Kevin Rudd R Less

The passing of a great Australian - Sam the Koala

2009-08-06T21:02:00.003+10:00

Australia mourns the loss of Sam the Koala today, a truly great Australian and great mate of mine.

It's no secret that the ALP had approached Sam to run as our high profile celebrity candidate against that cad Malcolm Turnbull in Wentworth. After spending some time talking through my policies, I believed Sam to be a more informed candidate than either Maxine McKew or Peter Garrett. She was passionate about our building an Education Revolution scheme and indicated that even Australia's Koalas had benefited from the stimulus package.

Sam was the ultimate victim of Climate Change, incinerated by Malcolm Turnbull's lack of policy on a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme. Just as Turnbull is personally destroying the Barrier Reef and Kakadu, he has barbequed this great Australian.

I plan a state funeral and photo opportunity shortly.

2009-08-06T21:02:00.000+10:00

What price Pink batts and a School hall?

2009-08-01T12:26:00.003+10:00

Told you I was World Leader! I've managed to blow the family inheritance and what have I got to show for it - POPULARITY - and that's all that counts!

Don't be too fussy about a job - become a government minister

2009-07-30T19:50:00.005+10:00

With our temporary recession forcing up temporary unemployment, it's important Australian Not Working Children don't become too fussy about what jobs they take.

We can't all be global statesmen fixing the World's problems - that's reserved for me, but as Mark Abib demonstrates we aren't fussy about who makes a government minister. It actually pays to be stupid!

We're creating 50,000 green jobs to replace the million jobs our CPRS is taking out and giving long term unemployed a weekly green outing. After today I think Mark may be amoungst them, so I'll need another semi literate fool to run a ministry.

C'mon kids don't be fussy, you get to wear lots of hard hats and get your head on TV.

My centrefold a success

2009-07-27T07:02:00.003+10:00

My brief 6000 word centrespread provided the world with a blueprint for success. I hope Silvio, Angela, Gordon and Barack get their copies soon.

I hear newspaper sales have never been stronger, really it should be a weekly event. Australian Working Families of course are avid readers of the Fairfax broadsheets, particularly 6000 word spreads.

It also highlighted that I may finally have to make a hard decision.......but after the next election.

Forget Mary, Saint Kevin is a done deal

2009-07-10T07:20:00.006+10:00

My meeting with the Holy Father was again a highlight for the Pope.
We talked briefly about Mary MacKillop but moved quickly to the miracles that I have performed, I must say they leave poor Mary in their wake.

The Pope acknowledged 4 miracles from me to date.

1. Convincing Australian’s that I was an Economic Conservative while running up record debt levels, then telling them the debt from my spending spree would only be temporary.
2. Having Australian’s believe Grocery Watch, Petrol Watch and the Petrol Commissioner were ever good ideas
3. Convincing Australians my policy on the run, my renamed stimulus spending, my computers in one or two schools and my stolen policies are actually an Education Revolution
4. My popularity ratings at record levels despite my abusing a flight attendant, my staff in Canberra and the hairdryer incident in Afghanistan.

The Pope has requested further detail on my miracle of single handedly saving that old bloke’s life at a Canberra church, my saving of the Whales from the Japanese and my saving of the Barrier Reef by my delayed Carbon pollution Reduction Scheme. He did acknowledge the fact that I renamed an Emissions Trading Scheme, the Carbon pollution Reduction Scheme as being miraculous in passing also.

Anyway he’s expecting that my beatification should be around the corner and poor Mary will have to wait.

Messiah to visit the Vatican

2009-07-04T12:39:00.004+10:00

Rome is humming - Australia's self proclaimed saviour will visit the Pope in the Vatican to teach him a thing or two about stimulus packages and saving the world.

Fantastic Minister promoted???

2009-06-27T15:07:00.001+10:00

No one can say I promoted on merit? I think Chris represents those millions of Australian's who are completly full of themselves but are incapable of doing anything.....a man in my own image

Fair Shake of the Sauce bottle - The Opposition Leader is worse than a people smuggler

2009-06-21T17:31:00.007+10:00

I call on the Leader of the Opposition to resign.

The Opposition Leader is charged with:

Conspiring to have John Grant give me a free ute
Manipulating my personal life by having John Grant become my mate
Blackmailing Wayne Swan in to buying a car from John Grant
Hypnotising Godwin Grech in to implicating me and my office and Wayne Swan in scandal
Having the whole of Treasury's senior staff focussed on getting a finance deal for John Grant in the midst of a global credit squeeze
Falsely having updates on Treasury's efforts to secure finance for John Grant sent to Wayne Swan's fax
Standing up in Parliament and doing an impresonation of me and Wayne Swan and denying all knowledge of any efforts to influence assistance for John Grant.

As you can see these are grave charges against the Opposition Leader and he must resign or buy a new Kia from John Grant motors for all his front bench.

I have the credibility of a Used Car Salesman

2009-06-19T19:47:00.003+10:00

My axis of evil has been extended.

People Smugglers, Gordon Ramsey, RAAF flight attendants, Belinda Neal, Neo Liberals, Banks, CEO’s and False gods remain but I have to add Used Car Salesman.

Two days in row we had screaming babies removed from Parliament.

Today I carried a screaming Swanny out to his carers. I’m actually getting a bit teary myself, but a good night on the spinning wheel should see me come out shining.

Fair Shake of the Sauce bottle

2009-06-10T11:29:00.004+10:00

Fair dinkum, Aussie Kev is buggered. These pesky journos give me grief, fair shake of the sauce bottle you journo's!

I gave Joel the lemon & sars, 'cos he behaved like a tosser. I give Mark Abib and Chris Bowen a leg up and cop flack. Mark did a great job starring in fat pizza and Chris has nailed Grocery watch, Fuel Watch and the Petrol Commissioner. Taking the piss aren't I?

Aussie Kev has had enough - hey i'm just an average true blue aussie bloke. I've just seen the pics of Therese in Woman's Day, what a sheila! I'm off to spank the monkey!

Rudd singed when hairdryer malfunctions

2009-06-02T18:48:00.002+10:00

Psycho Chook - would you like fries with that?

2009-06-01T21:06:00.004+10:00

So Barnaby Joyce thinks I'm a birdseed eating Psycho Chook. "Nothing weird about me" I screamed at my staff.

I ran off to the prayer room, chanted myself stupid, blowdried my hair, bowled a cricket ball down the office corridor, did a chicken dance, screamed at my staff again, rang Barack Obama (it was 2am Washington time), rang Kim Jong-il and asked him for his hairdresser's number, called a summit of my staff and then told then my ideas, donated to the save the whale people - then ordered whale sashimi takeaway, drove my eco-friendly Prius to the airport and flew off around the country, froze the punter's superannuation top ups but let mine go through, rang George Bush and told him "it's the G20 stupid" (it was 4am in Texas) then announced the Barrier Reef was almost dead but I'd fix it in 3 years.

Who's the wanker who said I was a psycho?

Sure I talk to God every morning

2009-05-26T20:07:00.001+10:00

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Yes Australia, I do talk to God everyday and I think it helps God get His head in the right space.

My Education Revolution finally gets traction in Queensland

2009-05-23T14:48:00.001+10:00

Didn't I tell you it was a Horror budget?

2009-05-20T21:07:00.002+10:00

I really think Australia has been quite ungrateful when it comes to embracing my recent efforts to spend their great-grandkids inheritance. How quickly you forget who put that new plasma on your TV stand.

The budget was a carefully constructed event. The leaks, the drama, the horror – it was truly great theatre, lost on the average punter clearly! I took you to the edge but gave you a happy ending. Don’t you get it – it’s the Ruddster, no pain all gain! You took me too literally. Hey horror’s a pretty broad term anyway.

My budget was endorsed by the hard working guys and gals at Standard & Poors, they gave Lehman Brothers an A rating before they collapsed, so they really are great guys and gals.

Why the backlash on me anyway? I didn’t read it, just sat there licking my lips staring at Julie Bishop’s thighs and muttering a few here here’s. Why can’t Julia look like Julie? Horror, I’ll give you Horror Australia. Try sitting beside the despatch box with Julia Gillard’s arse in your face, that’s real Horror Australia.

So now I’ve gotta continue the horror theme and run the line we made the tough decisions that cost me in the polls. I take the hit, I made the tough decisions that needed to be made in the national interest, and the national interest is of course to have me as PM.

If this hurts my popularity any more I’m not afraid to make another tough decision and hang Swanny out to dry.

C'mon Australia - no horrors - don't believe a word I say!

2009-05-19T17:12:00.003+10:00

I blame Swanny.

