most significant.

Therese even gave me a set of Che Guevara pyjamas for Chrissy to recognise what I've done.

Fair Dinkum, we've had more lame revolutions here in the past 12 months that a broken down Victa lawnmower.

I've solved the Aboriginal problem, the Global Fiancial Crisis and Global Warming. I've made more phone calls than a Mumbai call centre operator and flown more air miles than the space shuttle!

Bring on 2009.

What did you expect from the guy who gave us Grocery Watch?

My answer to reducing Grocery prices was to post a website no one could understand.

I solved generations of Aboriginal problems by simply saying Sorry.

I promised an Education Revolution and gave out half the laptops I promised at twice the cost.

I reduced Petrol prices by appointing a Commissioner - who resigned!

I promised to save the Whale and ended up saving my relationship with the Japanese PM.

I had a 2020 summit and have given it 20 minutes thought in the past 20 months......

So what did you expect from a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme promised by a PM who talked tough about the Environment and said he'd personally get China and India to sign up to binding targets?

Exactly the rubbish we got.

I'm having a whale of a time big noting myself!

I made much of anti whaling talk prior to the election. Talk of International Court prosecutions and sending the military down to sort Japanese whalers out.

Peter Garrett got a bit carried away again, "You don't have to harpoon them to find out important scientific information about them,""It's cruel, it's barbaric and it's unnecessary."

He added: "Fifteen minutes of agonising death at the hands of a harpooner is no way to treat these beautiful and regal creatures."

I wasn't elected to actually do anything was I? Anyway after weeks of Japanese whaling and Garrett and the bloody media carrying on I sent a non military option down to monitor the Japanese. A few home movies and a nice piece on Sunrise.

Upon finally going to Japan I understood that whaling was merely a disagreement amoungst friends!

Roll on 2008 Whaling season and we have to give up. No monitoring, No support of those wanting to stop it, No upsetting our good mates Japan! I'm a man of the globe and I love those little Japanese - they have big voting rights at the UN.

It was good enough to get us elected but not worth ruining my chance to be UN Secretary General.

I salute the new US President, my good mate Barack

George, Hu, Barak and John rang again last night!

As I said today it’s gonna be ugly, tough and hard running Australia and spending the surplus built up over 12 years in 12 months, but I’m the man. So much so that my phone runs hot now with a range of World Leaders and would be World Leaders seeking my counsel.

Take last night, I was sitting down to watch re-runs of Quantum at 11pm and the phone rang. It was George again. George rings me constantly asking a series of questions that only I can answer. What’s the G20 Kevin? What’s a depression? How many cents in a dollar Kevin? What’s my password to the global missile system? I answered George, rang The Australian to fill them in and sat down to watch Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Hu. We spoke as equals in Mandarin, did I tell you I speak Mandarin? Hu was worried about the Global Crisis, his sales of Melamine are down 80%. “Don’t worry HU” I said, “I’ve told George what to do, it’s under control”. Hu thanked me, I rang The Australian and briefed them and resumed Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Barak. Barak was wanting my counsel on the global crisis. “I’m on my way over Barak”, I told him. “I’ve spoken with George and Hu – did you know I speak Mandarin?” I rang The Australian and sat down again.

I had got ten minutes of Quantum and the phone rang again. It was John McCain. “Kevin I need a killer policy to win the election, what should I do?

“John hit them with an Education Revolution, High Speed Broadband and say you're there for Working families. Build on the Joe the plumber thing”. I hung up and rang The Australian.

Australia you really did the World a favour electing me, John Howard would have slept through all that.

I love the smell of socialism in the morning

Can you believe it, I make a firm decision and my rating soars.

I've spent my inheritance in one day. The Economic conservative stuff was never really me. It got us elected but deep down Julia, Swanny and I always had our fingers crossed.

We were like a bunch of drunken socialists throwing money around after finding the safe unlocked.

The next step for us Economic Conservatives is to socialise the banking system, ban executive bonuses and bring on the socialist state.

I'm a naughty comrade.

Frankly my Chief of Staff had to go

They can call me Kevin 24/7 or Kevin 747, it's still better than what they called me at school.

Anyway my Chief of Staff must be there to support the World's Greatest deal maker, it's Carbon Crusader, Global Financial Reformer and Pre eminant Mandarin Speaking Politician.
Frankly David Epstein wasn't there.

I'd been on the phone to George Bush, he put me hold for an hour, and Gordon Brown, he put me hold for 2 hours, telling them how to solve the Global Financial Crisis. It was about 3.45am when Gordon finally hung up, I tried to call Ban Ki Moon, not in his staff said - President Sarkozy, wrong number a lovely french woman said. It was too early for Helen Clark or one of the Pacific Island types and an appearance on Sunrise or Today was still 3 hours away, so I thought I'd like a coffee.

I rang InEpstein several times - his cell phone, his blackberry and his home phone. Who does he think he is not to take my call - a World leader?

I got Therese out of bed to drive me over to his home and banged on the door until he answered.
"You're fired...and you make lousy coffee anyway" I screamed in my very private "treat the staff badly" voice and the rest is history.