Don't mention Asylum seekers

Whilst I’m on the difficult topic of Asylum Seeker did I mention the recession?
You’d hardly expected me to come clean quickly on what happened on that boat – I’m clearly the last person to work out Australia’s in recession and even then I’m speculating.

If it gets Asylum Seekers off the front page then I’ll say anything.

I was quick to condemn that smarty pants Premier in WA with his wild speculation about petrol being spilled on the boat. How dare he know the answer to this national security issue a week before me! Kevin is Australia’s smartest man – it’s all wild dangerous, speculation. How dare anyone speculate on this sensitive matter before the coroner’s inquest.

It didn’t stop me speculating it was people smugglers and the global meltdown, not my relaxing of refugee laws, that was to blame for this incident.

Anyway, people smugglers are now on Kevin’s axis of evil joining Peter Costello, RAAF flight attendants, Belinda Neal, neo liberals, CEOs, false gods and banks.

At least my stimulus package is stimulating my popularity

I’ve got all the answers to this global recession. You notice I now can’t stop using the word recession, I quite like it in its new global context. I'm beginning to love this recession, an excuse for anything. It's even funded my failed Education Revolution.

My targeted spending of tax-payers money on current and potential ALP voters in the form of handouts to splash on booze, escorts, pokies or new TV’s has really hit the mark.

I don’t judge its impact on unemployment figures, but my popularity. 74%, come on the handouts couldn’t be more targeted!

Anyway I’ve got the ultimate line. If I hadn’t spent the money things would be worse. Unemployment would have gone up to 7%, Parramatta would have lost to the Dragons by 30 points, Collingwood would have lost to Geelong by 90 points and South Africa would have beaten Australia by 60 runs.....but I’d still have 74% popularity.