Swanny, I said, " let's scream about a horror budget, make them think we're fiscally responsible. You know that Economic conservative stuff. Tackling the hard issues, paying off debt."

"Frame a budget that holds my approval rating in the 60's."

I get trashed in the polls after attacking wealthy Australia with a feather and making working families work a couple more years before they get a miserable pension.

I think they believed the spin - hey Australia nothing happened - no horror story here!

I'm terrifed about what might happen if I ever have to start paying back this debt. Seems like we're back to square one - no hard decisions for me.

All this looks like another stimulus package before the election.

Confessions of a Shopaholic 2!

2009-05-13T20:03:00.001+10:00

......and nothing to pay until 2020

Don’t worry it’s only temporary

2009-05-12T20:22:00.002+10:00

$60 BILLION OF TEMPORARY DEBT, 8.5% OF TEMPORARY UNEMPLOYMENT, A TEMPORARY RECESSION – I fail to see what the issue is. Trust me it’s only temporary!

I’ll temporarily increase taxes, banks will have temporary record interest rates, the recession may temporarily go on a bit longer, maybe some more Working families will temporarily become just good old families. Trust me it’s temporary!

.....and you can all temporarily stay at work longer before retirement.

Seems the only gap we’re closing is that between your retirement and your funeral, but feel good in the knowledge you spent a lifetime helping pay off all those $900 Flat screens.

Introducing the Carbon Pollution Recession Reduction Scam

2009-05-04T21:27:00.003+10:00

As I said during the election and again in office as I headed to Bali to sign Kyoto and again at the launch of my CPRS, this is urgent. We have to act now, 2010 may even be too late! I'll accept Garnaut's report I said, he's the expert.

"No sustainable leadership can ignore the elephant in the room of this proportion. To do so would be to threaten the future of our people, our nation, and our planet". Inspiring stuff isn't it!

"Do we reduce our pollution today so our children and grandchildren can experience the same beautiful and bountiful planet that we have inherited?

Or do we wait – knowing our grandchildren may never see the grandeur of the Great Barrier Reef, or experience the wonder of the wetlands at Kakadu". Therese was howling when I read it in bed. The Shakespeare of Climate Change she said.

In December 2008 when I announced the CPRS I had no idea we were having a Global crisis. I'd already sent out a stimulus package, but really that was a bit of fun! This last few months has changed everything.

When you're popularity is almost at an all time high why rock the boat when the record is in sight. The $900 cheques are just hitting, my popularity could hit 90%, be buggered if I'm doing anything to mess with that!

I think my economic conservatism is preventing me spending...

2009-05-03T11:04:00.003+10:00

$42 Billion stimulus package - $3.9 Billion on insulation / $12 Billion in $900 cash gifts
$10.4 Billion stimulus package - $8 Billion in cash handouts
$43 Billion broadband - $100 Billion on Defense
$50 Billion+ Budget deficit

My answer to Pig Flu!

2009-04-30T20:40:00.002+10:00

Just wash your hands of it and it should go away.

Hey it worked for the Asylum Seekers and Joel Fitzgibbon!

It's clear my stimulus packages are having an impact

2009-04-24T06:54:00.002+10:00

The IMF forecasts my stimulus packages will drive Unemployment in Australia over 7% and Digital TV penetration to over 95%

I'm proud that Australia is leading both the UK and USA in unemployment growth in the past 3 months and with my current plans biting we'll see Australia give away it's headstart and overtake these two giants shortly.

Don't mention Asylum seekers

2009-04-21T07:45:00.001+10:00

Whilst I’m on the difficult topic of Asylum Seeker did I mention the recession?
You’d hardly expected me to come clean quickly on what happened on that boat – I’m clearly the last person to work out Australia’s in recession and even then I’m speculating.

If it gets Asylum Seekers off the front page then I’ll say anything.

I was quick to condemn that smarty pants Premier in WA with his wild speculation about petrol being spilled on the boat. How dare he know the answer to this national security issue a week before me! Kevin is Australia’s smartest man – it’s all wild dangerous, speculation. How dare anyone speculate on this sensitive matter before the coroner’s inquest.

It didn’t stop me speculating it was people smugglers and the global meltdown, not my relaxing of refugee laws, that was to blame for this incident.

Anyway, people smugglers are now on Kevin’s axis of evil joining Peter Costello, RAAF flight attendants, Belinda Neal, neo liberals, CEOs, false gods and banks.

At least my stimulus package is stimulating my popularity

2009-04-11T10:25:00.003+10:00

I’ve got all the answers to this global recession. You notice I now can’t stop using the word recession, I quite like it in its new global context. I'm beginning to love this recession, an excuse for anything. It's even funded my failed Education Revolution.

My targeted spending of tax-payers money on current and potential ALP voters in the form of handouts to splash on booze, escorts, pokies or new TV’s has really hit the mark.

I don’t judge its impact on unemployment figures, but my popularity. 74%, come on the handouts couldn’t be more targeted!

Anyway I’ve got the ultimate line. If I hadn’t spent the money things would be worse. Unemployment would have gone up to 7%, Parramatta would have lost to the Dragons by 30 points, Collingwood would have lost to Geelong by 90 points and South Africa would have beaten Australia by 60 runs.....but I’d still have 74% popularity.

Beware of worshipping a False God

2009-04-06T07:17:00.003+10:00

With 74% popularity, 25 points ahead of Jesus and 42 points clear of Allah I would have to say my popularity is god like.
The perfect Christian, I even saved a fellow parishioner’s life recently – personally carrying this man ten kilometers to hospital after his collapse. I’m well known in public life as a man of humility, quietly spoken and even tempered. Have you ever seen me on morning T.V., my humble close “good to be with you” signed off with a cheesy grin.

I’m an Economic Conservative, I said so 50 times with Julia during the election and a man of the people. I hate corporate greed and wealthy CEO’s ripping us poor people off.

I don’t know where these horrible lies about me come from? Attending a strip club while drunk, bullying a flight attendant, working my staff like dogs and then attacking them publically when they complain, preaching a new socialism while living a multi millionaire’s lifestyle, prone to foul mouthed outbursts, promising false hope – Petrol Commissioner to reduce prices, Grocery Watch to reduce prices, 2020 Summit to fix everything...

As I said recently, "...worshipped as a god and we know now that god was false”. I went on damning those who put their egos and power ahead of all others “...the unrestrained pursuit of self-interest was not only morally legitimate but, equally, was to be morally encouraged."

Give me a global stimulus package, but don’t give me meat

2009-04-03T14:33:00.003+10:00

I apologise unreservedly, after the event, for my latest bout of air rage. It’s tough for me being the only perfect being on the planet – everyone comes up short.

That trumped up waitress should have known better. Serving the World’s Number One mover & shaker, the White Obama, meat! She won’t do it again.

She’d be pouring Latte's at Donut King if I had my way.

Wasn’t I great at the G20! All that footage of me waving and pointing at Barack. It’s a little game we play now, started at the White House. I say “Hey Barack isn’t that Bin Laden over there” pointing into space. Barack goes “look Kevin, there’s Mark Latham”. We’re becoming great mates.

Did you see me hugging Lula from Brazil, real man love there. He can’t speak a word of English, thought I was the Chinese Premier...”not yet old mate”, I said.

Gordy, my mate Gordon Brown, keeps telling anyone who’ll listen how wonderful I am. Right back at ya Gordy! If I didn’t have Therese you know I’d be torn between Barack and Gordy.

Things are going well. 19 new friends who’ll listen to every word I say. Last time that happened was my grade 1 Birthday speech at Nambour Primary. I had 19 enemies when I finished an hour later.

I said to Therese I’m thinking of inviting the G20 for Christmas, as long as the press come.

It's official at 74% I'm bigger than Herpes

2009-03-30T17:31:00.002+10:00

At 74% popularity I may also be more popular than Jesus and you know, I think I understand why.

I often look in the mirror and wonder at what my loyal followers see. A global statesman, a future UN Secretary General, the next Chinese Premier or just simply the only man who can get us out of this global financial recession and save the environment.

Whatever I’m dishing out the punters are loving it.

Thank god for this Financial Crisis, it’s funded my bankrupt Education Revolution, it’s allowed me to legitimise my International Travel and photo ops, it’s funded my bonuses to anyone who may vote Labor and it’s allowed me to flip from Economic Conservative to Economic Terrorist.

The world was the winner

2009-03-26T20:17:00.005+10:00

Early days, but I think my "meeting of the minds" with my dear friend Barack was a real hit. The advice I gave him will, I believe, make the world a better place.

I think he enjoyed my words of wisdom. My experience as a global statesman was appreciated. I even shared a few Chinese phrases he might find handy when dealing with President Hu.

