Boring yes..Toxic...maybe!

I’ll admit I’m a bore – hey anyone who lists Dietrich Bonhoeffer as his hero is about as boring as you’d get.

As a child I was that boring mum had to cover me in the leftover casserole to get the dog to sniff me.

My five longest relationships at school were with deaf people. My relationship with Therese finally took off when I gave her a walkman, our only marital aid now is an ipod.

But Toxic...fair go Tony, I’ve bored people witless, bored them beyond belief, bored them to tears, but never bored them to death.... Give me time.

My pokies revolution approved

It's clear now, we have 2 parties on different paths. Malcolm Turnbull stood in the way of my big handout and the seven day delay will probably result in Australia moving in to its worst recession ever!

My $42 billion War on Insulation, Pokies Revolution and Spend whatever it takes on education to prove I actually had a plan for an 'Education Revolution' will surely send generations of future Australian's in to long term debt and poverty......but at least they'll have been poorly educated in newly built schools!

Just remember who gave the punters $900 and insulated their homes from the weather -but not declining values when the next election rolls around.

Good old Uncle Kev!

Saving the world, it's all in a week's work

After writing the essay that will save the world from Neo Liberal vandals I moved quickly to save a pensioner who collapsed in Church. I did my best, personally carrying this beast of man on my shoulders out of my Church while applying CPR and giving him a $900 bonus.

After helping this poor wretch I then ran home in 40 degree heat and commenced work 24/7 on the $42 billion package to save Australia.

In a time when interest rates are collapsing, petrol prices have fallen and inflation has come down I've given the battlers another pokies handout. I figure they can now play the $2 machines and buy full strength beer given the money that's been freed up lately and this bonus.

Screw the recent unemployed, most of them are Neo Liberal Bankers anyway and screw anyone earning over $100,000 per year. I'd rather give drinking and gambling money to the punters.

My education revolution is back on track thanks to sending Australia $20 billion in debt and my bonus for household insulation will surely offset the hot air coming after I rolled on carbon trading!

Got it covered, I am legend!

Only Barak and I can save the Free World

My essay on rescuing the World from Neo-Liberal, cannibalistic capitalists and restoring a new world order provides a blueprint for the World to follow.

The greatest economic failure in 75 years has allowed the greatest political blowhard in 75 years to draw on my years of experience as a China trade Consultant to map a path that will lead to global prosperity.

Cometh the hour cometh the Kevin!

My greatest challenge was holding my thoughts on the new world order to just 7000 words.

Barak, the balls in your court mate, I have provided the vision and between the world’s 2 pre eminent leaders, you and I – yes we can!

Bloody Economy - Ruined a good trip

I don't know how I'll cope. Three straight months in this country, I'll go stir crazy.
Me staying in Australia 3 months - I know how David Hicks felt in Guantanamo.

My overseas trips are my release, a bit of duty free shopping, I get my RAAF points transfered back to Qantas, catch up with a few World Leaders and tell them how wonderful I am, lobby for the UN Secretary General role, Therese gets to parade those taffetta frocks and everyone's happy.

This global financial crisis is starting to really upset me, I had to cancel my trip to Davos. I wanted to go, let Julia deal with it I say. My agenda is global - I can save the World.

I'm staying but I'm not happy. I'll sack Swan and Tanner if they don't fix this - I'm keynote speaker at the Congress of Third World Emerging nations against Global Warming Conference in Cairo in the 4 months!

What a year....I've changed Australia for ever

As I hung up the phone from talking with my 50th World Leader on New Years Eve I took time to reflect on the profound changes I've already made to Australia. I consider my "Kevin Revolution" one of the world's most significant.

Therese even gave me a set of Che Guevara pyjamas for Chrissy to recognise what I've done.

Fair Dinkum, we've had more lame revolutions here in the past 12 months that a broken down Victa lawnmower.

I've solved the Aboriginal problem, the Global Fiancial Crisis and Global Warming. I've made more phone calls than a Mumbai call centre operator and flown more air miles than the space shuttle!

Bring on 2009.

What did you expect from the guy who gave us Grocery Watch?

My answer to reducing Grocery prices was to post a website no one could understand.

I solved generations of Aboriginal problems by simply saying Sorry.

I promised an Education Revolution and gave out half the laptops I promised at twice the cost.

I reduced Petrol prices by appointing a Commissioner - who resigned!

I promised to save the Whale and ended up saving my relationship with the Japanese PM.

I had a 2020 summit and have given it 20 minutes thought in the past 20 months......

So what did you expect from a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme promised by a PM who talked tough about the Environment and said he'd personally get China and India to sign up to binding targets?

Exactly the rubbish we got.