Give me a global stimulus package, but don’t give me meat

I apologise unreservedly, after the event, for my latest bout of air rage. It’s tough for me being the only perfect being on the planet – everyone comes up short.

That trumped up waitress should have known better. Serving the World’s Number One mover & shaker, the White Obama, meat! She won’t do it again.

She’d be pouring Latte's at Donut King if I had my way.

Wasn’t I great at the G20! All that footage of me waving and pointing at Barack. It’s a little game we play now, started at the White House. I say “Hey Barack isn’t that Bin Laden over there” pointing into space. Barack goes “look Kevin, there’s Mark Latham”. We’re becoming great mates.

Did you see me hugging Lula from Brazil, real man love there. He can’t speak a word of English, thought I was the Chinese Premier...”not yet old mate”, I said.

Gordy, my mate Gordon Brown, keeps telling anyone who’ll listen how wonderful I am. Right back at ya Gordy! If I didn’t have Therese you know I’d be torn between Barack and Gordy.

Things are going well. 19 new friends who’ll listen to every word I say. Last time that happened was my grade 1 Birthday speech at Nambour Primary. I had 19 enemies when I finished an hour later.

I said to Therese I’m thinking of inviting the G20 for Christmas, as long as the press come.

It's official at 74% I'm bigger than Herpes

At 74% popularity I may also be more popular than Jesus and you know, I think I understand why.

I often look in the mirror and wonder at what my loyal followers see. A global statesman, a future UN Secretary General, the next Chinese Premier or just simply the only man who can get us out of this global financial recession and save the environment.

Whatever I’m dishing out the punters are loving it.

Thank god for this Financial Crisis, it’s funded my bankrupt Education Revolution, it’s allowed me to legitimise my International Travel and photo ops, it’s funded my bonuses to anyone who may vote Labor and it’s allowed me to flip from Economic Conservative to Economic Terrorist.

George, Hu, Barak and John rang again last night!

As I said today it’s gonna be ugly, tough and hard running Australia and spending the surplus built up over 12 years in 12 months, but I’m the man. So much so that my phone runs hot now with a range of World Leaders and would be World Leaders seeking my counsel.

Take last night, I was sitting down to watch re-runs of Quantum at 11pm and the phone rang. It was George again. George rings me constantly asking a series of questions that only I can answer. What’s the G20 Kevin? What’s a depression? How many cents in a dollar Kevin? What’s my password to the global missile system? I answered George, rang The Australian to fill them in and sat down to watch Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Hu. We spoke as equals in Mandarin, did I tell you I speak Mandarin? Hu was worried about the Global Crisis, his sales of Melamine are down 80%. “Don’t worry HU” I said, “I’ve told George what to do, it’s under control”. Hu thanked me, I rang The Australian and briefed them and resumed Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Barak. Barak was wanting my counsel on the global crisis. “I’m on my way over Barak”, I told him. “I’ve spoken with George and Hu – did you know I speak Mandarin?” I rang The Australian and sat down again.

I had got ten minutes of Quantum and the phone rang again. It was John McCain. “Kevin I need a killer policy to win the election, what should I do?

“John hit them with an Education Revolution, High Speed Broadband and say you're there for Working families. Build on the Joe the plumber thing”. I hung up and rang The Australian.

Australia you really did the World a favour electing me, John Howard would have slept through all that.