We had 90 minutes together and after I told him what great things I'd done and what great ideas I had for him, Barack barely had time to tell me how wonderful I was and it was over.

Nicola's driving me to drink

2009-03-20T14:32:00.001+10:00

Nicola is like having a slow sister. She constantly needs direction – left to her own devices she trips herself up hourly. As I look across Caucus I do remind myself that this lot represent our community, idiots included.

Anyway, the latest Alco-pops drama has seen Nicola at her best. This Health Tax was developed to solve binge drinking across our teens, not solve our budget deficit. It’s another of my visionary policies, fix health by taxing booze. I thought Nicola got it – my mistake!

Nicola was on message for so long, I’d spent weeks drumming it in to her. This of course is the girl who has only ever won one debate in her political life – and that required Tony Abbott to not turn up. As I’ve said to Therese, Nicola’s best work is done in any empty room.

Well, Nicola’s mature reaction to the Alco-pops Health Tax has me wishing she’d stayed in her office. Hand back the $300 million we’ve raised already to the booze companies?

It’s a health tax so let’s spend the revenue on health girl.

Driving a $1.5 billion black hole in the budget.

It’s a health tax. It’s about health not revenue!

Who do I replace her with? Peter Garrett, Maxine McKew?

What will Australia be like when we come out of recession?

2009-03-12T20:13:00.001+10:00

We’ll have millions of unemployed Australian’s with plasma TV’s, they’ll have liver damage from their $900 binge drinking sessions, we’ll have a generation who expects government to pay off their credit cards via an annual bonus, a major class divide and record taxation levels imposed on the few who are working, but my greatest legacy will be the knowledge everyone will be comfortable in their well insulated rental accomodation.

Oops I started a shitstorm

2009-03-09T19:35:00.004+10:00

Old potty-mouth did it again.

As I desperately try to appeal to my left wing, working class base I feel I have to remind them that despite my multi millionaire lifestyle, my fluent Mandarin and my over educated snobbish tone, I am really one of them! Well a cleaner, more educated version anyway!

I'll fix those horrible employers, those filthy rich CEOs and I don't care if I create a shit storm. Did you know I got drunk twice and went to a strip club?

I'm a complex sort of guy

2009-03-08T16:34:00.002+10:00

If there’s an election to be won, I’m an economic conservative. If there’s business to be won over then I’m a free markets guy.

If there’s an economic crisis, then I’m a born again socialist. If the budget’s going in to deficit then I can’t pronounce deficit. If we’re in a recession, then I’ll just call it a slow down.

If there’s a CEO to be kicked then I’m against million dollar CEO salaries....but if I want a Rudd family holiday or a new car then I love million dollar CEO salaries.

I’m a complex sort of guy, a hypocrite? No...maybe just a linguistic gymnast.

I can't believe Australia wasn't stimulated by my package!

2009-03-05T20:14:00.003+10:00

At least I did something!

Just think how bad things would have been if I hadn't given all those previously working families additional pokie money and paid for them to upgrade to full strength beer.

I quite fancy my package....I can't believe Australia wasn't stimulated.

Your loss Australia.

I'm heading over to see Barack and I'm sure he'll be stimulated. Just the thought of shaking his hand is more than stimulating me!

Boring yes..Toxic...maybe!

2009-03-01T20:26:00.001+10:00

I’ll admit I’m a bore – hey anyone who lists Dietrich Bonhoeffer as his hero is about as boring as you’d get.

As a child I was that boring mum had to cover me in the leftover casserole to get the dog to sniff me.

My five longest relationships at school were with deaf people. My relationship with Therese finally took off when I gave her a walkman, our only marital aid now is an ipod.

But Toxic...fair go Tony, I’ve bored people witless, bored them beyond belief, bored them to tears, but never bored them to death.... Give me time.

My pokies revolution approved

2009-02-14T12:40:00.002+10:00

It's clear now, we have 2 parties on different paths. Malcolm Turnbull stood in the way of my big handout and the seven day delay will probably result in Australia moving in to its worst recession ever!

My $42 billion War on Insulation, Pokies Revolution and Spend whatever it takes on education to prove I actually had a plan for an 'Education Revolution' will surely send generations of future Australian's in to long term debt and poverty......but at least they'll have been poorly educated in newly built schools!

Just remember who gave the punters $900 and insulated their homes from the weather -but not declining values when the next election rolls around.

Good old Uncle Kev!

Saving the world, it's all in a week's work

2009-02-08T12:42:00.006+10:00

After writing the essay that will save the world from Neo Liberal vandals I moved quickly to save a pensioner who collapsed in Church. I did my best, personally carrying this beast of man on my shoulders out of my Church while applying CPR and giving him a $900 bonus.

After helping this poor wretch I then ran home in 40 degree heat and commenced work 24/7 on the $42 billion package to save Australia.

In a time when interest rates are collapsing, petrol prices have fallen and inflation has come down I've given the battlers another pokies handout. I figure they can now play the $2 machines and buy full strength beer given the money that's been freed up lately and this bonus.

Screw the recent unemployed, most of them are Neo Liberal Bankers anyway and screw anyone earning over $100,000 per year. I'd rather give drinking and gambling money to the punters.

My education revolution is back on track thanks to sending Australia $20 billion in debt and my bonus for household insulation will surely offset the hot air coming after I rolled on carbon trading!

Got it covered, I am legend!

Only Barak and I can save the Free World

2009-01-31T14:44:00.000+10:00

My essay on rescuing the World from Neo-Liberal, cannibalistic capitalists and restoring a new world order provides a blueprint for the World to follow.

The greatest economic failure in 75 years has allowed the greatest political blowhard in 75 years to draw on my years of experience as a China trade Consultant to map a path that will lead to global prosperity.

Cometh the hour cometh the Kevin!

My greatest challenge was holding my thoughts on the new world order to just 7000 words.

Barak, the balls in your court mate, I have provided the vision and between the world’s 2 pre eminent leaders, you and I – yes we can!

Bloody Economy - Ruined a good trip

2009-01-24T08:35:00.003+10:00

I don't know how I'll cope. Three straight months in this country, I'll go stir crazy.
Me staying in Australia 3 months - I know how David Hicks felt in Guantanamo.

My overseas trips are my release, a bit of duty free shopping, I get my RAAF points transfered back to Qantas, catch up with a few World Leaders and tell them how wonderful I am, lobby for the UN Secretary General role, Therese gets to parade those taffetta frocks and everyone's happy.

This global financial crisis is starting to really upset me, I had to cancel my trip to Davos. I wanted to go, let Julia deal with it I say. My agenda is global - I can save the World.

I'm staying but I'm not happy. I'll sack Swan and Tanner if they don't fix this - I'm keynote speaker at the Congress of Third World Emerging nations against Global Warming Conference in Cairo in the 4 months!

What a year....I've changed Australia for ever

2009-01-02T07:25:00.003+10:00

As I hung up the phone from talking with my 50th World Leader on New Years Eve I took time to reflect on the profound changes I've already made to Australia. I consider my "Kevin Revolution" one of the world's most significant.

Therese even gave me a set of Che Guevara pyjamas for Chrissy to recognise what I've done.

Fair Dinkum, we've had more lame revolutions here in the past 12 months that a broken down Victa lawnmower.

I've solved the Aboriginal problem, the Global Fiancial Crisis and Global Warming. I've made more phone calls than a Mumbai call centre operator and flown more air miles than the space shuttle!

Bring on 2009.

What did you expect from the guy who gave us Grocery Watch?

2008-12-16T21:04:00.003+10:00

My answer to reducing Grocery prices was to post a website no one could understand.

I solved generations of Aboriginal problems by simply saying Sorry.

I promised an Education Revolution and gave out half the laptops I promised at twice the cost.

I reduced Petrol prices by appointing a Commissioner - who resigned!

I promised to save the Whale and ended up saving my relationship with the Japanese PM.

I had a 2020 summit and have given it 20 minutes thought in the past 20 months......

So what did you expect from a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme promised by a PM who talked tough about the Environment and said he'd personally get China and India to sign up to binding targets?

Exactly the rubbish we got.

I'm having a whale of a time big noting myself!

2008-11-21T18:56:00.002+10:00

I made much of anti whaling talk prior to the election. Talk of International Court prosecutions and sending the military down to sort Japanese whalers out.

Peter Garrett got a bit carried away again, "You don't have to harpoon them to find out important scientific information about them,""It's cruel, it's barbaric and it's unnecessary."

He added: "Fifteen minutes of agonising death at the hands of a harpooner is no way to treat these beautiful and regal creatures."

I wasn't elected to actually do anything was I? Anyway after weeks of Japanese whaling and Garrett and the bloody media carrying on I sent a non military option down to monitor the Japanese. A few home movies and a nice piece on Sunrise.

Upon finally going to Japan I understood that whaling was merely a disagreement amoungst friends!

Roll on 2008 Whaling season and we have to give up. No monitoring, No support of those wanting to stop it, No upsetting our good mates Japan! I'm a man of the globe and I love those little Japanese - they have big voting rights at the UN.

It was good enough to get us elected but not worth ruining my chance to be UN Secretary General.

I salute the new US President, my good mate Barack

2008-11-06T19:52:00.004+10:00

George, Hu, Barak and John rang again last night!

2008-11-02T17:57:00.002+10:00

As I said today it’s gonna be ugly, tough and hard running Australia and spending the surplus built up over 12 years in 12 months, but I’m the man. So much so that my phone runs hot now with a range of World Leaders and would be World Leaders seeking my counsel.

Take last night, I was sitting down to watch re-runs of Quantum at 11pm and the phone rang. It was George again. George rings me constantly asking a series of questions that only I can answer. What’s the G20 Kevin? What’s a depression? How many cents in a dollar Kevin? What’s my password to the global missile system? I answered George, rang The Australian to fill them in and sat down to watch Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Hu. We spoke as equals in Mandarin, did I tell you I speak Mandarin? Hu was worried about the Global Crisis, his sales of Melamine are down 80%. “Don’t worry HU” I said, “I’ve told George what to do, it’s under control”. Hu thanked me, I rang The Australian and briefed them and resumed Quantum.

Ring, Ring! It was Barak. Barak was wanting my counsel on the global crisis. “I’m on my way over Barak”, I told him. “I’ve spoken with George and Hu – did you know I speak Mandarin?” I rang The Australian and sat down again.

I had got ten minutes of Quantum and the phone rang again. It was John McCain. “Kevin I need a killer policy to win the election, what should I do?

“John hit them with an Education Revolution, High Speed Broadband and say you're there for Working families. Build on the Joe the plumber thing”. I hung up and rang The Australian.

Australia you really did the World a favour electing me, John Howard would have slept through all that.

I love the smell of socialism in the morning

2008-10-21T05:54:00.001+10:00

Can you believe it, I make a firm decision and my rating soars.

I've spent my inheritance in one day. The Economic conservative stuff was never really me. It got us elected but deep down Julia, Swanny and I always had our fingers crossed.

We were like a bunch of drunken socialists throwing money around after finding the safe unlocked.

The next step for us Economic Conservatives is to socialise the banking system, ban executive bonuses and bring on the socialist state.

I'm a naughty comrade.

Frankly my Chief of Staff had to go

2008-10-11T06:42:00.003+10:00

They can call me Kevin 24/7 or Kevin 747, it's still better than what they called me at school.

Anyway my Chief of Staff must be there to support the World's Greatest deal maker, it's Carbon Crusader, Global Financial Reformer and Pre eminant Mandarin Speaking Politician.
Frankly David Epstein wasn't there.

I'd been on the phone to George Bush, he put me hold for an hour, and Gordon Brown, he put me hold for 2 hours, telling them how to solve the Global Financial Crisis. It was about 3.45am when Gordon finally hung up, I tried to call Ban Ki Moon, not in his staff said - President Sarkozy, wrong number a lovely french woman said. It was too early for Helen Clark or one of the Pacific Island types and an appearance on Sunrise or Today was still 3 hours away, so I thought I'd like a coffee.

I rang InEpstein several times - his cell phone, his blackberry and his home phone. Who does he think he is not to take my call - a World leader?

I got Therese out of bed to drive me over to his home and banged on the door until he answered.
"You're fired...and you make lousy coffee anyway" I screamed in my very private "treat the staff badly" voice and the rest is history.

My UN speech a hit

2008-09-27T08:02:00.002+10:00

For months they'd heard I was coming, the next UN Secretary General. The only man who could fix the world......and didn't they turn up!

I think I may have solved the crisis

2008-09-25T20:20:00.001+10:00

I've spoken to all the key figures in New York and between us I think I've solved the Financial crisis.

I believe my plea for a quick resolution to the stand off over the bailout package at my press conference after meeting the Naked Cowboy has convinced Congress to sort this out.

UN Secretary General Rudd, has a nice ring to it!

I'm off to NY to save the World's financial markets

2008-09-21T09:20:00.005+10:00

I love NY, most of all the United Nations Building and my old stomping ground Scores strip Club.

I've been criticised for leaving this bankrupt backwater and heading off to the US, but as I learned the hard way, if the world's in crisis then they need me there!

I still blame myself for the failure to get resolution at the recent Doha WTO talks, I wasn't there and it failed.

I personally believe I'm the only man on the plant who can solve this crisis, I'll be revealing details of "BANKWATCH" when I arrive in NY.

This is round 2 of my eventual move to become UN Secretary General and effectively run the world, solve the world's financial crisis, solve global warming and it's mine.

I grew up with picture of Kurt Waldhiem over my bed and won a Javier Pérez de Cuéllar look-a-like competition at the Beijing Embassy Christmas Party in 1985. As a boy I dreamed of running the world - looks like nothing's going to stop me now!

I take full responsibility .....but it is their fault

2008-09-03T21:13:00.002+10:00

I’ve repeatedly said to Australian Working Families I take full responsibility for the economy, the good news and the bad news. That is what my Leadership is all about.

But until some good news finally arrives I am just going to have to keep blaming the Liberals. That’s also what my Leadership is all about.

It’s been difficult for me rebuilding the poverty stricken country I inherited. I feel for Morgan Tsvangirai.

I’ve had to deal with the Inflation Genie, Savage Budget Cuts, Decisive Schemes like Fuel Watch and Grocery Watch, my Mille Vanilli Education Revolution, my tax led fix of binge drinking and my carbon reduction, but not drought breaking, scheme. Boy have I been talking a good talk!

As my dear old mum said, “Kevin, words speak louder than actions when you’re incapable of action”. You know, she was right.

Viva the Education Revolution

2008-08-31T21:41:00.001+10:00

This week I announced the cornerstone of my election policy "The Education Revolution", previously known as Liberal Policy!

I have to confess my love of the works of the great Education Revolutionary John Winston Howard.

Viva the Revolution!

I like Chinese

2008-08-11T21:25:00.006+10:00

My trip to Beijing was critical. I got some excellent photo ops with my Aussie athletes, trotted out my command of Mandarin, met my old friend George W, but most of all cemented my position as the World's pre eminent Mandarin Speaking Politician with my beloved Chinese constituency.

My old mate Hu did the honours in opening the games, I nodded away as he let fly in Mandarin, surrounded by various dignitaries. I provided real time translation - built an instant bridge between the world and China.

I sense my star is rising in China. The Chinese President now answers my phone calls with Hu not Who and I was given the rock star treatment in Beijing being mobbed by the crowds. They all wanted to sell me watches, but I know they recognise me.

By the time I'm finished with Australia I'll be torn , the first democratic leader of China or UN Secretary General? Either way the world will be a better place.

Watch Grocery Prices tumble

2008-08-05T22:19:00.003+10:00

Hang on Australia, your Red Spot specials start now!

My Grocery inquiry has shown what I suspected all along. I did deceive Australian Working Families into voting for me on the false assumption I could reduce Grocery prices.

After the success of Fuel Watch and the Petrol Cop, here comes Grocery Watch. If you don't think that won't reduce Grocery prices then try Unit Pricing!

Unit pricing will be compulsory even though everyone has already said they'll do it. You'll now know all the hidden secrets of those tricky retailers.

A Variety Pack of Chips is more expensive per gram than a 2 kg bag of chips. Thank you Unit pricing. Thank you Kevin Rudd!

So buy the kids 2kgs for their lunchboxes, add to the obesity crisis....but do it with the knowledge you've saved money. (per gram anyway!)

Don't thank me now - wait until the next election!

If only they'd invited me to the Doha talks

2008-08-03T20:22:00.001+10:00

"I last night was ... until about 2am this morning on the phone to various people in Geneva, on the phone to Prime Minister Gordon Brown and others about how this could be rescued. It didn't work. I am deeply disappointed."

The DOHA round of the WTO talks failed and I blame myself. I feel the pain Superman felt when he wasn't there for Lois Lane.

I've instructed the WTO to never have another meeting without me, I think they got the message

Patrick Walker - A Great Australian

2008-07-31T22:27:00.001+10:00

I'll miss Patrick Walker - not only did he look like my dorky older brother, but I now have no one to sack when Petrol prices hit $2 per litre and Fuel Watch becomes a farce.

I think Patrick did an excellent job in watching the unprecedented increase in fuel prices, he was part of history. I knew I could ring him any time of day and he'd direct my Prius to where the cheapest fuel could be found - without fail.

Patrick's day was unprecedented in government - a 24 hour on the job role. He'd sit up all night monitoring the UK, then US oil price. In daylight he'd watch the Singapore price fluctuations. Then Patrick would watch the price of fuel by suburb, by site, by fuel type. Then he'd do it all over again.

That boy knew his Premium unleaded from his Diesel like no other.

You know, it's my dream job. All that watching and so little action, an occasional tough statement not supported by any action.

I'm gonna miss you Pat.

I'm Trading Carbon no matter what

2008-07-27T19:12:00.006+10:00

I don't care what everyone else is doing. I don't even care if Global Warming is real. I'm trading carbon not matter what, because it's my one chance of getting re-elected.

Given I've not managed to save the whales, reduce petrol and grocery prices, decrease Interest Rates or kickstart an Education Skirmish, let alone a Revolution I guess soundbites, t-shirts and a slogan can only get you so far.

All I've got for the next election is Global Warming....and I'm praying it doesn't rain until the day after Election Day.

The Pope told me.....he was honoured to meet me

2008-07-22T20:50:00.008+10:00

My new mate Ben. I've got the pictures of me "showing him the way" right next to me saluting George W and the G8 group shot.

He even pinched my apology.

If anyone ever doubted my status, they can doubt no longer. I know everyone who's anyone - but most of all they can say they know me!

I thought my World Youth Day performance played brilliantly to the Religous vote. Therese said I had a Holy presence - outshone the Pope and his bad Sigfried impersonation.

He may be able to speak 5 languages but he can't speak Mandarin!

Anyway I asked the big guy to pray that Australian's forget all that talk of lower grocery and oil prices and the one computer per child stuff.

My 360 seconds of fame!

2008-07-09T18:44:00.004+10:00

6 minutes, or 360 seconds in front of 8 of the World's most powerful people at the G8! Weren't they lucky.

Ironic isn't it, I jump on an old airforce jet spewing carbon over the Pacific as I head to Japan to speak for 360 seconds on the urgency of Climate Change?

Anyway, as the World's self proclaimed pre-eminent Mandarin Speaking Politician I had the stage I wanted and I lectured to those 8 leaders as if they were backbenchers from the Central Coast.

Why not have a Global Petrol Commissioner? Why not make Fuel Watch global? These hard decisions cost me the Gippsland by-election but I firmly believe the world will be better for them.

Ban Ki-moon rang the bell as I got started on Grocery prices, my friend George missed it all as he'd raced to the men's room. I had no idea Japanese PM Fukuda spoke English as he took his earpiece out.

I think it went well, my proposal for a RUDD9 economic group got a great reaction.

Another problem solved thanks to K-RUDD, surely a Nobel prize is on the radar.

Now Garnaut needs to decide how to Trade Belinda Neal

2008-07-04T11:54:00.001+10:00

It's got me concerned but now I'll get Ross Garnaut to work out how we trade Belinda Neal.

Iraq needs new governors, we need a new High Commissioner to Iran, Afghanistan needs female politicians and the London Zoo needs more iguanas!

We'll take any offer, maybe the Democrats won't be lost to Federal Parliament after all.

The Murray Darling - I'm looking in to it!

2008-07-04T08:47:00.005+10:00

Our historic intention to have an agreement on the Murray Darling, following our historic agreement to think about having an agreement at the previous COAG and is truly ground breaking, signaling an end to the blame game.

I personally believe Politicians and Public Servants make our world go around, so my solution to every problem is to appoint someone to look at it.

I really grappled with which way to go on this one. A Murray Darling Commissioner, my Petrol Commissioner has been such a success maybe I could have popped someone on the banks of the Murray to ponder its flows.

Maybe a Murray Darling Parliament, in the image of my Asian Union, it could govern the river bringing together a group of third world hack politicians John Brumby, Morris Iemma and co. No!
What about a Ministry for the Murray, Belinda Neal as the new minister?
No!
She’d demand unlimited access for her houseboat, use all the water on her garden and with Della not let anyone else use the river.

An Authority – why not!

Let’s get a group of Public Servants together to run the Murray, the Murray Darling Basin Authority. We’ll take our time getting hold of the right crew as they’ve got so many jobs offers at present.

Another critical issue solved.

Mr Tough Guy upsets Gippsland - bad luck

2008-06-30T19:55:00.000+10:00

It was simple, the people of Gippsland were reacting to my tough decisions since being elected and they voted for the Nationals.

Well I've got news for the people of Gippsland - there'll be more!

My tough stance with Japan on whaling resulting in me forgiving them and throwing millions of taxpayer dollars at their car Industry, my tough Greenhouse stance in getting rid of the Government Statesman for an Imported Prius, my tough stance on big Oil by appointing a Petrol Commissioner who's squeezed them to record bowser prices and now my Grocery Inquiry which has shocked Supermarkets into selling at ever increasing prices - well call me brutal, but I ain't stopping.

Japan I'm finally here to help you!

2008-06-08T09:21:00.001+10:00

Well I’m off again. This time its Japan and Indonesia receiving a dose of Rudd. I honestly believe that my mandate is to help civilise the world as well as to rebuild Australia.

What’s my answer to soaring petrol prices and angst over carbon emissions and trading? Jump on a fuel guzzling, carbon emitting jet and sweep across the region. The hypocrisy has become part of me, I think it’s defined my reign to date.

If I can help my Asian mates fix their countries prior to them joining me in the AU in 2020 then all the better for us as citizens of Austasia and for me as its 2020 President. I’ll only take the role if I’m not UN Secretary General. I expect it will be a difficult choice but I may even do both.

You know I recently described myself as the World’s Pre-eminent Mandarin Speaking Politician. ‘What about President HU?’ they said. Frankly I rate myself higher than HU. Hu would never have defeated John Howard in the last election and I honestly doubt he’d have even assumed the Leadership of the ALP.

I must also express my disappointment at Australia’s best and brightest. The 2020 Summit failed to come up with the AU concept and missed FuelWatch.

I’m already questioning the Summit’s recommendations apart from their endorsement of my Super Child Care centres. I said to Therese I may have to lock away a weekend soon and have my own 2020 Summit. I’m sure the world will be the better for it.

How fickle you all are

2008-06-03T07:14:00.003+10:00

What have I done to deserve this? You’d think I’d misled Australia, took populist positions to win favour with everyone, been gushy and insincere and said anything to win favour with the cool crowd.

How quickly you all turn, you’re the shallow insincere ones not me. People get over it.
Therese tucked a very upset PM into bed with a hot Milo last night. I listened to a bit of John Denver on my Sony Walkman and drifted off for my three hours of sleep.

First the Public Service turn on me for making them work 18 hour days – what else is there to do in Canberra? Cate writes me a note having a crack at me over the teen porn pics. I personally think the dogs playing pool is my favourite piece of modern art and believe this is the sort of art we as a nation should be producing more of. I told Cate so.

Then my beloved Australian Working Families turn on me in the latest opinion poll. What’s their problem? I couldn’t have said more about them in the past 6 months. 15,385 mentions at last count!

Finally, and the one that really hurts, the U.S. government of my best friend George W has a go about my Iraq war comments. Why can’t they move on and rewrite history like I did on this.

It’s the world’s fault, at least Julia, Peter and Swanny still love me. I'll keep an eye on Julia just in case though!

What a weak ........

2008-05-30T20:32:00.002+10:00

All I can say is, "You got me!" But it took you 18 months.

That talk about Grocery & Petrol prices and Australian Working Families, all those photo opportunities at kitchen tables, all those concerned grimaces – I had my fingers crossed all along.

As I said today on ABC Radio, I actually conceded once during the election when finally nailed in an interview that I was full of hot air, so did Swanny. That didn't of course stop me going to another kitchen table, having another press conference and berating John Howard about Petrol and Grocery prices again. I even continued rabbiting on about my Petrol Commissioner.

It's all your fault if you thought I was going to reduce prices – you should been listening to the ABC in August last year.

I even contradicted myself on radio this morning admitting that after all my hype about a Petrol Cop on the beat I couldn't actually reduce Fuel prices, yet I've constantly said the my petrol Cop will reduce prices.

Call me flexible rather than hypocritical, cynical and disingenuous. Read the fine print people.

My Scores lesson, 'Look but don't touch' is now policy

2008-05-24T09:29:00.000+10:00

“Look but don’t touch four eyes” the bouncer yelled pointing at the sign.

I first learned about the ‘LOOK but don't touch’ philosophy when I was in New York. Scores had the sign hanging above the lap dancer as I lapsed into a coma after an alcopop induced binge
session. For the record I can’t remember anything else.

I’ve taken the learning of Scores into Government.

Look but don’t touch – Petrol prices, Grocery prices, Housing affordability and anything else. Inquiries, Commissioners you name it. I’ll look at everything but do nothing.

The other learning about convenient memory loss and blaming everyone else of course were well established in Opposition.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

2008-05-23T19:12:00.004+10:00

Well, I admit some of you may have voted for me thinking I was going to reduce Oil, Grocery and House prices but you should have read the fine print. You can’t hold me accountable!

What more can I do, honestly? I’ve appointed a Commissioner to look at petrol prices and an Inquiry to look at Food prices. I’m hoping my encouragement of interest rate increases and our policy of driving up unemployment will stitch up housing prices, if it doesn’t I’ll look into it.

My actual promise buried in the bravado and rhetoric was to LOOK at prices.

I’ve looked and there’s nothing I can do.

It was clearly John Howard’s fault that the global economy drove up petrol and food prices. Now of course it’s become a global issue, not mine.

I said the blame game was over, another promise you needed to read the fine print on. I’ll continue to blame John Howard and the Global Economy, not my mates in the states!

Anyway I’ve only been in charge for 6 months and despite saying on March 4th I’ll take full responsibility for the economy, read the fine print, I was only joking. It’s my wacky sense of humour surfacing again!

Don’t touch my Alcopops

2008-05-16T07:19:00.000+10:00

Dr. Nelson’s decision to oppose my brave initiative to reduce binge drinking has me flabbergasted.

He’s a Doctor, surely he knows that increasing tax on Alcopops will immediately stop kids getting horribly drunk and solve the binge drinking problem in Australia. In a sea of tokenism it’s been my greatest policy announcement.

Didn’t Doctor Nelson see the impact tax hikes had on reducing smoking and lung cancer when they were first introduced!
I’m planning to prevent childhood obesity next week by taxing Wonka Bars and Adult Obesity the week after by taxing Krispy Kream donuts.

C’mon Doctor, get your head around the health benefits of my tax policies.

ALP announces 'Tree of Knowledge' and 'Know all' cloned

2008-05-12T19:57:00.002+10:00

The ALP has announced today that following the successful cloning of the Tree of Knowledge, its self proclaimed replacement Kevin Rudd, has also been successfully cloned.

"A great day for Australia, we now have generations of ALP Rudds to continue my legacy in due season" said a proud Mr Rudd.

"Ringbark the tree, the people love me" he announced holding the 5 Rudd embryos being implanted at the Queensland DPI.

What’s an Australian Working Family look like?

2008-05-11T09:09:00.006+10:00

I’ve spun myself into a lather with all my talk of Australian Working Families (AWF’s). But bugger me I have no idea who they are?

The Lemmings are all following Rudd’s Law and keep referring to AWF’s to justify everything we do.
But I think it’s time I finally defined who AWF’s are?

Here’s my current definition of Australian Working Families.

They aren’t gay

They aren’t families who work, if they make more money than others

They aren't Carers or Pensioners and may not even be a family

They don’t drive expensive European cars

They could be a family with kids, but they may not be

They may speak Mandarin - hopefully

They can afford big mortgages, but not groceries or petrol

They may be hurt by petrol prices because they’re driving a big luxury car

They’re hopefully Union Members

They don't drink alco pops

They can be pregnant and work, but not be pregnant and work and be wealthy

Sometimes they may not even work

They don't use Solar panels on their homes

There it’s clear, and I have a mandate to protect these people come hell or high water and in due season.

To be like me

2008-05-10T14:29:00.004+10:00

My Transformation of Australia into the World according to Rudd takes another stride at this year’s Budget.

As I keep telling my colleagues, Australia elected Kevin07, not the ALP. Australia fell in love with her future image when she voted for me and I intend transforming her into that very image. The USA has had John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, Australia will have Kevin.

I’m the aspirational beacon for Australia’s youth and I’m groovy and on the web.

My policies reflect my moulding of Australia into a country that will reflect my personal values, experiences and inadequacies.

I have been disappointed in the Australia I've seen so far. If the Summit had our best and brightest then I think I'll have the next Summit in my office. Now it looks like I’m going to have to micro-manage the daily lives of Australian’s – dictating their alcohol intake and choices, how they spend their money – even withholding their pensions if they’re naughty and dictating all their choices in education.

Stay tuned to Swanny doing his best Kevin07 impersonation – see if you can spot my hand up his back!

As I’ve always said the World will be a better place when everyone’s finally like me.

What the World needs now is Rudd, Sweet Rudd!

2008-05-05T20:59:00.005+10:00

I often wonder if I’m really a Labor man. I can’t stand Trade Unionists, smelly, grubby and uneducated. You know I’ve never met one of them who can speak Mandarin or has ever heard of Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

I only ever entered politics for the power trip and an audience. With my superior intellect I figured I’d have more chance of leading the Labor Party than any other.

What’s happened in NSW only confirms my view of the Labor Party. It’s full of morons, too primitive to engage in the reality of today. Hanging on to their outdated Socialist ideals, using bullying and intimidation as their tools of trade and trying to run the policies of the Party they control financially.

Wake up boys, the Tree of Knowledge has been replaced by KEVIN07.

I’m way too smart for these Working Family types! Unfortunately they also vote. You tell them what they want to hear, give them a sympathetic ear. I feel your pain - but not your hand. Paint a false dawn for them, take their money and their brightest Union Leaders (an oxymoron, I know) and then do what you want.

Who really believes that rubbish they trumpet?

The Labor Party would be a much better place if it didn’t have Labor members.

Anyway it’s all about me now. The punters voted for a visionary, a man who walks both sides of every issue, a man not frighten to say he wasn’t briefed on that tough issue or to rationalise a backflip. In fact, one of the most flexible Politicians in the free World. A Leader already hailed in Times Top 100 Most Influential. KEVIN07! And all I had to do was say Sorry! I think that will be my Mantra – Sorry.

Sorry I don’t know about that! Sorry I can’t comment! Sorry, my staff got it wrong! Sorry, I feel your pain! Sorry, I’ll personally fix that! Sorry, it was the previous governments fault!

Elmer Rudd Global Warrior - Now for my prosecution of Ahmadinejad

2008-05-03T16:04:00.005+10:00

I'm generally hoping most Australian's will forget my Election promises and spin. You'll say anything when you're courting someone - I actually recall telling Therese her clothes were understated in our early days.

As I've now transformed into Elmer Rudd, global Warrior - it's time I hunted down Iranian Bad boy President Ahmadinejad as per my ill considered pre election bravado.

With my new best friend George W by my side it's time we dragged the bad boy of the Middle East in to do hard time at Long Bay.

Oh Goody, another long distance flight.

My War on Alcopops

2008-05-03T15:35:00.006+10:00

Shhhhhhhh, be vewwwy, vewwwy quiet; I'm hunting bwinge dwinkers, heheheheheheh

I know Australia was unsure if I had it in me. Mr. Popularity, they said, couldn’t make a hard decision they said – well I showed them again.

I acted swiftly and decisively and have again rescued Australia from the brink.
My tax increase on Alcopops came from the same place as a Barry Hall haymaker. No one saw it coming.

Poor Therese had to race the Prius down to Dan Murphy’s in her bright red, satin dressing gown and clear out all their remaining Pineapple Breezers late on Saturday night.

My personal experience of binge drinking is hazy, I didn’t touch the girls, but surely this swift move has brought an unsavoury chapter of Australian teen life to an end.

I’ve transformed from Kevin 07 -shallow populist to Elmer Rudd – hunter and man of steel.

I’m hunting Alco pops.

My next apology......to the Tasmanian Tiger

2008-04-26T17:50:00.003+10:00

Based on the overwhelming success of my apology to the Stolen Generation my PR Team have another major event planned.

I'm using the first day of sitting in the new parliamentary session to apologise to the Tasmanian Tiger, 75 years after the last Thylacine was captured.

Research says this will broaden my appeal across animal lovers, a key demographic for my new Labor. It will be a heartfelt apology on behalf of all Australians and Tasmanians and should be a real tear jerker.

To commemorate the apology I'm painting stripes over my dog Abigail's rear end and expect all school students to follow suit with their pets.

Brendan Nelson will be invited to respond as I personally hold John Howard responsible for the extinction of the Thylacine it should be another tough one for the Liberals.

It's Year Zero and Kevin is saving the World

2008-04-24T19:06:00.002+10:00

I am officially naming this year, Zero, the first year of the reign of Rudd.

My 2020 confirmation Summit highlighted that Australia didn't exist prior to the Summit.

We have had a brutal totalitarian regime in place, our economy did not exist, our form of government was primitive, our taxation system archaic, our leadership non existent, our education system destroyed Australia's young, didn't provide apples and did not recognise our Asian roots.

I have changed all this, just read my press releases.

I now officially declare the New Australia under Rudd...welcome to Year Zero.

Summit confirms my brilliance

2008-04-20T20:22:00.001+10:00

I threw open the windows to let in a bit of fresh air, urged everyone to take hold of the future, to seize the day with our fundamental value of an irreducible human dignity.

As usual I undersold the Summit, didn't want to raise expectations.

So what did I get from my handpicked group of left leaning superior beings?

They overwhelmingly voted to support ALP policy and get us a Republic! In fact the 100 people in the Governance group voted 98-2 in favour of a republic. What an endorsement.
98% of less than 0.0005% of the population has officially endorsed ALP policy. Now that's the sort of break through idea I wanted.

I also got my childcare super centre endorsed, it's my new idea but I'm happy the UK and Victoria have already implemented it. It was part of another brilliant revelation reinforced by my echo Julia. Kids need education to develop their brains.....Unbelievable, if it wasn't for the Summit that would never have come out!

Other significant ideas were that everyone should be like Kevin and speak Mandarin.

It delivered more than I could have hoped for and reinforced that I am in fact the man most suited to be leading the Republic of Australia in 2020 as its President and Supreme Commander.

That got 100% endorsement from my Summiteers.

2020 Summit a Celebration of Rudd

2008-04-12T20:47:00.005+10:00

The 2020 Summit will be Australia's official celebration of our great Leader Kevin.

Official ceremonies giving thanks to Kevin and the Summit's ratification of his ideas as being the greatest ideas ever, will be held through out the weekend.

Kevin the great leader has themed the Summit "When we want a great idea - I'll give you one" and has personally selected every delegate and planted every topic.

"It's modelled on the National People's Congress in my beloved China" Kevin told his followers.

George W....there’s something in the way he moves

2008-04-05T08:32:00.002+10:00

Apologies to George Harrison

Something in the way he moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way he woos me
I don't want to leave him now
You know I believe and how

The words of George Harrison rang in my ears as I stood on the floor of the NATO meeting.

I was new, no one knew me. I was lost and confused. No microphone in my face, no audience wanting me, none of my close friends at hand.
And then I spotted him. Initially out of the corner of my eye. It was his aura that first caught my eye. I knew that aura. It was recently familiar. My heart started pounding, my underpants tightened, my hands began to sweat, my eyes glazed over. It was him!

I intuitively saluted, he was my master, my superior. I had to show him respect. He smiled at my subordinance, I was like a submissive dog ready to roll onto my back for him.
I danced across the floor to be with him again.

God I love George W Bush and I don't care who knows!.

I met my friend Hillary today

2008-04-01T19:55:00.001+10:00

I met Hillary today. Aren’t I clever!

I gave Hillary advice on how she could become President of the USA, Leader of the Free World and manage China, because my other new best friend, George (Bush) said I’m a China expert.

I talked for 40 minutes, Hillary said hello and goodbye.

We got on like a house on fire, Hillary is offically one my new best friends, just like Russell (Crowe), Cate (Blanchette), Kirk (Douglas) George (Bush) and Nicole (Kidman).

I think I’ll invite her to my 2020 Summit.

I've ended the blame game...we all agreed to blame Howard

2008-03-26T18:48:00.002+10:00

I chaired the ALP National Conference, now renamed COAG, today and did what Labor does best - flush billions of Tax Paying Australian Working Family’s hard earned dollars down the river.

Nothing like a few billion dollars of tax payers money handed over to my Labor buddies who are running their states brilliantly, a great photo opp and everyone singing my praises, including me!

As promised I’ve ended the blame game! We all agreed to blame Howard.

Does anyone want some Duty Free?

2008-03-19T20:30:00.002+10:00

I’m off again, this time Europe and Asia will get the benefit of my experience as a World Leader.

I’ll show them how my Education Revolution has transformed Australia. Share with these people how my Petrol Commissioner has overseen record low Fuel prices. Entice them with my War on Inflation that has seen Interest rates tumble and housing affordability open up to the masses.
Most of all I want to show my Environmental credentials with my war on plastic shopping bags.

The trip should make for some great photo opps, I’ll trot out the Mandarin again, I’ll position myself as the next UN Secretary General and I’ll add tonnes of carbon to the Environment.

Sure I’m a bare faced hypocrite, just like my old mate Peter Beattie, but you know I’m more popular than childhood obesity!

I think I handled the Carers well?

2008-03-12T18:58:00.000+10:00

We need a tough budget - I'm even bringing our troops out of Iraq to help fight my 'War on Inflation".

I'm going to rip $10 billion out of this economy with the most viscious cuts you've ever seen.
BUT......I've never been popular. At school Wayne Swan bullied me. Girls laughed at me, hey I even consider myself lucky to have snagged Therese. I went with Elton John glasses after he launched 'Sleeping with the Past'.

I can't believe how much I'm loved. I haven't been this popular since mum covered me in gravy and wrapped me in the lamb's wool seat covers when the Dog was on heat.
I want to be tough but I want to stay loved. My new best friends are Jackie Chan, Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and Cate Blanchett. Last year I was lucky to hang out with Sharan Burrow, Julia Gillard and Robert Ray.

I guess no one will notice if I talk tough and do nothing. Afterall that was my electoral platform.

My 2008 Smartarse Summit

2008-03-02T18:21:00.002+10:00

I am assembling Australia’s best and brightest men, Cate Blanchett and other “women” from my Androgynous front bench to run a summit on what sort of Australia I want in 2020.

Despite being elected on the platform of Fresh Ideas I must admit, like my most of my promises, I have no real idea.

Any way I’m getting 1000 people you wouldn’t want within 100 kilometres of your dinner party to come to Canberra and worship me. The 1000 will be Australia’s biggest loud mouths and smartarses, my kind of people.

They don’t have to have achieved anything as long as they can talk things up.

My front bench will run everything under clear direction from me. We need lots of talk, lots of talk about Australian Working Families, talk about how bad Workchoices is, talk about the Education Revolution currently sweeping Australia and lots of talk about how broadband will save Australia.

I need the 1000 smartarses basically to tell me my simplistic sound-bites are visionary.
At the end I can stand in front of my peers, 1000 of Australia’s most obnoxious know-alls and tell them what great Australian’s we are and how visionary we all are. I may even publish another book to celebrate the summit with my beaming smile on the front, after all, it’s all about the spin

If I don’t get Australian of the Year over this I’d be amazed.

My first 100 days...and ain't I wonderful

2008-03-01T08:39:00.001+10:00

To celebrate my first 100 days I've taken the liberty of pulping 10,000 of Tasmania's finest old growth trees and imported the world's finest inks to produce the most self-indulgent publication released since my last self-indulgent publication, the first "100 days" being Ruddrless.

What have I achieved, well where do I start?

I've travelled more air miles than every other previous Australian PM put together – adding more carbon to the environment than a Kim Beasley methane attack after a month on the Baked beans.

I've overseen the local Stock Markets crashing wiping a years value off the market and my old mate and fellow Queenslander Eddy Groves has just about lost his business along with Centro and Allco.

The Inflation genie is out of the bottle, parents are continuing to desert the State Labor school system and the long standing State Labor governments want billions to fix the very Hospital's they stuffed up and can't fix and not one kid has a laptop.

And what have I done – gone to Bali and achieved nothing, told Ross Garnaut he's got the wrong answer on climate change, said "Sorry" to the stolen generation - I'll cover the rest of you at the next Election, held a hundred press conferences and spun more lines than oversexed twenty year old in a nightclub.

......and I've only just begun, Australia you've got another 1000 days to go!

Jobs for the boys, my twin brother petrol Commissioner

2008-02-18T20:41:00.005+10:00

Patrick Walker aka Pat Rudd is our new Petrol Commissioner. Pat and I were reunited by our local church after Pat's family commented on his unfortunate resemblance to me during the election.

Pat was part of the Stolen Generation, Children of Eumundi taken away from nerdish families determined to give them balanced, fulfilling lives by the more well rounded citizen's of the Sunshine Coast.

It was great to see genetics took over and his love of Petrol prices meant Pat was my man. Look out Shell and BP, you've now got 2 Rudds to deal with.

Week 1 and I’ve almost saved the World

2008-02-15T14:20:00.001+10:00

Well my Sorry speech has finally put the Aboriginal problem to rest. I thought I was brilliant, had the crowd eating out of my palms - haven't had that much audience support since those screaming schoolgirls during the election. Aboriginal relations fixed!

I'm not one for tokenism but I think my wage freeze has put the Inflation genie back in her bottle! Millionaires like me aren't in it for the money, my investments make me all my money. That bunch I've got received an increase after moving from shadow to real portfolios anyway.

Showing Industry an example like that is sure to stop those money grabbing CEO's taking wage increases. Wage inflation fixed!

Finally, my 3 hour visit to Timor to sort out who tried to knock off my best best mate Jose (did I tell you I stayed at his house?) is carbon well spent I say!

I can't trust the word of my commanders and troops on the ground or the UN. No Kelvin's gotta go and fix it himself. I honestly have no idea how the world operated BD (Before Dudd). Timor fixed!

What a week

SORRY....about Julia's haircut

2008-02-13T19:45:00.001+10:00

Key ALP role - D'Ath to sit behind Rudd

2008-02-12T19:21:00.001+10:00

In keeping with getting a young attractive female to sit behind Kevin Rudd , Kate Ellis has been flicked to the Ministry and newcomer Yvette D'Ath has been given the key role.

"Yvette beat a top class field. Her nodding and smiling skills were outstanding..... but her performance in the swimsuit section really sealed victory" said proud Leader Kevin Rudd. "I'm expecting lots of emotion during the Sorry speech, Yvette has been working all week in the mirror."

Look out here comes half price Vegemite

2008-01-24T19:40:00.000+10:00

My Inquiry into Grocery prices should see the price of Vegemite cut in half so Australian Working Families can overdose on it!

It's all so simple - I announce an inquiry, the ACCC investigates and down come the prices, just like the Oil inquiry!

I'll have inflation under control in hours.

Screw the Whales - Save the Japanese

2008-01-04T18:59:00.000+10:00

We love our sushi Therese and I and we've found the best Sushi in Canberra already. The Japanese ambassador's wife makes the meanest Sushi this side of Yokahama.

I said I'd lay off the whales if she made me her special sushi. The Ambassador says they're catching the meat now, it comes in very cold and Mrs. Ambassador cooks it just right.

Should be here in a month.Can't for the life of me think what it could be....buffalo maybe!

I only the visit the needy with Camera crews and a media manager

2007-12-27T10:54:00.000+10:00

My impromtu visits to Homeless shelters with camera crews from every major network and bus loads of journalists aren't about political exploitation of the needy.

I want to publicise the needy and hopefully their now regular appearances on all major media outlets, will see them secure jobs.

I figure if I keep visiting places like Bali, Afghanistan, Iraq, Churches and these shelters it looks like I'm actually doing something and deflects from the fact I'll never make a major decision.

My first big test and boy am I talking the talk!

2007-12-10T20:02:00.000+10:00

Unware that I'm now actually running the country and have to act rather than talk, I've decided my "KEVIN07" cliche politics is probably best continued.

Hey, it got me elected - people didn't want action, they wanted soundbites.

Sure grocery prices are high - I'll appoint a commissioner (won't fix them) and Oil prices are high, another commissioner (no fix). But my much exploited "Australian Working Families" (AWF's) don't see the distinction - if I talk they assume it's fixed.

My PR and Spin team are working on a series of new slogans and soundbites as we speak, they're in focus groups full of AWF's to get the message just right - My favourite's "Carbon Kevin - bringing clean air from Heaven", "Yes I want clean air - I'm eating carbon reduced baked beans" "Kevin the World's First Carbon Crusader"

Living with a 2050 target is about as committed as my government will get over the next 3 years - so who gives a stuff what we commit to for then, I'll only get kicked out over any commitments I make for the next decade - and there's no chance of that - maybe I'll commission a report, then a conference and then a summit!

My Climate Change policy is more HOT air

2007-12-07T20:15:00.000+10:00

In Opposition I rightly accused Prime Minister Howard of being asleep on climate change. Global warming was clearly his fault and Australia's position in not ratifying Kyoto was the deal breaker in not getting the major polluters to the negotiating table.

In my "race to ratify" I had finally broken the global deadlock. Standing ovations in Bali, I am truly a global hero of Al Gore proportions.

The Inconvenient Truth is no one told me it would cost jobs, devastate my beloved Australian Working Families (apart from John Howard). Even my command of Mandarin wouldn't be enough to get China, India and the USA to sign up to binding targets. Come to think of it, it probably won't get me to commit.

Oh well it's Garrett's fault! Can't be all bad...it got me elected and Canberra's climate's become more like home every day.

I'm sure I told Australian Working Families about the cost of Kyoto?

2007-12-03T18:17:00.000+10:00

I'm sure I mentioned that ratifying Kyoto would increase the burden on Australian Working Families via higher energy costs, didn't I?
At least I didn't say I'd have interest rates at record lows, (Record highs Julia says!)

Of course my Ombudsman will decrease grocery prices, because increased energy prices from Kyoto will reduce Grocery Manufacturers and Retailers costs so they can reduce prices, won't it?

Oh well, I'm an economic conservative, surrounded by fellow Economic conservatives, so everything will be OK! If only we were Economic literates.

It's my Party

2007-11-28T19:28:00.000+10:00

Given my adoring public elected Kevin 07, not the Labor Party, I feel it my duty to give them nothing more than what they voted for.

I've already ordered my underlings to visit Schools and the Homeless before they come to Moi! They will then be asked to get me tea and an earwax sandwich for lunch.

I don't intend to appoint Minister's just assistants. Julia is the Assistant to Kevin for Industrial Relations, Swanny Assistant to Kevin for Treasury and so on.
I intend to run Australia as my little project, given I have intellectual capacity unheard of in the Labor Party, an education!

Strap yourselves in Australia, the Education Revolution is underway, shortly followed by the Industrial Relations and Climate change Revolutions. Compliments of Kevin Ruddrless PM.

If only 15 year old schoolgirls could vote?

2007-11-19T16:12:00.001+10:00

I'm not letting it get to my head, BUT, another day of screaming schoolgirls in the outer suburbs of somewhere.

They can't get enough of the Ruddster, one even fainted this time! I have to look in the mirror - I know I'm a run away winner in the "I'm too sexy for PM" stakes. Then again it's like comparing Kim Beasley to Ben Cousins.

I haven't been this popular with schoolgirls since Miss Spencer at Eumundi Primary made me waterboy for the girls netball team on a 40 degree day. Unfortunately I wasn't good enough to get a game.

Who would have thought, Kevin 07 popular with the ladies?

Has anyone seen my Education Revolution?

2007-11-10T08:53:00.000+10:00

Fair dinkum Australia, I've been prattling on about this Education Revolution for so long I've actually forgotten what it is.

I think we announced a 0.02% increase in Education funding a month ago, but bugger me if I can remember anything else.

As the polls overwhelmingly demonstrate Australian's couldn't care what I say, all I've got to do is turn up to get their collective worms wobbling.

Anyway, The Education Revolution is an unstoppable force now, if only I knew what it was?

See you in the lodge KEVIN07

Rainfall will always be higher under Labor

2007-11-04T18:08:00.000+10:00

Today I announce that Labor, via its new Minister for Rain, former ABC weatherman Mike Bailey, will commit to greater rainfall under a Kevin07 Labor government, should we climb Mount Everest and win the Election.

On Friday Mr Bailey rang the Kevin 07 hotline and told me he would get rain for Southern Australia this weekend to help launch our policy.

In one of our more credible policy announcements, Labor will guarantee higher rainfall than under the Coalition during the next term of Parliament.

Me Too that Mr. Howard.

So I'm a fraud, The Australian people still love me

2007-11-04T09:02:00.000+10:00

We may not be original but who cares as long as we win the prize....then we'll release our own tunes and no one will buy that!

I'm unbackable

2007-10-28T17:12:00.000+10:00

Friends, we are stampeding towards our first Ruddrless government and new leadership from Kevin 07 himself.

The campaign has gone brilliantly with anything I say getting Australia’s collective worms erect!

As I preach my economic conservatism whilst throwing a billion for this and a billion for that, my rating with Australian working families grows exponentially with my ego.

I have briefly outlined my first 10 days agenda.
· Rename Canberra KEVIN
· Rename the ALP “The Kevin Experience”
· Print a new Kevin $070,000 note – it will be the new $50 in weeks
· Have the “I was only joking ads” queued to run after we’re in power featuring my Union friends
· Introduce new unfair dismissal laws – it’s now unfair to dismiss any Union member.
· Fix those old farts in Tasmania – increase GST on Nanna nappies and close down the Devonport Nursing home

Friends, we’re heading back to the good old days of deficit's, unproductive wages increases and inflation and you voted for it.

See you in the Lodge!